Traffic - IdF
Ligue de Paris
R&A - Rules
Golf N Swing
From a huge slice...
Talk about fantastic golf teachers. He was the best and one day this woman came to him and said that she had developed a terrific slice. Day and night he worked with her for five months. Now she's the biggest hooker in town.
Playing with the pro
"You surely don't want me to hole that?" the pompous amateur blustered. His ball was about thirty centimetres from but his opponent, the club professional, answered quietly. "No".
The amateur picked up and walked on next tee. He was about to take honour when he was interrupted by his opponent.
"My honour, I think," said the professional. I won last hole, as you didn't putt out.
"But you said you didn't want me to hole out," spluttered the amateur.
"That's right. I didn't, and you didn't."
When can you let me have another session?" a golfer asked his professional
who was veteran of 75 years.
What can you do with this?
The tall highlander walked into the pro shop at Pitlochry Golf Club and stood
ramrod straight as he pulled a badly nicked ball from his sporran.
Lesson with the pro
Now," said the golf pro, "suppose you just go through the motions
without driving the ball."
You earn how much?
I gather you earn more than the Prime Minister the nosey member asked his club's
A golf professional, hired by a big department store to give golf lessons, was
approached by two women. "Do you wish to learn to play golf, madam?"
he asked one.
Fred and Harry emerged from the clubhouse to tee off at the first, but Roger
A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the
game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing
whatever of the game.
The gorilla's revenge
The pro at the country club was rude. When he beat you on the golf course he not only took your money he then told you everything you did wrong and suggested that you would never be able to hit the ball out of your own shadow. One of the members had enough, so he bought a gorilla and trained it to play golf. He then set up a game with the pro--$1000 a side with automatics.
The day of the match arrived and all parties were ready. The first hole was a par five of 575 yards. The pro teed off splitting the fairway some 270 yards out.
The gorilla lumbered up to the tee. Placed the ball on the ground and made a mighty swing. The ball rocketed off the clubface 100, 200, 300, 400, 500, 575 yards and stopped 5 inches from the cup.
The pro just about fell out of his pants. If this was an indication of the way things were going to go then he would never live it down. He immediately settled the bet, remembering that he had urgent business across town.
As they walked from the tee the pro asked, "How does he putt?"
"The same as he drives, 575 yards," was the answer.
An amateur was talking to his golf pro.
Amateur: "How do you get so much backspin?''
Pro: "Before I answer that, tell me, how far do you hit a 5 iron?''
Amateur: "About 130.''
Pro: "Then why in the world would you want the ball to spin back!?''
The pro and the JP
The Justice of the Peace in a small town was about to tee off with two other friends one day when the club pro volunteered to join them. It seemed like the perfect opportunity for a free lesson.
But instead of being helpful the pro was openly critical of the JP's game. At every bumbled shot, the pro made a joke about the justice.
But the criticism didn't even stop at the end of the round. The pro continued to embarrass the JP in the clubhouse among his friends. Finally the pro got up to leave and said, "Judge, let's do it again sometime. If you can't find anybody else to make a foursome, I'll be glad to play with you again."
"Well that would be fine," the justice of the peace said. "How about next Saturday? I don't think any of my friends can join us, so why don't you just have your parents join us, and after our round I can marry them."
The strange new pro
"I don't know about that new pro," said Peter. "He may be a little strange."
"Why do you think that?" asked Fred.
"He just tried to correct my stance again."
"So?" said Fred. "He's just trying to help your game."
"Yeah, I know," said Peter, "but I was standing at the urinal at the time"
The golf pro Prayer
The Pro is my Shepherd,
Golfing truths, sayings and cliches
Always concede the fourth putt.
Bunkers have the unnerving habit of rushing out to meet your ball.
Coincidentally the only remaining set of clubs in the professional's shop was made especially for you.
Curing the faults in your swing can never be affected in just one lesson from a professional.
Curly, downhill, left-to-right putts are usually followed by curly, uphill, right-to-left putts.
Delicate chip shots over bunkers always catch the top of the bank and fall back.
During the first round with a brand new set of clubs, the ball has to be played from a road.
Electric trolleys always break down at the furthest point from the clubhouse.
Finding the key to a better game means opening a lot of doors.
Foursomes golf means always having to say you're sorry.
Golf is like sex: afterwards you feel you should have scored at little better.
Golf is the only game in which you fail to win 99 per cent of the time.
Greens are hollow-tined and dressed the day before a competition.
Handicaps are designed to keep you in your place.
Hitting an iron off the tee for safety means same direction, less distance.
If a golfer wishes to give you a blow-by-blow account of his round, ask him to start with his final putt on the 18th green.
If a good course is one where you play to your handicap or better and a bad course is one where you struggle to break 100, why are there so many bad courses ?
If the club is burgled, your clubs are never stolen. And if they are, you are underinsured.
If there is one solitary tree located on a hole, your ball will find it with unerring accuracy.
If you are giving strokes in a match it's always too many: if you are receiving them it's never enough.
If you are playing well in a competition, your partner will tell you that if you keep it up you must win. This remark ensures that you finish with a string of double-bogeys.
If you find your ball in the woods, it is unplayable. If a professional finds his ball in woods, not only is it playable but he can hit it onto the green.
If you have a hole-in-one in a competition you are in the last group and the bar is packed when you come in.
If you have difficulty meeting new people, try picking up someone else's golf ball.
If you're out in 39 and home in 45 you're playing wartime golf.
Immediately you put on your waterproofs it stops raining.
In a four-ball game, your partner is right on his game while you aren't or vice versa.
In a match, younger golfers always have your measure.....so do older golfers for that matter.
In a pro-am, you are the last to drive off after your professional and partners have all hit screamers.
In most medal rounds, you start badly then fade away.
It's always the next round that will find you playing your normal game.
Keeping your head down means you'll be looking at a very large divot.
Lagging a putt from three feet means you've got the yips.
No successive swings are ever the same except when you hit consecutive shots out of bounds.
Nobody ever coughs on your follow through.
Out-of-bounds fences are located a foot the wrong side of your ball.
Passing lorry-drivers always shout 'Fore' at the top of your backswing.
People who say a shank is close to a perfect shot have never had four in a row.
Quote from Christy O'Connor: 'If it wasn't my living, I wouldn't play golf if you paid me.'
Shots that finish close to the pin are never as close when you get there.
Spike marks always deflect your ball away from the hole.
Teeing up on the side nearest the out-of-bounds means your ball will finish in the cabbage on the other side.
The captain of the Club you wish to join turns out to be someone you were at school with: and you never got on.
The Club secretary is always on the course when you want him, but is in the bar when you sub is overdue.
The distant puff of sand you see means that your ball has not carried the bunker and what's more, it is plugged under the lip.
The fact that trees are ninety per cent air does not mean your ball avoid the remaining ten per cent of timber.
The first tee shot following a lesson travels 20 yards along the ground.
The first time you enter the club's knockout competition you are drawn against the club champion in the first round.
The hickory-shafted driver that you found in your grandmother's attic turns out to be worth only $10.
The latest piece of written instruction never works on the course.
The love of your life either hates golf or is a better player than you.
The more you play a course the more obsessed you become with its dangers.
The most important inches in golf are not those between the ears: they are the ones between your ball and the hole on the fourth putt.
The number of practice balls recovered is always less than the number hit.
The only available space in the car park is always furthest from the locker-room.
The only downwind holes are par threes.
The people in front of you are playing too slowly, the people behind you are playing too quickly.
The reserve glove you have kept for wet weather has shrunk.
The sand in the bunkers is never the right texture for your particular technique.
The shorter the putt, the smaller the hole becomes.
The shortest distance between the ball and the target is never a straight line.
Waterproof trousers cannot be removed without falling over.
Whatever the rule for a particular situation, you've probably broken it.
When playing to a temporary green, your ball finishes stone dead to the hole cut in the proper green.
When there is one minute left to get to the first tee, a shoelace breaks.
When you are looking for your ball, it is found (a) when you have trudged back and put another ball in play, (b) when the five minutes search time has elapsed, (c) when you tread on it and incur a penalty.
When you can tear yourself away from the office for a rare midweek round you find yourself in the midst of a visiting society.
When you drive your car to a pro-am, you are caught in an impenetrable traffic jam.
When you play a shot from a bunker and the ball hits the bank, there is a split second when you have no idea as to the ball's whereabouts before it plummets down on your foot.
Whenever you take your clubs on holiday, you leave your game behind.
While unloading your golf bag from the car, the golf balls fall out all over the tarmac car park and roll under the other cars.
Your best drive of the day finishes in a divot hole.
Your best medal round of the year is one shot too many to win the competition.
Your controlled draw rapidly develops into a chronic hook: similarly, your controlled fade is, in reality, a vicious slice.
Your favourite golf sweater is the one that gets shrunk in the wash.
Your first hole-in-one is always achieved when playing alone.
Your greatest round takes place against an important business contact whom you can't afford to humiliate.
Your natural ability as a golfer is in inverse proportion to the amount of money you spend on new equipment.
Top 10 why golf is better than sex
10. Choice of public or private courses
9. Lessons are available
8. If you're good you can turn pro and do it full time
7. Can clean balls at every hole
6. Choice of wood, aluminium or graphite
5. The less strokes the better
4. If you lose a ball, you still have two left
3. Threesomes and foursomes happen all the time
2. Can pick the size of your shaft
1. Every hole is well groomed and manicured
Top 10 signs your partner is a murderer
10. You start out as a foursome and end up a duo
9. He celebrates his hole-in-one by strangling a squirrel
8. Claims his ball was planted in the sand trap by Mark Fuhrman
7. When he yells "Fore!" people really pay attention
6. Always wants to bet $8.5 million a hole
5. Gets really jumpy whenever anyone goes near his golf bag
4. When you drive into the rough, he says, "You play golf about as well as Marcia Clark prosecutes!"
3. His last partner was found hanging off the little windmill at the local putt-putt
2. When you ask, "What's your handicap?" he says, "Violent paranoid schizophrenia"
1. His caddie: A.C. Cowlings
What happened to important people of 1923
Do you know who in 1923 was:
1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?
These men should have been considered some of the world's most successful men. At least they found the secret of making money.
Now more than 55 years later, do you know what has become of these men?
1. The President of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a pauper.
2. The President of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, died insane.
3. The President of the N.Y.S.E., Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
5. The President of the Bank of International Settlement shot himself.
6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Rivermore, died of suicide.
The same year, 1923, the winner of the most important golf championship, Gene Sarazan, won the U.S. Open and PGA Tournaments. He was still playing golf at 90 and solvent.
Moral: Don't worry about business and concentrate on your golf!
20 Golfing Laws
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and a tax agent -- or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three)
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day
Random thoughts on golf
In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.
Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.
Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.
Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.
The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.
There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.
Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players.
An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging, and once again after swinging.
Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddie because the cart cannot count, criticize or laugh.
Golf in heaven
Bill and his wife Sally died and went to Heaven together. They were met at the gates by an angel who was to show them the place. Right over here, we have our very own golf course! "Wow! It's beautiful! Can we play it now?" they both asked. "Sure!" said the angel.
Therefore, the couple began playing. It was the most beautiful course they had ever seen. Everything was perfect... the fairways, the greens, even the roughs. The more they played the more the woman beamed with happiness, but she noticed her husband was becoming disheartened and angry.
Sally confronted her husband on what was wrong. She said, "I can't understand why you're not happy. We're in Heaven! We're together! We're playing on the most beautiful and perfect golf course ever! What's wrong with you?"
Bill replied, "If you hadn't fed us those DAMN bran muffins, we'd been here years ago!"
Bill came home from golfing well after dark. His wife, Sally, asked him where had he been for such a long time. He told her that after his 8:00 am round of golf, he stopped to help a gorgeous blond with a flat tire. He said that he went back to her place for a cool drink, and ended up in the bedroom with her all afternoon.
Sally replied, "You S.O.B.! You played 36 holes, didn't you?"
Bill, Ralph, and Fred gathered for a round of golf on Mother's Day. The men were quite surprised at being "let go" for the day, and each wanted to know how the other got away from their wife.
Fred said, "I purchased a dozen red roses for my wife, and she was so happy that she let me go."
Ralph said, "I purchased a diamond ring for my wife, and she was so thrilled with me that she let me go."
Bill said, "I woke up this morning, rolled over, looked at my wife, and said to her: `Golf course or inter-course,' and she said: 'I'll put your clubs in the car'."
A mockery of the game
Bill, the avid golfer got married; the marriage was getting into problems as he was playing golf five days a week. They finally talked about it and Sally asked Bill if he could teach her golf. That way they both could enjoy golf and improve their marriage. Bill argued that golf is a serious game and that she is just trying to destroy the one perfect thing in life. After some arguing, Bill agreed to have her go to the course with him.
They went to the course and Sally signed up to take some lessons with the local pro. The lessons kept going on everyday, and Bill was happy she didn't bother him. One day, Bill's buddy Ralph asked him how the marriage was going. Bill replied, "It is great; ever since she started taking golf lessons, she doesn't bother me and lets me play all the golf I want." Ralph replied with a sad shake of his head, "Really? Then I guess you don't know that she is screwing around with the golf pro!"
Bill's eyes turned red, smoke came out of his ears, and he became quite scary. He said, "I knew it couldn't last; I knew Sally would make a mockery of the game!
Bill and Ralph step up to the first tee box. Bill says, "Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!" Ralph replies enthusiastically, "What a great trade!"
It's a small world
Two golfers were being held up as the twosome of women in front of them whiffed shots, hunted for lost balls and stood over putts for what seemed like hours. "I'll ask if we can play through," Bill said as he strode toward the women. Twenty yards from the green, however, he turned on his heel and went back to where his companion was waiting.
Hitting my wife
Bill met Ralph one day after work at the local drinking establishment. "Did you hear that my exclusive golf club fined me £50 for hitting my wife Sally with a 9-iron?" moaned Bill. Ralph nodding his head sadly said, "Really? Was it for conduct unbecoming a gentleman?" Bill responded as expected, "No, it was for using the wrong club."
Why single men are thinner
I attended a golf convention in London over the winter and was somewhat interested in the result of one particular study performed on golfers; specifically I was interested in late afternoon league golfers. This study indicated that the single gentlemen who play in these leagues are "skinnier" than the married ones.
The reason for this phenomenon was quite simple when we finally found the answer. The single golfer goes out and plays his round of golf, has a "refreshment" at the 19th hole, goes home and goes to his refrigerator. He finds nothing decent there, so he goes to bed. The married golfer goes out and plays his round of golf, has a "refreshment" at the 19th hole, goes home and goes to bed, finds nothing decent there, so he goes to his refrigerator.
You nearly hit my wife
"You fool! You almost hit my wife with that shot!"
"Sorry old chap!. Here, take a shot at mine!"
My wife left me
Fred called his friend in tears.
"I can’t believe it," he sobbed. "My wife left me for my golfing partner."
"Get a hold of yourself, man," said his friend. "There are plenty of other women out there."
"Who's talking about her?" said Fred. "He was the only guy that I could ever beat!"
The golf widow
A "golf widow" concedes that if she is ever to see her husband she needs to learn the game. So she goes to the country club and signs up for lessons with the golf pro.
They get out to the course and the pro instructs her to hold the club as she would her husband's organ. She hits the ball and the pro exclaims, "Beautiful!! Great shot, right down the center of the fairway!
Now, take the club out of your mouth and we'll go for distance."
The missed 6" putt
An older couple are playing in the annual club championship. They are playing in a play-off hole, and it is down to a 6 inch putt that the wife has to make. She takes her stance and her husband can see her trembling.
She putts and misses, they lose the match. On the way home in the car her husband is fuming, " I can't believe you missed that putt!" "That putt was no longer than my dick."
The wife just looked over at her husband and smiled and said, "Yes dear, but it was much harder!"
A couple whose passion had waned saw a marriage counselor and went through appointments that brought little success. Suddenly at one session the counselor grabbed the wife and kissed her passionately.
"There" he said to John, the husband, "That's what she needs every Monday, Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday".
"Well," replied the husband, "I can bring her in on Mondays and Wednesdays but Saturdays and Sundays are my golf days."
What if I died ?
"Dear," asked the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," answered the husband. "Why do you ask such a horrid question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
"No, of course not, love," replied the husband.
"Do you like being married?" asked the wife.
"Of course I do, lamb." he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"All right," said the husband on taking a different tact trying to end the conversation, "I'd remarry, then."
"You would?" responded the wife, looking quite pained.
"Yes," replied the trapped husband.
"Would you sleep with her in OUR bed?" asked the wife after a very long pause.
"Well, yes, I suppose I would." replied her tiring mate.
"I see," said the wife quite sternly and indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to," stammered her mate, adding, "it would be a compliment to your exquisite taste."
"Really," replied the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"I don't know. But wouldn't that be the correct thing to do?," he replied.
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear. That would be impossible. She's left-handed."
The perfect tee shot
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. He was driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man. You don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"
She'll leave me
"My wife says she's leaving me if I don't give up golf."
"What are you going to do?"
"Miss her like hell."
Could I play through?
A fourball watches a lone player play up short of the green they are on.
As they tee off at the next hole they watch the lone player quickly chip on and putt out.
He almost runs to the tee where the four ball is.
He looks at the bewildered players and says "I say chaps could I play through, I've just heard the wife has had a terrible accident".
Neither would he
My wife asked me why I don't play golf with Patrick anymore.
"Mildred, shut up" cried the golfer at his nagging wife, "Shut up
or you'll drive me out of my mind."
I lost everything
One Sunday a usually happy weekend golfer came home from the game very late, and
much the worse for wear. 'Dear' wife greeted him at the door and demanded
"Where the hell have you been and what have you been doing?" The
husband wobbled around of slurred "Had a bad game, sort of lost
everything...you had better pack some bags, I even lost you".
Driven to murder
A police officer retired, and soon after spent every single day playing golf, which greatly irritated his wife, who was not a golfer. Every day he'd come home at 4 or 5 o'clock after playing a round at his club.
This went on for months. One day after his customary round, he came home at 8 o'clock, since he stayed to play poker at the club. His wife let him have it as soon as he came in the door, screaming at him, saying that retirement was for the both of them, and that she was not going to put up with it anymore.
Angered, he took out his 4 iron out of his bag, and hit her over the head with it. Rage set in and he kept hitting her, till she was dead.
Remorseful, he called his Detective colleague and tells him to come over as he killed his wife. The detective, who he used to play golf with when he was on the force, asked him what happened. The detective very carefully wrote in his detective notebook everything that was said. The suspect told him of his wife's complaining, and how he finally snapped. The detective very carefully wrote in his detective notebook. He told the detective how he finally went over the edge and killed her, as he couldn't take it anymore.
"What club did you use?" the Detective asked. "A 4-iron", The detective very carefully wrote in his detective's notebook.. "and how many times did you hit her?" asked the Detective. "Oh, I dunno, lets see, (counting to himself) 3,4, 5, 6 times?"
"I'll give you a 5" says the Detective.
Walking with wives
During our weekly Lamaze class, the instructor emphasized the importance of exercise, hinting strongly that husbands need to get out and start walking with their wives. From the back of the room one expectant father inquired, "Would it be okay if she carries a bag of golf clubs while she walks?"
Genie in a bottle
A husband and wife were out enjoying a round of golf and about to tee off on the third hole which was lined by beautiful homes. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice. Her shot was headed directly at a very large picture window. Much to their surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces. They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what had happened.
When they peeked inside the home, they could find no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.
The wife said, "Do you live here?"
"No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there, and freed me from that little bottle. I am so grateful," he answered.
The wife said, "Are you a genie?"
"Oh, why yes, I am. In fact, I am so grateful, I will grant you two wishes, the third I will keep for myself," the genie replied.
The husband and wife agreed on 2 wishes...one was a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever.
The genie nodded and said, "Done!"
The genie now said, "For my wish I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years and, after all, I have made you a scratch golfer and millionaire." The husband and wife agreed and after the genie and wife finished, the genie asked the wife, "How long have you been married?"
She replied, "3 years."
The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?"
To which she responded, "31."
The genie then asked, "How long has he believed in this genie stuff?"
Why is he so mad ?
His wife was a new and nervous player but Jim persuaded her to play against a new customer of his and his wife. "After all," he explained, "it will be a two-ball foursome. I'll drive off and by the time you have to hit the ball the client and his spouse will be elsewhere on the fairway and not watching you."
It was agreed and the game started as Jim had said it would. He hit off with a fine drive, right down the fairway about 320 metres leaving about four metres to the green. He handed his wife an iron and told her to aim for the green. She sliced it with vigour into the deep rough at the side of the fairway. Two!
His shot from the rough was magnificent and landed the ball back on the fairway - this time about half a metre from the green. Three!
She whacked it right over the green and into the sand trap on the other side. Four!
He was in brilliant form and he clipped it neatly from the sand onto the green about a metre from the hole.Five!
Her putt rolled off the green and into another sand trap. Six!
His recovery landed three centimetres from the hole. Seven!
Her putt stopped at the green's edge. Eight!
His putt of thirteen metres went in. Nine!
The customer and his wife holed out with four. Jim's reaction was nothing too dramatic. He merely tore up his score card and ate it, broke three clubs and bent the remainder, jumped up and down on his golf cart and finally, shaking his fist at his wife, he strode off to the clubhouse.
His wife emerged from the sand trap whence she had watched the performance. "I don't know what he's so mad about," she said. "After all, he had five; I only had four!"
Why can't we play golf together
A noted doctor's wife asked him why he never would let her play golf with him.
"My dear," he replied, "there are three things a man must do alone: testify, die and putt."
Golf is a mystery to her
To Bill's wife, golf was a total mystery. She never could understand why Bill insisted on tiring himself by walking so far every time he played. One day she went with him to see for herself what the game was about. For six holes she tramped after him.
It was on the seventh that he landed in the infamous bunker where he floundered about for some time in the sand. She sat herself down composedly and, as the sand began to fly she happily ventured:
"There, I knew you could just as well play in one place if you made up your mind to!"
Get out of that one
Happily innocent of all golfing lore, Sam's wife watched with interest the efforts of her man in the bunker to play his ball. At last it rose amid a cloud of sand, hovered in the air and then dropped on the green and rolled into the hole.
"Oh my stars," Sam wife chuckled, "he'll have a tough time getting out of that one."
Awoken in the night
There was a guy so addicted to golf that all he did is go out on the links every single day. He had ambitions of making it to the Pros, so he took his game very seriously.
One windy day while playing in the finals of a a tournament, the guy was in contention, so he played every shot with utmost care and concentration. After all the scores were submitted, he was declared the winner of the tournament.
He went home to his wife with the trophy and some small cash prize. He kept repeating his round over dinner. The wife, who is not the least bit interested in golf, got up and went to bed early. The guy follows after a few hours, still high on his golf championship.
At around two in the morning, the wife jumps up and screams at her husband, who also gets startled and wakes up. "What happened? Why are you screaming?" the guy asked his wife.
"Why wouldn't I shout? You just pulled a patch of hair from me and threw it up in the air!"
An office affair
A man and his secretary were having an affair. One afternoon, they got a motel room and had strenuous sex. He wasn't used to the pace, so he fell asleep afterwards and didn't wake up until about 8:30 that night.
He woke up in a panic when he realized he was late, so he said to his secretary, "Quick! While I get dressed, you take my shoes outside and drag them around through the grass and mud." Puzzled, the secretary complied.
When the man got home about 9:30, his wife confronted him and asked him where he was. The man said, "I cannot lie to you. I spent the better part of the day doing my secretary in a motel room, then I fell asleep, woke up later, and came right home."
The woman looks down at his shoes and said, "You liar ! You've been out playing golf again!"
You'll drive me mad
" Mildred, shut up," cried the golfer at his nagging wife. "Shut up or you'll drive me out of my mind."
"That," snapped Mildred, "that wouldn't be a drive. That would be a putt."
That was my provisional
Bill got a call from the coroner, who wants to talk about his wife's recent death. Bill told him the whole sad story. "We were on the third hole. Sally, my wife, was standing on the ladies tee about 30 yards ahead of the men's box when I hit my drive. From the sound when the ball hit her head and the way she dropped like a rock, I knew immediately that she was dead. God only knows where the ball wound up."
The coroner replied "That explains the injury to her head, but what about the Maxfli embedded in her rectum?"
"Oh," said Bill. "That was my provisional."
Respect for the dead
Yes, and there's the one about the party of golfers who notice a funeral passing by on a road adjacent to the course. Ralph suggests to the others, "Why don't we pause a moment and show some respect for the dead." So they remove their caps and stand in silence as car after car goes by.
Finally, Ralph remarks, "There sure are a lot of cars. That person must have been well loved." Bill replies, "Yes, she was. We would have been married 25 years tomorrow."
I kept her tee time
Fred, playing as a single at St Andrews was teamed with a twosome. After a few holes, the twosome finally asked why he was playing such a beautiful course by himself. He replied that he & his wife had played the course every year - for over 20 years - but this year she had passed away and he kept the tee time in her memory.
The twosome commented that they thought certainly someone would have been willing to take her spot. "So did I" he said - "but they all wanted to go to the funeral."
Couldn't get over the water
These two couples play golf together regularly at their club, and on the sixth hole, a par four, the second shot to the green must carry 80 yards over water. One of the women, Mrs. Smith, for over a year, could never carry the water, and would always hit into it, totally psyched out by the presence of the water.
Her friend in the group suggested that she might want to see a hynotherapist as rumor was that that could be of help in such a situation. So the woman went to a hypnotherapist for four sessions. In those sessions, the woman was hypnotized and the therapist would "plant suggestions" that when playing the second shot on the sixth hole, she would not see water, but rather a plush green fairway leading all the way up to the green.
About six months later, someone at the club asked whatever happened to Mrs. Smith, that she hadn't seen Mrs. Smith playing golf at the club for almost four months now. She was informed that five months earlier, Mrs. Smith had drowned at the par four sixth!
Here's your tee time
There was a guy who was an avid golfer. He played golf every chance he got; in the rain, in the cold, he even used black balls to play when there was snow on the ground. His wife joked, half in jest, that she was a golf widow and she really wouldn't miss her husband all that much if he died before her, for he was never around anyhow. He spent all his spare money on golf items and gadgets; trick exploding balls, tees with no indentation on the top so the golf ball would roll off it, towels with witty golf sayings on them and all kinds of golf hats.
One night he was in bed asleep after having played 36-holes of golf that day. He was tired but he dreamed of replaying the whole round. Suddenly his dream was interrupted by the appearance of an angel. It was an angel like he had seen in Bible drawings and other art work depicting angels. He was instantly awake.
The angel, with a full set of wings and wearing a long flowing white robe, stood at the foot of his bed. "John," the angel said, for the man's name was John.
"Yes, what is it? You are an angel, aren't you?" John asked.
"Of course I'm an angel. You don't think I'd normally walk around in this silly costume, do you? In fact, I'm your guardian angel," the angel replied.
"Does that mean I get three wishes?" John asked.
"No, I'm not that kind of guardian angel," the heavenly being answered. "As you know, John, you're getting on in years and you don't have as much time left on earth as you once did. Although I can't grant wishes for you, I can answer questions you might have about the hereafter. You do believe in the hereafter, don't you, John?"
"Oh yes and I've been good, with maybe the possible exception of having played too much golf in my lifetime," John replied.
"Playing golf is like going fishing," replied the angel. "There is no such thing as playing too much golf or going fishing too often. Do you have any questions about heaven?"
"As a matter of fact, I do," answered John. "I've often wondered if there are any golf courses in heaven. Can you answer that question for me?"
"Gee, John, no one has ever asked me that question before. I'll have to go back and check on it. Go back to sleep and I'll be back in about 20 minutes." With that, the angel disappeared. John rubbed his eyes and opened them again. The angel was gone and John wondered if he had just had a weird dream. He rolled over on his side and was soon snoring softly again.
True to his word, the angel reappeared within 20 minutes. "John," the angel called.
John woke up to see the angel again standing at the foot of his bed. "Oh, you're back."
"Yes, John, I'm back and I have the answer to your question. But before I tell you, I have to advise that the answer is in two parts, good news and bad news. Which do you want first, the good news or the bad news?"
"Oh dear, I suppose give me the good news first," responded John.
"Okay, the good news is there are golf courses in heaven. All the courses have been designed by Bobby Jones, Arnold Palmer and Jack Nicklaus. There are no greens fees and electric carts are provided at no charge. You have the choice of any brand of clubs you desire. Each course has 36-holes. The greens are always freshly mowed, the sand traps freshly raked, the roughs aren't too high and you never lose a ball in the water for the balls float. When you hit a ball into the woods they always ricochet back into the middle of the fairway. And on every par three hole you will score a hole-in-one. Yes, you will have a wonderful time playing golf in heaven."
"Oh, that sounds wonderful. With all that good news what could the bad news possibly be?" John wondered aloud.
"The bad news is you have a nine o'clock tee time tomorrow morning."
One morning, a man approached the first tee, only to find another guy approaching from the other side. They began talking and decided to play 9 holes together.
After teeing off, they sat off down the fairway, continuing their chat.
"What do you do?" the first man asked.
"I'm a salesman. What about you?"
"I'm a hitman for the mob," replied the second man.
The hitman noticed that the 1st guy started getting a little nervous and continued. "Yeah. I'm the highest paid guy in the business. I'm the best." He stopped, sat down his bag of clubs, and pulled out a fancy, high powered rifle that was loaded with all types of scopes and sights. He than asked the man where he lived.
Still nervous the man replied, "In a subdivision just west of here."
The hitman placed the gun against his shoulder, faced west, peered into a scope and asked "What color roof ya' got?"
Then he asked "What color siding?"
"You got a silver Toyota?"
"Yeah," replied the first man who was now completely amazed by the accuracy of the hitman's equipment. "That's my wife's car."
"That your red pickup next to it?"
Looking baffled the man asked if he could look through the scope.
Looking through the sights, he said "Hell. That's my buddy Jeff's truck. What the hell is he doing there if I'm..?"
The hitman looked through the scope once more. "Your wife a blond?"
"Your buddy got black hair?"
"Well, I don't know how to tell you, but I think you've got a problem. They're going at it like a couple of teenagers in there." said the hitman.
"Problem??! THEY'VE got the problem! I want you to shoot both of them! Right now!"
The hitman paused and said, "Sure. But it'll cost you. Like I said, I'm the best. I get paid $5,000 per shot."
"I don't care! Just do it! I want you to shoot her right in the head, then shoot him right in the groin!"
The hitman agreed, turned, and took firing position. He carefully stared into the sights, taking careful aim. He then said, "You know what buddy. This is your lucky day. I think I can save you $5,000!"
Dame Fortune was seldom kind to Sam . Although Sam had a real zest for life he was constantly beset by bad luck. He loved poker but poker did not love Sam; he played the stock market with great anticipation but always seemed to be the one who bought high and sold low. His life seemed to be full of more downs than ups.
His greatest delight was his golf game. Not that Sam was a great golfer; in fact, he never managed to break 100, but the odd shot that somehow ended up in the general area he had in mind was enough to keep his hopes alive. Finally Sam became ill and passed away. But just before he died, he asked that his remains be cremated and his ashes be scattered just off the fairway on the ninth hole of his home course.
Accordingly, a gathering assembled to carry out Sam's wishes. It was a bright sunny day and was going well. Then, as the ashes were being strewn .... a gust of wind came up and ... blew Sam out of bounds.
Sam and Harry are playing one day. On the first hole, Sam hits a wicked slice into the adjoining fairway. The ball hits another player right between the eyes and he drops to the ground.
Sam and Harry rush over to the prostrate man and find him unconscious with the ball laying on the ground between his legs.
Sam screams, "Oh my God, what should I do?"
Harry replies; "Don't move him. If you leave him there he becomes an immovable obstruction and, according to the rules, you are allowed a drop two club-lengths away."
I'll go back as a...
A man was golfing one day and was struck by lightning. He died and went to heaven. Saint Peter told him when he arrived at the gates of heaven that the bolt of lightning was actually meant for his golf partner. But, because God doesn't want it known that he makes mistakes,the man would have to go back to earth as someone other that himself.
Well, the man thought about it for awhile and announced to Saint Peter that he wanted to return to earth as a lesbian.
Saint Peter asked the man why a macho guy like him would choose to return as a lesbian. The man answered, "It's simple really, this way I can still make love to a woman, AND I can hit from the red tees"!!
Right side of the grass
A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport. "These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.
"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others.
"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the third senior.
After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, "Just be thankful we're still on the right side of the grass!"
Why are you fighting
Watching from the Club house overlooking the 10 green, we saw a foursome approaching. Having marked their balls, suddenly one of the guys fell down and the three others started a fist fight.
The Golf Captain stormed out from the Club house to separate the fighting men.
"Why are you fighting?" he asked "You see," said one of them, "my partner had a stroke and died just now, and these buggers want to include it on the scorecard."
Thanks for saving his life
An American tourist was playing golf in Scotland when he came to a hole with a fast flowing river running down the side of the fairway. A young boy was sitting at the bank of the river and as the tourist hooked his drive and hit the boy who fell into the river. By the time the worried golfer arrived at the river bank, the boy was sinking into the deep water for the third time and was looking poorly.
The tourist immediately jumped into the river and after a real struggle managed to bring the boy to dry land where he quickly revived him. He then brought the boy back to the clubhouse where he arranged for a taxi to take the boy home.
About an hour later a man arrived at the clubhouse and asked the Pro, "Could you tell me where the man is who saved my son?"
The Pro replied "He's over in the hotel - check with the receptionist."
The man then went to the hotel and asked the receptionist, "Could you tell me where the man is who saved my son?"
"Yes, I'll call his room and ask him to come down," was the reply.
A few minutes later the American tourist came down. The man asked him, "Are you the man who saved my son?"
"Yes, I sure am," was the reply.
"Well, would you have his cap?"
How did you get here
Man playing by himself on a gorgeous clear morning, thinking he wouldn't be dead for quids. After parring the first two holes, he lines up on the third, a 400 yard par four, and hits a screamer down the middle. He lines up his second with a 3-iron, but shanks it. It hits a tree, ricochets back, hits him between the eyes and he drops dead on the fairway.
His spirit floats up to the Pearly Gates. "Who are you? says St. Peter.
"Henry Chapman" says Henry Chapman.
St Peter looks at his clipboard and scratches his head. "I've got no record of you being due; how did you get here?"
An odd cure
Peter was not feeling well, bad enough that his wife Sharon had to go and get the test results from the doctor.
"Now Sharon, I don't exactly know what is the problem is -- Peter may even die if he doesn't get the right treatment. The only thing is the right treatment is going to seem a little strange. Peter needs to golf as often as he has strength and you need to give him all the sex he can handle." Sharon nodded and left. When she got home, Peter was anxious to find out what his test results were.
"Well Sharon, what did Doctor have to say? Sharon looked him straight in the face. "Your gonna die."
I've just killed my wife
I've just killed my wife," cried the hysterical golfer rushing into the clubhouse. "I didn't see her. She was behind me you see," he sobbed, "and I started my back swing and clipped her right between the eyes. She must have died on the instant."
"What club were you using?" asked a concerned bystander.
"Oh, the No. 2 iron."
"Oh, oh," murmured the other, "that's the club that always gets me into trouble too."
Misjudging its depth, Ron went wading into the lake to retrieve his badly sliced ball. Very quickly he was floundering out of his depth and as his tweed plus-fours became waterlogged, found himself in real' trouble.
"Help, I'm drowning!" he shouted to his partner.
"Don't worry," came the reply. "You won't drown. You'll never keep your head down long enough."
Golf in hell
Having led an interestingly dissolute life composed largely of women, drinking, gambling and golf, but not necessarily in that order, at the end of it, the new arrival was not too surprised to find himself in hell. He was however quite surprised to find that his particular corner of Hades was an eighteen-hole golf course complete with gentle woods, a cooly serene lake, well kept fairways, an immaculate green and a clubhouse with the usual professional's shop. The reprobate's delight was complete when he read the shop's notice. HELP YOURSELF. ALL EQUIPMENT FREE. "Well, this is going to be tough to take," he leered as he chose a bag containing perfectly matched clubs. So laden he ambled to the first tee where he took out a driver, gave a delighted practice swing and then felt in the ball pocket. It was empty. He was about to return to the shop to remedy the situation when he noticed a grinning figure in red. "Don't mind me," the grin grew wider, "and don't bother going back for balls. There aren't any. That's the hell of it!"
Green golf balls
Bill and Ralph were approaching the first tee. Ralph goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, "Hey, why don't you try this ball." He draws a green golf ball out of his bag. "You can't lose it."
Bill replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?" Ralph replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it."
Obviously, Bill doesn't believe him, but Ralph shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced. Bill says, "Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball!"
Ralph replies, "I found it."
Green golf balls (2)
A golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning. Finally the pro asks him what he wants. "I can't find any green golf balls," the golfer replies. The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls.
As the golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks him, "Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?"
Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!"
The lucky frog
A man takes the day off of work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone, so he tries again. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong; he puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits a birdie. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow! That's amazing! You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. Lucky frog. Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think, frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood," was the reply. The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.
By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "Ok! Where to next?" The frog's reply: "Ribbit. Las Vegas."
The frog and the man go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "Ok, frog; now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3,000, black 6." Now, this is a million to one shot that this would win, but after the golf game, the man figures - what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit. Kiss Me". He figures, why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. So, he kisses the frog. All of a sudden, the frog turns into the most gorgeous 16 year old girl in the world.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."
For months the archaeologists had been tolling deep in the Amazon jungle, clearing creepers and rampant, choking undergrowth from the faint traces of a Lost City. Their excitement mounted as the place`s extraordinary purpose became evident. Broad, winding avenues of giant flagstones had deep, narrow, perfectly circular holes every few hundred yards. It had to be .... a golf course! Any doubt was dispelled by the discovery of stone panels depicting human figures using primitive prototypes of irons or putters.
Next step was to interrogate local Indian tribesmen about traditions associated with the prehistoric golf club. And yes, the tribes did have legends of Old Ones who followed a daily ritual with the clubs and balls, until routed by tragedy. Watching a particularly wrinkled, aged elder chattering to the interpreter, a Professor murmured wistfully. "If only we knew why they gave up golf, making it vanish for centuries before rediscovery."
The interpreter nodded eagerly and relayed the query. The elder, surprised, made a sweeping gesture at the jungle, and replied tersely. "Simple," was the translation, "they couldn`t afford the green fees."
Fred was moderately successful golfer, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. His golf, personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he managed to push on, but when his game turned really sour he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.
"The good news is I can cure your headaches, the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure and allow your swing to work again is to remove the testicles."
Fred was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for, but then figured at least he could play reasonable golf again. He decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realised that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning, swing free, and live a new life. He went to the club for a drink and as he walked past the Pro shop thought, "That's what I need: a new outfit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like some new golf slacks." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see . . .size 44 long." Fred laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Fred tried on the slacks, they fitted perfectly. As Fred admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt, I've got some great new Nicklaus stock."
Fred thought for a moment and then said, "Sure . ." . The salesman eyed Fred and said, "Let's see. . .34 sleeve and . . . 16 and and half neck" Fred was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Fred tried on the shirt, and it fitted perfectly. As Fred adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes, we just got new stock with soft spikes" Fred was on a roll and agreed. The salesman said, "Let's see. . .9 and a half. . . wide."
Fred was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Fred tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Fred walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating, Fred said, "Sure . . " The salesman eyed Fred's head and said, "Let's see. . .7 5/8." Fred was really impressed, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job."
The hat fit perfectly. Fred was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear, got some great new imported stock." Fred thought for a second and said, "Sure . . "The salesman stepped back, eyed Fred's waist and said, "Let's see. . size 36." Fred laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34 - every time you swing it would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
What is the braver force
A marine drill sergeant fancied a round of golf one day, and headed out to his favourite links. Waiting on the first tee, he noticed an air force commander, also waiting on the first tee and also alone. Both being in the armed forces, they decided to play together.
It wasn't long before they were talking about work. They shared boot camp stories, war memories, and jokes about new recruits. It went this way until about the third hole, when the marine sergeant was finishing a story about a runaway tank and said, "And you know that the marines are the bravest men in the armed forces."
The air force commander dropped his putter, "Just what do you mean by that?" he challenged. "Well," the sergeant went on, "who do you send to take new territory? Who do you send in when you're out numbered? Who gets the call for the most covert operations?"
The air force commander putted out, and angrily he said, "Well, while you are hiding in the bushes, who is a clear target in the sky? Who do you call for support when you're losing? And who is always sent in during a losing battle? Sir, the men of the air force are the bravest men." This argument lasted for the rest of the round. Both men swearing their men were the bravest, and each had stories to tell to back up their claims.
After finishing, they headed to the club house for a beer, still debating the matter. Finally, the marine sergeant stood and said, "I've got to head back to camp. Play again next week?"
To this, the air force commander said, "Well, I must apologise, it seems I was mistaken. Anyone who played like you did today, and is willing to come back to the same golf course is a much braver man than myself!"
The visiting aliens
An alien spaceship hovered over a golf course. Two aliens were watching a solitary golfer practising on a golf course. This was a new golfer and they watched in amazement.
The golfer duff his tee shot, shanked his second into the rough, took three to get out of the rough into the fairway, slice the next shot into the bushes, took a putter to get it out on the fairway again.
Meanwhile, one alien told the other that he must be playing some sort of game and they continued to observe the golfer.
Hit a great shot into a bunker by the green. He took several shots to get out of the bunker and finally on to the green. He putted several times until he finally got into the hole. At this stage, the other alien told his partner, "Wow, now he is in serious trouble".
Good dentures ?
A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning. His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before.
"Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?"
"Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot," he said. "The ball most have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the groin. That was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."
Practice your putting
"Doctor, we've got an emergency! My baby just swallowed my golf tees."
"I'll be there at once."
"But tell me what to do till you get here, doc?"
"Practice your putting."
Three old men
Three old men are about to play their regular match when the starter asks if they mind that a lady joins them to make up a four ball.
When they see the stunning beautiful 18 year old blonde they all agree that she would make a great 4th. Her standard of golf does not match her looks and after playing 17 bad holes she gets to the 18th and has a 20 foot put for a par.
"I would do anything in the world to get a par" she tells the three men.
All three obviously have the same thing in mind. The first man says "hold your hands tight together and aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole"
The second man says "No, no, aim just inside the left edge and hit it firm, make sure you do not leave it short"
The 3rd gentleman walks around the green surveying the hole from every angle and say's "Ah, its a gimmie."
The new club members
Fred and Harry decided to join the best golf club that money could buy. On their first lay they went into the bar for a drink before the game. They ordered two whiskies and enquired:
"How much is that.'"
The barman smiled. "Are you new members?" he asked. "This your first day at the club?"
"Yes," replied Fred and Harry. "Well, it's on the house."
Then the two friends decided to lunch in the club lining room. It was a sumptuous repast after which Harry called the waitress over.
"We'd like to settle up," he said. The waitress smiled sweetly and enquired whether hey were new members. "Yes," they told her, "we are indeed."
"And is this your first day at the club?" "Yes," they replied.
"Then, it's on the house, sirs."
Much pleased, the two decided it was time to have a game so they walked into the pro shop to buy some balls. "Give me half a dozen," Fred ordered grandly. `How much is that?"
"Are you new members, sir? Is it your first day at the club?" "Yes, yes," smiled Fred
"That will be seventy-five dollars," the pro advised.
Fred turned to Harry and whispered: "It sure ain't by the throat they got you in this club."
Attracting the right sort
An old tramp had wandered leisurely up to the green of the eighteenth where he sat himself down among his many coats. He dug among the variety of old bags he was carrying and brought forth with great pomp a handful of dried twigs and two iron rods which he arranged to form into a holder. From this he hung a pot of water suspended over the twigs.
Members gathering at the clubhouse windows watched as he got his campfire going. The tranquillity of the scene was shattered when a man dashed from the clubhouse and, leaving no room for doubt, ordered the tramp off the course.
"Well, just who do you think you are," asked the tramp.
"I'm the club secretary," shouted the man.
"Well, listen sonny," the tramp retorted. "Let me give you some advice. That's hardly the way to get new members."
Who's tee ?
As the two players approached the ninth tee they noticed what appeared to be a small picnic party assembled right on the spot. "Here, what are you doing with our tee?" one called out. "I it ain't yours," came the retort. "We brought it with us all the way from town."
Only golfers allowed
Eric, the club's worst golfer, was addressing his ball. Feet apart, just so, eye on the ball, just so, a few practice wiffles with the driver, just so, then swing. He missed. The procedure was repeated and then repeated again. On the fourth swing however he did manage to connect with his ball and drove it five metres down the fairway. Looking up in exasperation he saw a stranger who had stopped to watch him. "Look here!" Eric shouted angrily. "Only golfers are allowed on this course!" The stranger nodded, "I know it, mister," he replied. "But I won't say anything if you won't either!"
Injury to a Scottish golfer
The old golfer paced anxiously up and down outside he emergency room of the East Lothian Hospital near Muirfield Golf Course. Inside the doctors were operating to remove a golf ball accidentally driven down a player's throat.
The sister-in-charge noticed the old golfer and went to reassure him.
"It won't be long now," she said. "You're a relative?"
"No, no, lassie. It's my ball."
Boys that swear
The party games were a triumph and now the marble tournament was in full swing. Then sixyear-old Simon missed an easy shot and let fly with a potent expletive.
"Simon," his mother remonstrated in embarrassment from the sidelines, "what do little boys who swear when they are playing marbles turn into?"
"Golfers," Simon replied.
Flying home to Eire
Paddy and Mick were returning to their native land to play in the All Eire Champions Golf Tournament. Halfway across the Atlantic the pilot of their plane announced over the intercom:
"Ladies and gentlemen. This is your captain speaking. I regret to say that we have lost the use of the outer starboard engine. But there is nothing to worry about. We still have three perfectly good engines which will get us to Shannon airport."
And an hour later the captain's voice was once again heard: "Ladies and gentlemen. It's the outer port engine that's gone this time. But nothing to worry about, we still have two good engines."
Another half hour passed and once again the captain came on the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen. I do regret to announce that the inner starboard engine has gone... "
"Begorrah, Mick," Paddy turned to his mate with a worried expression. "If we lose that fourth engine, we'll not only miss the tee off, we'll be up here all night!"
Lost and Found
I say greenkeeper, I dropped my bottle of Scotch out of the bag somewhere on the seventh. Anything handed in at lost-and-found?" "Only the golfer who played after you, sir."
Not much of a fighter
The argumentative drunk in the club bar had been looking for a fight all afternoon since losing his game. Finally he threw a punch at the player on the nearest bar stool. He ducked and the drunk, losing balance, fell off his stool and onto the floor. By the time he'd disentangled himself from bar stools and dusted himself off, his opponent had left.
"D'ya see that, barman.'" he complained. "Not much of a fighter was he?"
"Not much of a driver either, sir. He's just driven over your clubs," said the barman gazing out the window.
Explorer: "There we were surrounded. Fierce savages everywhere you looked. They uttered awful cries and beat their clubs on the ground. . . "
Weary listener: "Golfers, probably."
That he was a wealthy American tourist was obvious. On his arrival at a small Irish hotel the tiny reception area became full in an instant. Not only were there suitcases but also golf clubs, golf shoes, golf umbrellas and several boxes of balls. "Surely now, sir," cried the manager eyeing the baggage with alarm, "there must be some mistake. We've no golf course you see and you'll be finding there's not one within miles of the place." "Well now, that's no problem," drawled the tourist. "I'm having one sent over with my heavy baggage."
At New Zealand's Rotorua Club they include bubbling mud pools, quicksand and steaming geysers and the water hazards are hot and fast flowing.
A visiting American player on the twelfth came across a quicksand bog.
Extending from it was a hand gesticulating wildly. "My, oh my," said the American, "is he signalling for his wedge?"
A hot summer day
The summer day was a particularly hot one, but the Englishman who was on a golfing tour of the Continent gloried in the heat even though in Italy it had most of the locals gasping.
He was playing towards the fourth hole at Pisa's Golf and Country Club when he came across a player who was completely naked and cooling herself in the water hazard.
Being a discreet soul, he cleared his throat to let her know he was there. She took no notice.
"Er, I say, hello," he called hesitantly in case she hadn't heard his previous approach.
"Er, I believe I've taken you unawares."
"Well," came a languid reply, "you junta' putta' 'em back!"
Anything for an ace
He'd been playing for twenty years and he'd never managed it - the ultimate goal, a hole in one. As he was chipping away in a sandtrap one day and moving nothing but sand, he voiced the thought. "I'd give anything," he said, "anything to get a hole in one."
"Anything?" came a voice from behind and he turned to see a grinning, red-clad figure with neatly polished horns and sharpened tail.
"What did you have in mind?" the golfer enquired.
"Well would you give up half your sex life.'"
"Yes, Yes I would."
"It's a deal then," and the figure faded discreetly from sight.
On the very next hole he did it. The ball just soared from his club in a perfect arc right into the hole. And for good measure, every other hole he played that round he holed in one. As he was putting his clubs away the figure in red appeared once more.
"Now for our bargain," he said. "You remember you must give up half your sex life."
The golfer frowned. "That gives me a bit of a problem," he said.
"You're not backing out of this," cried the figure with a swish of its tail. "We'd struck a bargain and you agreed to it."
"Yes, of course. But I do have a problem. Which half of my sex life do you want - the thinking or the dreaming?"
Golf with a civil servant
Good lord, Binky," the old admiral roared to his friend as he came into the clubhouse looking anything but pleased. "I've just been playing with a chappie from the Treasury. One of those civil service wallahs."
"Good oh, Bunny," replied the other old regular absently. "Bring him in for a drink."
"Can't," replied the old sea dog. "Playing the sixteenth someone shouted `fore' and the blighter sat down to wait for a cup of tea. I've come in and left him sitting there."
No free tee times
The club secretary was apologetic. "I'm sorry, sir, but we have no time open on the course today."
"Now just a minute," the member rejoined. "What if I told you Prince Andrew and partner wanted a game. Could you find a starting time for them?"
"Yes, of course I would."
"Well, I happen to know that he's in Scotland at the moment, so we'll take his time."
Beginners first round
Morris was a man who knew all there was to know about golf. He knew all the courses, the champions, their scores, as well as the prize money the professionals had won for the past fifty years or more. He had read every book ever published on the game and knew all there was to know about technique, but, strange to say, he had never played a game.
Having listened to him hold forth for so long his friends finally ganged up on him and insisted that he play a game. It was arranged for the following weekend. Morris set out with borrowed clubs and faced the eighteen holes of his home course.
Five hours later he returned with a score of 53 which included four eagles, nine birdies and a hole in one. Never had anyone seen such a fine performance from a beginner. However while the celebrations were going on in the clubhouse, Morris announced that he would never play again.
"What!" cried his distraught mates. "What!" echoed the equally distraught pro. "But you could win all sorts of prizes for the club. You know everything there is to know about the game." "Not everything," Morris replied. "The books didn't tell me I'd have to walk."
A favour returned
When the Maharajah of Merchandani was taken suddenly ill during a holiday in England he was attended by a young locum filling in for the Wimpole Street surgeon. The Maharajah's appendix was deftly removed and the patient was beaming.
"You saved my life," he said to the young man.
HAVE YOUR CLUBS BUT SADLY ALL NOT MATCHED STOP FOUR DO NOT HAVE SWIMMING POOLS STOP
Too nice for court
The sky above was blue and cloudless. Only a light breeze ruffled the treetops outside the window. If the judge had been a lawmaker instead of a law interpreter he knew he would be making laws forbidding court sessions on such glorious days.
"Well," he mused, dragging his eyes back to the court, "I guess there's no way out. I might just as well tune back in on the case."
"And in addition to that, Your Honour," the barrister for the defence was droning, "my client claims she was beaten into insensibility by a golf club in the hand of her husband."
"How many strokes?" murmured the judge absently.
Green Fees (2)
The two golfers were discussing a bill that Harry the hospital administrator had sent Bill, recent father forthe first time.
"I mean. £25 use of delivery room's just not on, old man, you know I didn't get the wife there in time and the baby was born on the front lawn.
Harry leant over, took the bill and crossed out the offending entry and substituted another. "Greens Fee £25", it read.
Englishman & Scotsman
There was this Englishman and this Scotsman who were preparing to shoot a round of golf on the Royal and Ancient Golf Club of St Andrews.
The Sassenach, a bow-legged squire from the Dales, stood near the tee while the Scot made a few practice swings.
Then the bow legs proved too much for the Scot and obeying a mischievous urge, he sent the ball whistling between them.
"I say, old chap," the Englishman's tone was indignant, "that isn't cricket."
"No 'tis not," grinned the highlander, "it's good croquet, thought."
Three visitors to Royal Eastborne Club decided to join forces for a game but, of course, they first introduced themselves each other.
"My name is Avram Solomon", said the bearded gent, "but I'm not the Rabbi."
"My name is Attila, but I'm not the Hun", said the quietly spoken youth wearing glasses.
My n-n-n-name is M-M-M-Mary, said the shy young woman, "and I'm not a v-v-v-v-v-very good player."
Two new members
Saturday night and the clubhouse was crowded and noisy. The two players were drinking at the bar and discussing their game.
"Excuse me," the barman interrupted, "you're new members, aren't you?"
"Yes," replied one player, "but in all this crowd, how did you know?"
"You put your drinks down."
80 year old golfer
MacDonald was aged 80 when, for the first time in his life, he walked into his golf club bar and ordered drinks for everyone
"What's the occasion, mon?" enquired the stunned bartender. "Hole in one?"
"No," the old highlander replied, "I've just married a bonnie lass!"
It was seven months later when MacDonald again strode into the bar and again ordered drinks all round.
"And what are we celebrating this time?" asked the amazed bartender.
"Tis the wife, lad, she's just presented me with a baby boy."
"But you've only been married seven months!"
"Tis true, 'tis true! Imagine it - two under par and me with a whippy shaft!"
What's wrong with golf ?
He'd rejected the idea of dieting, health spas and swimming but when his doctor advised golf, the corpulent patient thought it might be worth trying.
After a few weeks, however, he was back at the doctor's and asking whether he could take up some other game.
"But," protested the doctor, "what's wrong with golf? There's no finer game!"
"You are doubtless correct," the patient replied, "but my trouble is that when I put the wretched ball where I can see it I can't hit it and when 1 put it where I can hit it, I can't see it!"
The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson. "Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?" she asked the instructor. "P-u-t-t is correct," he replied. "Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."
Golf is what you play when you're too out of shape to play softball.
Q: What do you call 1,000 golfers lined up on a pebble beach holding hands?
Why do golfers always carry two pairs of trousers with them ?
The only reason I play golf is to bug my wife. She thinks I'm having fun.
You know it's too wet to play golf when your cart capsizes.
Where can you find 100 doctors all at the same place on any given day? "A golf course!!"
Two golfers were sitting at the 19th hole discussing their games this year when
one says to the other,
What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
What should you do if your round of golf is interrupted by a lightning storm?
Do you know why there are 18 holes on a golf course?
Did you hear about the Mexican golfer who got shot yesterday?
The only difference between driving in golf and driving a car is that when you drive a car you don't want to hit anything.
My uncle, who has golfed all his life, has his own definition of the word G.O.L.F.: Getting Old and Living Fine!
Two long time golfers were standing over looking the river. One golfer looked to the other and said, "Look at those idiots fishin' in the rain."
What are the four worst words you could hear during a game of golf? you're still away!
Did you hear about the player who spent so much time in the bunker he got mail addressed to Hitler?
A golfer has one advantage over a fisherman.
"Your trouble is that you're not addressing the ball correctly."
Q: What is the difference between a lost golf ball and the G-spot?
The other day I was playing golf and I hit two of my best balls.
Q: What do you call a blonde golfer with an IQ of 125?
What do golf and sex have in common?
"What is a handicapped golfer?"
Jesus & Tiger Woods
Jesus and Tiger Woods were playing golf. It's Arnold's turn to tee off, and he does so on a long par five. It's a great drive straight up the fairway, and he's about a seven iron off the green. "Not bad," Jesus says. Jesus then steps up to tee off, and He too hits a great shot, but it's not anywhere near as close as Wood's first shot.
Just as the ball comes to a stop, a gopher pops out of its hole, grabs Jesus' ball in its mouth and starts to run up the fairway. Before it can get even twenty feet yards, an eagle swoops down out of the heavens and grabs the gopher in its mouth and flies off towards the green. Just as the ball, eagle, and gopher get above the hole, a lightning bolt strikes out of a cloudless sky and vaporizes both the eagle and the gopher. The ball drops straight down into the hole for a hole-in-one.
Jesus looks up and says, "Dad! Please! I'd rather do it myself!
Heaven or Hell
There was a good man named Bill who died and appeared before St. Peter at the Holy Gates. St. Peter checks out his books and discovers that there is a problem. He says that there is no clear answer in the books on where the man is supposed to go, Heaven or Hell. He suggests that the man should go to Hell and check it out, so that he may make the decision himself. If he didn't like what he saw there, he could come back to Heaven.
Well, this man had only one true vice while he was alive. It seems he had an uncontrollable desire to play golf at any opportunity. He had traveled the world playing all the famous golf courses. When the man arrived in Hell, Satan welcomed him, but he too was surprised at the man's situation. He had assumed that since the question about the man's ultimate destination wasn't clear, the man would go to Heaven.
Behind Satan, Bill could see the most beautiful golf course ever built. It had beautiful trees, blue ponds, water separating the fairways, and almost everything in a golf course a golfer could ever wish for in life. Bill fell in love with at first site, and he couldn't control himself. He just had to play a round. The devil showed him a solid gold electric golf cart, a perfect leather bag-- soft and supple yet strong like iron, and a brand new set of Big Bertha clubs. Satan reached into his pocket and presented the man with a Golden Tee. The devil then said that only members could play. The man couldn't control himself. He just had to play there.
Bill returns to Heaven and tells St. Peter that he has decided to stay in Hell so he could play on the Beautiful Golf Course there. When the man returns to Hell, he approaches Satan and asks for a tee time. The devil says that anytime at all, the man could play. No one else uses the course. Chuckling with glee, the man approaches the first tee. He gets out of his beautiful golf cart, reaches for his perfectly matched clubs and selects his driver. He then reaches into his pants pocket and pulls out his Golden Tee, then frantically searches everywhere for a ball. Satan comes up and the Bill asks him for a ball.
"That's the Hell of it," says Satan.
Golf on a Sunday
It seems there was this priest who just loved to play golf, but he had been very busy for many months and had not been able to get away to go golfing. Well, one Sunday morning he woke up and felt he just HAD to go golfing. The weather was just beautiful.
He called up the Bishop and claimed he had a really bad case of laryngitis and couldn't preach, so the Bishop told him to rest for several days. He then got out his clubs and headed off for the golf course.
He set up at the first hole, making sure no one was there to see him playing hooky, and blasted the ball with his wood. It was a beautiful shot! It went straight and true. It bounced, and bounced (right up onto the green) and rolled its way closer... and closer... a hole-in-one! The priest jumped up and down in his excitement, praising the Lord and shouting hallelujahs!
He struts off to the green, collects his ball, and tees off at the second hole, repeating his performance on the first hole, much to his astounded delight.
All this time St. Peter and God have been watching him from the gates of heaven. St. Peter has finally seen enough to pique his curiosity. "Lord," he says, "this priest seems to be a real trouble maker. He ignored his congregation and even lied to go golfing. Now you reward him with a hole-in-one! Why?"
God smiles, looks over at St. Peter, and says, "I'm punishing him." St. Peter looks very confused and asks God for an explanation. God replies, "Well, after he finishes his game by himself, who can he tell his story to?"
One pleasant afternoon, a Priest and a Nun were out golfing. The father deferred to the Nun on the first hole, and she hit a nice ball towards the green. The Father tees up, then smacks the ball into the woods.
"Damn it! #$*^&%$#%^@$# %#&^%&!$, I MISSED!" he cries.
"Father!" says the Nun, "You should watch your language. The Lord will not like it."
The second hole comes up. The father tees off, and the ball once again goes sailing into the woods.
"Damn it! #$*^&^%$#%^@$#, I MISSED!" he cries.
"Father!" says the Nun, "Watch what you say! It is Blasphemy!"
On the third hole, the father again tees up his ball. Once again, the ball sails wide, this time landing in the water hazard.
"Damn it! #$*^&^%$#%^@$#, I MISSED!" he cries.
As the Nun starts to speak, a great bolt of lightning sails down from the sky and strikes the Nun, reducing her to ash.
From the sky comes a booming voice: "Damn it! #$*^&^%$#%^@$#, I MISSED!"
Advice from above
A keen but unskilled golfer plays the same course every week, and has particular trouble with the water trap on the 14th hole, losing a ball in it every time he plays that hole. One round he decides that this process is too expensive and decides to use an old cut-up ball instead of a good ball. He opens his bag and gets the old ball, tees it up and addresses it. Just as he commences his back-swing a mighty voice comes from on high:
"USE THE NEW BALL..."
Figuring any advice from such a source should be worth following he picks up the old ball and tees up the new one again. He starts his back-swing but once again is interrupted by a voice from the sky:
"TAKE A PRACTICE SWING..."
The man steps away from the ball and rehearses his swing. Just as he steps forward to readdress the ball, the voice speaks again:
"USE THE OLD BALL."
A golfer hooks his drive into the woods to the left of the fairway. While looking for his ball he happens upon a leprechaun. The leprechaun asks him, "How's your round of golf is going?". The golfer admits, "I'm having one of my worst rounds ever. "The leprechaun zaps the golfer with a magic spell. The leprechaun then asks, "How's your sex life doing?" The golfer replies, "In all honesty, I haven't had any in years." So, the leprechaun zaps him with another spell. The golfer goes on to have his best round ever.
Two months later the golfer is playing the same course. He checks to see if the leprechaun is still around. Sure enough, he spots him in the woods. The leprechaun asks, "How's how has your golf been lately? "The golfer responds with pride, "I'm playing the best golf of my life." The leprechaun then asks, "How's your sex life doing?" The golfer replies happily, "I've been getting some almost every other week." The leprechaun seemed dismayed and said, "Boy, I would have thought you would be doing much better than that."
The golfer replied, "Well for a priest, from a small town, with no car, every other week isn't so bad."
Jesus & Moses playing golf
Jesus and Moses are playing golf. On the 5th hole, a shot over water to an island green, Moses hits his 6-iron and it lands perfectly on the green. Jesus takes out his 7-iron and begins tee-ing it up.
Moses says: "The 7 isn't enough club. It'll go in the water"
Jesus replies: "If Tiger Woods can do it, I can do it."
He swings the 7-iron and sure enough, straight in the drink. He tees up a second ball and grabs his 7-iron again. Again Moses reminds him of his previous attempt and Jesus says, "If Tiger Woods can do it, I can do it." "PLOP" in the water, it goes again. He continues this until he has hit all his golf balls into the water. At this point, he begins walking out on the water looking down to locate his lost golf balls. The foursome behind them approaches the tee, spots Jesus out on the lake and says to Moses, "Hey, who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?"
Moses replies, "No, Tiger Woods."
Jesus, God & Moses playing golf
Jesus, Moses and God were out playing golf one day. Jesus teed off first, and the ball flew straight over the fairway, landed in the green and rolled to within a couple feet of the hole. Moses hit second, and his ball also soared and landed close to the hole. Both looked over at God.
God took a few practice swings, then let loose on his ball. The ball flew off into the rough. Just then, a squirrel jumped over, grabbed the ball in his mouth and started running across the fairway. An eagle swooped down and grabbed the squirrel in its claws, but before it could get too far, a bolt of lightning struck the bird. The ball fell and a sudden gust of wind dropped it directly into the hole.
Jesus glared at God and said: "Hey, are you here to play golf or just screw around?"
To the recently deceased, "you did lead an exemplary life on earth--but there is one instance of your taking the name of The Lord in vain. Would you care to tell us about it?"
"I recall," replied the new applicant, "it was in 1965 on the last hole at Pinehurst. I only needed a par four to break 70 for the first time in my life."
"Was your drive good?" asked St. Peter, with increasing interest.
"Right down the middle. But when I got to my ball, it was plugged deep in a wet rut made by a drunk's golf cart."
"Oh dear," said St. Peter, "A real sucker! Is that when you..."
"No. I'm pretty good with a 3-iron. I played the ball close to my feet, caught the sweet spot and moved it right onto the green. But it bounced on a twig or something--it was a very windy day--and slid off the apron right under the steepest lip of the trap."
"What a pity!" said St. Peter consolingly, "Then that must have been when..." "No. I gritted my teeth, dug in with and open stance, swung a smooth outside arc, and backspun a bucket's worth of sand up onto the green. When everything settled down, there was my ball, only ten inches off into the cup."
"JESUS CHRIST!" shrieked St. Peter, "Don't tell me you choked the putt!"
The Pope met with the Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, leader of the Jewish nation. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed as he had never held a golf club in his life. "Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "We'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres....we can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honoured and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus. "Second!?" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres!!??" "No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Palmer."
You mean golf ?
The devil was holding a meeting with all the little demons. He stood up and said, "Well you poor useless lot of sissies, this guy Jesus is putting to much good in the world, you time wasters, you make me sick, you came to hell to make their life a misery; instead you waste your time playing silly games, so what are you going to do about it?"
Well, just then a small devil quite new to the job and very timid sheepishly said, "O'lord of great darkness I know I'm not as powerful as you but may I make a suggestion, it seems to me if we could build them up and knock them down the pain would be so great we will soon gain control."
Just as he said that a more experienced demon said "You mean golf?"
The devil himself interrupts saying, "Steady on old man, we don't want to finish them off that quick."
The Fortune Teller
Golfer: "Are there golf courses in Heaven?"
Fortune Teller: "I have good news, and I have bad news..."
Golfer: "What's the good news?"
Fortune Teller: "The good news is that Heaven's golf courses are beautiful beyond anything you could imagine!"
Golfer: "How could there be any bad news with that?"
Fortune Teller: "You have a tee-time at 8:30 tomorrow morning."
A rather good golf junkie who happens to be a priest is on the 18th hole and has about a 200 yard approach shot to the green. He drags out his 1-iron, and starts to swing at the ball. Suddenly, the clouds overhead let out a flash of lightning and a massive roll of thunder, shattering a tree some 3 hundred yards east, and the rain begins pouring down in a blinding sheet.
The distraction causes him to hook the shot badly out of bounds. He waves his 1-iron at the clouds, screaming and yelling and cursing God. His caddie runs up, grabs his club arm and yanks it down, yelling ``Are you crazy? You don't wave a club around like that in a thunderstorm!'' The priest looks at his caddie and says
"Phhhhhtt. Not even God can hit a 1-iron!''.
Keeping your head down
A young man is playing golf with a priest. At a short hole the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole son?"
The young man says, "An eight iron, father. How about you?"
The priest says, "I'm going to his a soft seven and pray."
The young man hits his eight iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7 iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.
The young man says, "I don't know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down."
A sin to play on Sunday
After church one Sunday, one of the congregants walked up to the priest and said, "Father, is it a sin to play golf on Sunday?
"My son," said the priest, putting his hand on the man's shoulder, "I've seen you play golf. It's a sin any day."
What does that mean
A rabbi and a priest go golfing with the club pro and his friend. Before the friend gets up to hit the ball, he crosses himself. With that the rabbi leans over to the priest to ask,
"What does that mean?"
To which the priest replied, "Not a damn thing if he can't play!"
What's your handicap
A minister went to the local golf course hoping to find someone to play with. As luck would have it, there was a member in the pro shop looking for a game, so they were introduced and went to the first tee.
The member asked, "What's your handicap?"
The minister agreed, and when they finished they went into the club house. As the minister was shelling out eighteen dollars to the member, he said,
"Say, I'd like for you to come down to the church sometime."
Deal with the devil
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."
A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?" The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless, but also that perhaps this is a good omen, so he says, "Okay," and sinks the putt.
Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole." The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?" The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." He makes an eagle.
On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?" The golfer says, "Certainly!" He makes the eagle.
As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says, "You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life." "Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "I'm Father O'Malley."
Did you cheat your wife ?
Three golfers are standing at the gates of heaven and St. Peter asked them if they ever cheated while playing golf with their wives.
The first man said all the time, so St. Peter gave him a motorcycle and admitted him to heaven.
The second man said "I cheated a couple of times" so St. Peter gives him a mid-sized car and lets him into heaven. The third man said "For 40 years I only ever played golf with my wife, most of the time she beat me but I never cheated ."
So St. Peter gives him a Rolls-Royce and admitted him to heaven. A week later the three men met at an intersection in heaven and the third man was sitting in his car crying. The other men asked why he was crying, he had such a nice car. The third man said "I just saw my wife and she was driving a skateboard".
Golfing with nuns
A man wants to play golf, but shows up at the golf course by himself. The starter groups him with 3 ladies, currently on the first hole. Upon walking up to the tee, the man sees the three ladies are nuns. He thinks to himself, "I gotta watch my p's and q's!" Everyone introduces everyone else on the first tee and one of the nuns says to the man, "Go ahead sir! You're up."
The man takes a deep breath and proceeds to the tee off. The ball goes down the fairway, hits a rock, and bounces directly to the right into the sand bunker. The man says, "Jesus Christ! Did you see that?!" forgetting his audience.
He is instantly embarrassed when he comes to his senses and one of the nuns says, "We don't talk that way in the presence of the Lord. Watch your language, sir. Now step aside, it's my turn."
The nun winds up and swings as absolutely hard as she can. The ball slices almost instantly, hits a tree dead center, and bounces out of bounds across the parking lot. The nun bends over, gets her tee, and mutters "Goddammit!!" as she walks by the man. The man, rather amused and astonished, says "Why sister, you just said..."
The nun interrupts and finishes, "Yeah, I know what I just said. But then again you didn't just hit a goddamm tree, did you?"
Joe and his priest are playing in a golf match. Joe's game is perfect that day, and he is giving the priest a thorough drubbing. The priest can only sigh as he fills in the scorecard from the last hole.
Sensing his pastor's unhappiness, Joe says to him, "Cheer up Father--just think, one of these days you will be giving the services at my funeral."
The Priest looked at him and made a poor attempt at a grin while saying, "Yes, that may be true, but it will still be your hole."
Here in two
A golfer hit his drive on the first hole 300 yards right down the middle. When it came down, however, it hit a sprinkler and the ball went sideways into the woods. He was angry, but he went into the woods and hit a very hard 2 iron which hit a tree and bounced back straight at him.
It hit him in the temple and killed him. He was at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter looked at the big book and said, "I see you were a golfer, is that correct?""Yes, I am," he replied. St. Peter then said, "Do you hit the ball a long way?"The golfer replied, "You bet. After all, I got here in 2, didn't I?"
Only a golfer
A golf pro passes away and is standing in line at the pearly gates. Impatient and self serving, he skips line and heads right for St. Peter.
Explaining to St. Peter that he is a professional golfer and deserves better than waiting in line like others, he demands to be admitted to heaven.
St. Peter replies that there are no favourites in heaven and that he must wait in line as the others. Grudgingly, the pro heads toward the back of the line to wait his turn.
Just as he reaches the back of the line, he notices a gentleman, dressed similarly and carrying a putter, approach St. Peter. St. Peter nods and allows the fellow to walk through the gates into heaven.
The golf pro, not believing his eyes, storms up to St. Peter demanding an explanation: "I'm a scratch golfer and have been for 20 years, and have been denied immediate entry to heaven, yet you let that weekend golfer walk right in."
"Oh, that guy," replies St. Peter. "That's God. He only thinks he's a golfer."
We keep our head down
A young man is playing golf with a priest. At a short hole the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole son?"
The young man says, "An eight iron, father. How about you?"
The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."
The young man hits his eight iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7 iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.
The young man says, "I don't know about you, father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down."
The three Rabbis
Three very religious rabbis in black with long beards were playing golf. A guy named Mulhaney wanted to play golf and this was the only threesome in which he could play. So he joins the rabbis and plays 18 holes. At the end of the game his score is 104. The rabbis shot 69, 70 and 71.
He says to them, "How come you all play such good golf?"
The lead rabbi said, "When you live a religious life, join and attend temple, you are rewarded."
Mulhaney loves golf and figures, what do I have to lose. So he finds a temple close to his home, attends twice a week, converts, joins and lives a holy life.
About a year later he again plays golf with the three rabbis. He shoots a 104 and they shoot a 69, 70, 71.
He says to them, "Okay, I joined a temple, live a religious life and I'm still shooting lousy.
The lead rabbi said to him, "What temple did you join?"
He said, "Beth Shalom".
The rabbi retorted, "Schmuck! That one's for tennis!"
Back at the nineteenth, in a vile mood, he delivered his bitter tale of woe.
"Nothing could stop me winning. I had a putt of about eleven inches, hardly more than a tap-in, to clinch it. The green was dead flat, perfectly true, a real billiard table. Not a breath of wind.
"My ball was heading for the cup, on rails. Then a raven swooped down, snatched it up, and circled the flag stick, twice. The raven then passed the ball to a vulture, which flapped over to Paradise Brook, opened its talons and .........splash. End of story."
St. Peter sighed deeply and vowed, "Last time I play St Francis of Assisi."
Don't swear with a priest
Fred had tried to be particularly careful about his language as he played golf with his priest. But on the twelfth hole, when he twice failed to hit out of a sand trap, he lost his resolve and let fly with a string of expletives.
The preacher felt obliged to respond. "I have observed," said he in a calm voice, "that the best golfers do not use foul language."
"I guess not, said Fred, "what the hell do they have to swear about?"
Jesus is watching you
One night a thief breaks into The Valhalla Golf Club's pro shop in the middle of the night. Fumbling through the titanium drivers, he hears a voice say
"Jesus is watching you, Jesus is watching you."
He proceeds to fill his bags with the clubs and other expensive merchandise. While making his way to the sweatshirts, hats, etc., he hears...
"Jesus is watching you".
Baffled, he looks around with his flashlight and sees a parrot.
He looks at the beautiful creature and says "What kind of jerk would have a bird like you in a pro shop like this?"
The bird cocked his head slightly and replied, "The same one that named the pit bull Jesus!"
I have punished him
Father Patrick, who was not averse to berating his congregation for abusing the Sabbath, still liked to sneak off occasionally for a quick round of the course before the early morning service.
At crack of dawn one midsummer morning he was spotted on the tenth tee one Sunday by an angel; and the angel was much annoyed.
"Father, he should be punished!" he said as he reported the miscreant to God.
"And so he shall be, my son. Watch this!" the heavenly Father replied. Father Patrick hit off on the 590-metre, par five hole, and his ball arced gracefully in direct line with the pin. It dropped onto the green and a gentle breeze caught it and carried it a few.centimetres right into the hole. The angel turned a puzzled face to God.
"Sir, I thought you were going to punish him and instead you've given him what every golfer dreams of - a hole in one and on the longest hole on the course!"
The good Lord smiled. "I have punished him! Who can he tell?"
Deal with a leprechaun
This golfer was playing the famous dog leg 4th hole at Kilarney, and was just about to tee off, when a voice said "Hello there".
He looked around and the voice said "Down here", and there at his feet was a little leprechaun, who said "How would you like to drive over those trees, land on the green and putt for 2, and furthermore win every tournament you enter and become champion golfer of all Ireland ?
The golfer said "You're on".
The leprechaun said "There's one condition. You have to remain celibate."
The golfer agreed. Twelve months later the golfer was playing the same hole at Killarney when he again heard the voice.
"Tell me" said the Leprechaun, "Did everything happen as I predicted."
"Yes" said the golfer. "and how to you find celibacy?" said the Leprechaun.
"As Parish Priest at Ballemena, I don't find it much trouble."
Mind your language
Then there was the caddie with a similarly embarrassing vocabulary and reputation. He'd been assigned to caddie for the local Anglican bishop and warned by the caddie master to say nothing unless spoken to. Things went well for a couple of holes. Then on the third the bishop's stroke was not quite clean.
"Where did that sod go, caddie?" asked the churchman looking to replace a divot he'd shifted.
"Into the bloody bunker," retorted the caddie who'd watched the ball, "and don't forget you started it."
Golf at Royal Nairobi
It takes real commitment to play on the Royal Nairobi course. It is bounded on three sides by a wildlife reserve, of which the denizens do not necessarily feel hesitant about grazing on greens or golfers, according to palate preferences.
The young Mormon missionary had great faith even as he sliced his tee shot into a pretty rugged area off the course. He knew he'd find his ball and he did between the forelegs of a huge and hungry lion.
As he fell quivering to his knees before the great beast the young man began to pray and to his astonishment the lion knelt also.
"Glory be to God," exclaimed the young evangelist, "a practising Christian lion."
"Rowrrl," roared the lion, "quiet while I'm saying grace!"
Who do you think you are
Jesus and Arnold Palmer were playing golf. It's Arnold's turn to tee off, and he does so. It's a long drive straight up the fairway, and he's about a five iron off the green. "Not bad," Jesus says. A Jesus step up to tee off, but His drive slices badly and lands on an island in the middle of a water hazard. Jesus calmly walks across the water to take his next shot.
"Jesus!" yells Palmer, "Who do you think you are, Jack Nicklaus?"
Why are these Americans good at golf
Did you know that O.J. Simpson, Monica Lewinsky, Ted Kennedy, and President Bill Clinton are all avid golfers?
O.J.'s a slicer, Monica's a hooker, Ted Kennedy can't drive over water, and Clinton can't seem to hit the right hole!
Arnold Palmer & Tiger Woods
Arnold Palmer and Tiger Woods are playing the 16th hole, when Tiger's tee shot lands behind a huge, 100 foot fir tree. Tiger looks at Arnie and says, "How would you play this one? Lay up and take the extra stroke?"
Arnold replies: "When I was your age, I'd just play right over this tree."
Tiger, not wanting to be shown up by ol' Arnold Palmer, proceeds to hit the ball high, but not high enough. It bounces off the tree and lands out of bounds. Tiger, really ticked at this point, asks Arnold how he EVER hit a ball over that tree.
Arnold replied: "Well, when I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall."
Stevie Wonder & Jack Nicklaus
Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says, "How is the singing career going?"
Stevie Wonder says, "Not too bad, the latest album has gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it is pretty good. By the way how is the golf."
Nicklaus replies: "Not too bad, I am not winning as much as I used to but I'm still making a bit of money. I have some problems with my swing but I think I've got that right now."
"I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be all right," says Stevie.
"You play golf!?" asks Jack.
Stevie says, "Yes, I have been playing for years."
"But I thought you were blind; how can you play golf if you are blind?" Jack asks.
"I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice," explains Stevie.
"But how do you putt?" Nicklaus wondered.
"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice."
Nicklaus says, "What is your handicap?"
"Well, I play off scratch," Stevie assures Jack. Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime."
Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole."
Nicklaus thinks it over and says, "OK, I'm up for that. When would you like to play?"
"I don't care - any night next week is OK with me."
Tiger Woods in Nepal
Tiger Woods, in need of a well-earned rest, flew off to Nepal. But like any golfer on holiday, he had of course to try the local links - a mountainous course situated high in the Himalayas. The club was delighted to welcome him but desolated that they couldn't provide a caddie as the Sherpas who usually attended were on an Everest expedition. However, they assured him they could provide a yak who would serve very well instead. "Sahib Woods," assured the secretary, "this animal is of inestimable value but you have to watch out for him as he does like to sit on golf balls. It is, however, no problem as you have merely to reach under him and remove the ball. The yak will then continue on with the caddieing." Forewarned and only slightly perturbed, Tiger set out. Over the first eight holes he had only had to remove the ball from beneath the sitting yak twice. Then on the ninth hole he had to drive the ball blind over a rocky outcrop. The yak took off after it and Tiger followed the yak. He caught up with it beyond the rocks. It was sitting in a water hazard - right up to its neck. Tiger stripped off and dived in the icy water to rescue his ball. He groped around under the yak but could not feel it at all. He surfaced, took another deep breath and tried again. Still nothing. Almost frozen, he tried again but with the same result. Finally he gave up and frozen to the bone made his way back to the clubhouse. "Hey fella, what's going on?" He explained to the secretary how he had dived three times for his ball but that the yak refused to move. He told the man how he couldn't find his ball and was almost frozen to death in the process. "And" he went on " that bloody yak is still sitting out there in the water hazard" "Oh a thousand apologies". The secretary was very apologetic, "I forgot to tell you. The yak also likes to sit on fish"
A country club didn't allow women on the golf course. Eventually, there was enough pressure that they decided to allow women on the course during the week.
The ladies were satisfied with this arrangement, formed a women's club, and became active. After about 6 months, the club board received a letter from the women's club complaining about the men urinating on the golf course. Naturally, they just ignored the matter. After another 6 months, they received another letter reminding them of the previous letter and demanding action. After due deliberation they sent the women a letter advising them that they had been granted equal privileges!
The misdirected shot
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his "pain."
"Please allow me to help, I am a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" She told him earnestly. "Ummph, oooh, nnnoo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
The woman takes it upon herself to begin to "ease his pain". She began to massage his groin.
After a few moments she asked, "does that feel better?" The man looked up at her and replied, "yes, that feels pretty good ... but my thumb still hurts like hell!"
Left or right handed
Four guys who worked together always golfed as a group at 7 a.m. Sunday. But one of them got transferred, and they were talking about trying to fill out the foursome.
A woman standing near the tee said, "Hey, I like to golf, can I join the group?"
They were hesitant but said she could come once to try it. She said "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or quarter to seven."
She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up setting a course record with a 7-under-par round. The guys went nuts and everyone in the clubhouse congratulated her. Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round. The guys happily invited her back the next week and she said "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or quarter to 7."
Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed, and matched her 7-under par score of the previous week. By now the guys were totally amazed, and they asked her to join the group for keeps.
They had a beer after their round, and one of the guys asked her, "how do you know if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
She said "That's easy. Before I leave for the golf course, I pull the covers off my husband, who sleeps in the nude. If his member is pointing to the right, I golf right-handed; if it's pointed to the left, I golf left-handed."
A guy asked "what if it's pointed straight up?"
She said "Then I'll be here at nine o'clock."
A hole behind
A man went to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business meeting. When he arrived at his Motel, he found he had a lot of time before the meeting so he got the directions for a nearby golf course from the clerk.
While playing on the front nine, he thought over his impending speech and became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained the situation and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th."
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?"
She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."
"No I wouldn't."
"Well if you must know", she answered, "I sell sanitary towels."
She said, "See I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at" he replied, "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you!"
A scratch golfer
Two women were put together as partners in the club tournament and met on the putting green for the first time.
After introductions, the first golfer asked, "What’s your handicap?"
"Oh, I’m a scratch golfer," the other replied.
"Really!" exclaimed the first woman, suitably impressed that she was paired up with her.
"Yes, I write down all my good scores and scratch out the bad ones!"
What is a rider ?
A foursome of ladies came back after a round of golf. At the 19th hole in the Clubhouse, the Pro asked them "How did your game go?"
The first said she had a good round with 25 riders. The second said she did OK with 16 riders. The third said not too bad since I had 10 riders. The fourth was disappointed and said that she played badly with only two riders.
The Pro was confounded by this term "rider" but not wanting to show his ignorance just smiled and wish them better golf the next time. He then approached Jerry the bartender and asked "Jerry, can you tell me what does this term 'riders' mean?" Jerry smiled and explained that a "rider" is when you have hit a shot long enough to take a ride on a golf cart.
The visiting relative
An elderly lady from a remote interior village went to one of the most fashionable suburbs to visit her niece and husband. Nearby was a very well known golf course.
On the second afternoon of her visit, the elderly lady went for a stroll. Upon her return, the young niece asked, "Well, Auntie, did you enjoy yourself?"
"Oh, yes, indeed," said Auntie, beaming. "Before I had walked very far, I came to some beautiful rolling fields. There seemed to be a number of people about, mostly men. Some of them kept shouting at me in a very eccentric manner, but I took no notice. There were four men who followed me for some time, uttering curious excited barking sounds. Naturally, I ignored them, too. Oh, by the way," she added, as she held out her hands, "I found a number of these curious little round white balls, so I picked them all up and brought them home hoping you could explain what they're all about."
Red faced lady golfer
The lady golfer was a determined, if not very proficient player. At each swipe she made at the ball earth flew in all directions.
"Gracious me," she exclaimed red-faced to her caddie, "the worms will think there's an earthquake."
"I don't know," replied the caddie, "the worms round here are very clever. I'll bet most of them are hiding underneath the ball for safety."
Wife & Mistress
I'll go and ask if we can go through," said Max to Jerry. The two golfers had been concerned for some time at the snail-like progress of two women, originally some holes ahead and now just in front of them on the ninth fairway. Max returned after only a few paces towards the ladies.
"Jerry, this is very embarrassing, but would you mind going. That's my wife up ahead and she's playing with my mistress."
Jerry returned having got no further forward than Max. "I say," he said, "what a coincidence."
What's my handicap
He was a smooth operator, and at the club's annual dance he attached himself to the prettiest lady golfer in the room and was boasting to her.
"You know, they're all afraid to play me. What do you think my handicap is?"
"Well, where do you want me to start ?" came the quick response.
Stung by a bee
A group of golfers were approaching the first tee when they noticed a woman being given first aid. One of the golfers asked what had happened and he was informed that the woman had been stung by a bee and was having a reaction.
"Where was she bit?" he asked. "Between the first and second hole." was the reply.
He then replied, "Wow! She must have been standing right over the hive."
Play it as it lays
Bill and Ralph, both of equal ability, decide to have a round together and "play it as it lays" on all shots. Both hit their tee shots on the par-5 No.1 hole down the middle and about 260. They drive up for the second shot, and the Bill hits his shot down the middle for an easy approach. But Ralph slices his over the trees and it ends up in the cart path of the adjoining hole.
"Guess I get a free drop from the cart path," he says. "Oh no," says Bill, "We agreed. Play it as it lays." So Ralph drives Bill up to his ball in front of the green, drops him off and drives over to his ball on the cart path. Bill watches in amusement as sparks shower down from the practice swings of his opponent, then, in amazement as a perfectly struck shot lands on the green and roles to within 3 ft. of the pin. Ralph drives back to the green.
Bill says, "Great shot back there! What club did you use?" Ralph responds, "Your six iron."
He's a liar
A group of golfers was searching for one of their golf balls out in the deep rough. After several minutes of laboring, the golfer who sliced his ball out into the trash declares he has found his ball, inciting another in his group to scream out
"He is a damn liar! I have his ball in my pocket!"
You don't get a shot here
A businessman was attending a Conference in Africa. He had a free day and wanted to play a round of Golf. He asked whether there was any course in the vicinity and was directed to one in the jungle.
After a short journey, he arrived at the Course and advised the Pro that he wanted to play 18 holes.
"Sure," said the Pro, "What's your Handicap?"
"Well, it's 16," said the Businessman, "But I don't see the relevance since I shall be playing alone."
"No, it's very important for us to know," said the Pro.
The Pro then called a Caddie.
"Go out with this Gentleman," said the Pro, "his handicap is 16."
The businessman was very surprised at this constant reference to his handicap. However, he paid it no more attention. The Caddie picked up the businessman's bag and a large Rifle which he slung over his shoulder. Again the businessman was surprised but decided to ask no questions.
They arrived on the 1st Hole, a Par 4.
"Please avoid those trees on the left," said the Caddie.
Needless to say, the businessman duck hooked his ball into the trees. He found his ball and was about to punch it out when he heard the loud crack of the rifle and a large snake fell dead from a tree above his head. The caddie stood next to him with the rifle smoking in his hand.
"That's the most poisonous snake in all Africa," said the caddie, "you're lucky I was here with you."
After taking a bogey on the hole, they moved to the 2nd, a Par 5. "Avoid those bushes on the right," says the caddie.
Of course, the businessman's ball went slicing away into the bushes. As he went to pick up his ball, he heard the loud crack of the caddie's rifle once more and a huge lion fell dead at his feet. "I've saved your life again," said the caddie.
The 3rd hole was a Par 3 with a lake in front of the Green. The businessman's ball came up just short of the green and rolled back to the edge of the water. He had a shot. However, he had to place one foot into the lake to be able to play. As he was about to chip the ball on to the green, a large crocodile emerged from the water and bit off his right leg. As he fell to the ground, he saw the caddie with the rifle propped at his side looking on unconcernedly.
"Why didn't you shoot it?" writhed the man in pain.
"I'm sorry, Sir," said the caddie, "this is Stroke Hole 17, you don't get a shot here."
Use old golf balls
Ralph goes for a quick round of golf, and at the first tee, Bill is about to tee off in front of him. Bill takes a brand new ball out of his bag, unwraps it and places it on the tee and slices into the trees.
"Damn!" He reaches into his bag and takes out another brand new ball, unwraps it, and tees it up. Thwack! He then hooks it miles into the bushes.
"Damn!" He stomps back to his bag for another ball, when Ralph approaches him. "Err, excuse me, but I notice you're losing a lot of brand new balls. Why don't you use an old one?" Bill looks at Ralph.
"Cos I've never bloody had one!"
A compatible gentleman
Four men, well along in years, had played golf as a foursome every Sunday morning, until one of them passed away. The other three asked the club pro if he could find them a compatible gentleman to fill out the foursome again. "No problem," answered the pro.
"But, you have to understand," one of the guys, named George, explained, "that Moe, who died, was like our eyes. We're all getting some cataracts, and have trouble seeing the ball. Moe's eyesight was perfect, and he was our spotter."
The pro promised to see what he could do, and, when the others returned the following Sunday, he introduced them to a truly ancient looking gentleman, named Gary.
"How old are you?" George asked.
"I'm ninety-four," Gary responded.
"Fabulous," said George. "But how's your eyesight?"
At this, Gary blew up. "Don't insult my eyes," he yelled. "I may be old, but I've got 20-20 vision. I have eyes like an eagle. Don't insult me!"
"Okay, okay," the others said. "Let's play golf."
George was first on the tee, and he hit a long, low drive, that faded significantly after about 200 yards. He turned to Gary.
"Did you see where it went?" he asked the ancient one.
"Did I see where it went? I told you not to insult my eyesight. Of course, I saw where it went. I've got eyes like an eagle!" Gary yelled.
"Okay, I'm sorry," said George. "Where did it go?"
Gary dropped his head, and muttered, "I forgot."
"I play golf in the low eighties," the old man was telling one of the youngsters at his club.
"Wow," said the young man, "that's pretty impressive."
"Not really," said the old man, "Any hotter and I'd probably have a stroke."
A quick nine holes
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.
Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone.
Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
He really is good
Dick brings a friend to play golf with 2 of is buddies to complete a foursome. His buddies ask him if is friend can play gol,f Dick says that he is very good.
This guy hits the ball on the first hole in the bush, so his buddies look at him and said you said your friend was a good golfer, Dick says yes he is watch him play. They see the ball come out of the bush on the green this guy takes 2 putts makes is par.
Second hole par 3 this guy hits the ball in the lake, the 2 buddies looks at Dick again and say "you said this guy was good" Dick replies that this guy was a great player.
So he walks in the the lake, 3 minutes later and they can't see the guy. All of a sudden they see a hand come out of the water, they tell Dick to dive in the lake to go get your friend, he's drowning, Dick replies "No, that means he wants a 5 iron".
Not scoring well this year
Two long time golf enthusiasts were discussing their scores over a beer in the clubhouse.
"I can't understand it", one said disgustingly. "I've been playing this darn game for fifteen years now and I get worse and worse every year. Do you know last year I played worse than the year before, and the year before that, the same thing"
"That's depressing" commiserated the other, "How are you doing this year?"
"Put it this way", said the first unhappily, "I'm already playing next years game!"
If only I'd hit it
At the Glenelg seaside course in South Australia a novice managed a mighty drive off the first tee. It hit, and bounced off in rapid succession, a rock outcrop, a fisherman, a tree trunk, the handle of a golf cart, a player on the second tee and finally it dropped onto the green about ten centimetres from the hole.
"Well," the player exclaimed, "if only I'd hit the bloody ball a bit harder!"
Help him find it
Fred and Harry were playing their usual weekend match on the links at Royal Sydney and were annoyed by an unusually slow twosome in front of them. One of them was seen to be mooching around on the fairway while the other was searching distractedly in the rough.
"Hey," shouted Fred, "why don't you help your friend find his bloody ball?"
"He's got his bloody ball," came the reply. "It's his bloody club he's looking for."
Late tee off
"Your late teeing off, Fred"
"Yup, well being Sunday I had to toss a coin to see if I should go to church or to play golf"
But next week...
As he was walking his dog one weekday afternoon, Fred, the bookie the punters loved to hate, espied a young lad upon the local links. Fred stopped for a moment to watch him tee off and stayed for longer when he saw that the boy had talent.
Indeed he had holed his tee shot. He was about to call out his congratulations when the lad teed up again and once more holed in one.
Now Fred, never one to let an opportunity pass, walked up to the youngster, congratulated him and asked: "How old are you, lad?"
"Eleven, sir," the young person replied.
"Anyone else here seen you play?" Fred enquired.
Having received the assurance that no one had, Fred proposed a match the very next day with the club champion lined up against the young tyro.
The odds were handsome - 10 to 1 against the new young player.
The lad, however, took 11 at the first hole and went on around the course in much the same way. Of course he lost badly. Fred was furious.
"You've made me look a right fool my lad. What's the idea of pretending you can't play?"
"Listen, dope," the youngster whispered, "next week you'll get 100 to 1."
I have to give up golf
I'm going to have to give up golf," Fred sadly advised the club secretary. "I've become so nearsighted I keep losing balls and if I play with glasses they keep falling off."
"Listen, don't give up;" the secretary replied. "What about teaming up with old Harry Jones." "But he's in his 80s and can only just make it around the course."
"Yes, yes, he's old, but he's also farsighted and he'll be able to see where you've hit your ball. It's a way to stay on playing."
The next day Fred and old Harry played their first game together. Fred teed off first and his powerful swing took the ball sailing up the fairway.
"Did you see it?" he asked Harry. "Yes," the old-timer answered.
"Where did it go?" "I forget!" came the reply.
The rich novice
He was rolling in it. Made his money in scrap metal after the war and on retirement he had almost everything he wanted including time to enjoy himself - even time to take up golf. He bought the best of everything he needed. Great clubs, shoes, sweaters as worn by the professionals, the lot, and he attacked his first game with gusto.
Behind him he left fairways looking like they'd been ploughed and greens looking like moles had surfaced in their hundreds. There were broken flag pins, clubs and mangled balls left in his wake, along with beercans, fag butts and a littering of discarded score cards. His score was 285 which he celebrated over a steak and a pint.
"Excuse me, sir," a discreet voice interrupted his mastication. "I'm the convenor of the Greens Committee."
The novice looked around, his face filled with indignation. "You're just the bloke I want to see. These brussels sprouts are cold!"
Kiwi visiting Ireland
Then there was the New Zealander holidaying in Ireland and trying out Limerick's public course, famed for its difficulty. Driving from thick woods on the twelfth, he aimed for the fairway but as he could not see it yelled "Fore!" and swiped. His ball struck a local player.
"Arrah, ye great mullock," cried the Irishman, as the Kiwi emerged in pursuit of his ball.
"But I called, `Fore' and that's the signal to get out of the way."
"Well, when of call, 'Foive,' that's the signal to punch your jaw! Foive!"
A little liquid refreshment
A little liquid refreshment at the nineteenth is of course all part of the game but the two Scots enthusiasts had partaken of nothing else but the national beverage throughout a long lunch break. They returned to the links and played five holes before collecting themselves and their thoughts together.
"How do we stand, mon?" Jock asked. "I dinnae ken, Jock," Sandy spoke very carefully. "I'd say it was just a miracle."
Could have been worse
Hey, George, did you hear the awful news about John?" The two golfers were talking over a drink in the club bar.
"No what happened to him.'"
"Well he had a great round on Wednesday - under seventy I heard - anyway he finished early and drove home, and found his wife in bed with another man! No questions asked... he just shot 'em both! Isn't it terrible?"
"Could have been worse," George commented.
"If he'd finished early on Tuesday, he would have shot me!"
I'm hoping to do better
What's your golf score?" the country club interviewer asked the prospective new member.
"Well, not so good," replied the golfer. "It's 69."
"Hey, that's not bad. In fact, it's very good."
"Glad you think so. I'm hoping to do even better on the next hole," the golfer confided.
He's a liar (2)
Sid and Barney head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes. Sid says to Barney, "Let's say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day." Barney agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Barney is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.
"Help me find my ball; you look over there," he says to Sid. After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. "I've found my ball!" he announces triumphantly.
Sid looks at him forlornly, "After all the years we've been friends, you'd cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?"
"What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!"
"And a liar, too!" Sid says with amazement. "I'll have you know I've been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!"
I'll sue you
A golfer is ready to tee off, when a golfer in the adjacent fairway hits him square in the face with his golf ball. "Idiot! Your ball hit me in the eye! I'll sue you for five million dollars!"
The other golfer replied, "I said 'fore'!"
The first golfer then said, "I'll take it!"
Aren't you giving up
Can ye see your way to letting me have a golf ball, lock?" Ian asked his old friend.
"But Ian, you said you were going to stop playing golf," said lock reluctantly handing over an old spare.
"By degrees, lock. By degrees," replied Ian pocketing the ball. "I've stopped buying balls as a first step."
Hole in one....
A group of golfers were putting on the green when, all suddenly a ball dropped in their midst. One of the party winked at the others and shoved the ball into the hole with his foot. Seconds later a very fat player puffed on to the green quite out of breath and red of face. He looked round distractedly and then asked: "Seen my ball?"
"Yeah, it went in the hole," the joker answered with straight-faced alacrity. The fat one looked at him unbelievingly. Then he walked to the hole, looked in, reached down and picked up his ball. His astonishment was plain to see. Then he turned, ran down the fairway and as he neared his partner the group on the green heard him shout: "Hey, Sam, I got an eleven."
An attack of grippe
An attack of grippe laid Snavely low just before his usual weekend game. He rested for a couple of weeks and looked forward to being back on the links. But just as he was about to play again, the grippe returned. His regular opponent was miffed and grumbled at the other end of the telephone.
"Why can't you play this time, Snavely?" he wanted to know.
"Let me put it this way," said the sufferer sadly. "My trouble is an overlapping grippe."
Golf at Monte Carlo
The Monte Carlo golf course is famed for its glorious position high in the hills behind the town - a place of lush beauty and tranquillity unless your game is off. Charlie's game was !
Not one of his shots went right. At the eighteenth hole he made a last swipe at the ball, missed completely, and tore up about a metre of turf. He then strolled disgustedly from the tee and looked down to the blue Mediterranean. Sailing boats were to be seen gliding about hundreds of metres below.
"How," demanded Charlie, "how can anyone be expected to shoot a decent game with those infernal ships rushing back and forth."
Would it be cheating
Two golfers, slicing their drives into the rough, went in search of the balls. They searched for a long time without success while a dear old lady watched them with a kind and sympathetic expression.
At last, after the search had proceeded for half an hour, she addressed them sweetly.
"I hope I'm not interrupting, gentlemen," she said, "but would it be cheating if I told you where they are.'"
How many strokes
How many strokes d'ye have, laddie?" the Scot asked his guest after the first hole.
"I took six. Ma hole"
They played the second hole and once again he asked: "How many strokes?"
"Oh no sir!" said the guest. "It's my turn to ask."
The deaf mute golfer
A deaf mute steps up to tee off on the first hole of a golf course, when a large burly guy yells "Hey You!, Nobody tees off ahead of Big Ralph". Being deaf the poor guy continues to prepare for his shot, so Ralph runs up thinking the deaf mute is being obstinate, and knocks the poor guy to the ground, kicks his ball away, and prepares for his own shot. After Ralph has hit the ball and proceeded down the fairway after it, the mute gets up brushes himself off, waits a moment, and again prepares his shot.
The deaf mute then hits a beautiful shot straight up the middle of the fairway, striking big Ralph in the back of the head, and knocking him unconscious. The mute then walks down the fairway rolls big Ralph and holds up four fingers in front of Ralph's face.
This man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned." The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies that he used the "F-word" over the weekend.
The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language."
The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue.
Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church.
The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?"
The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees."
The priest said, "And that's when you swore."
The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree."
The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?"
The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away."
The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?"
The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole."
The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed the fucking putt!!!"
A foursome is waiting at the men's tee when another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee. The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it, hacks it another ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically,
"I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn't help." One of the men immediately replies, "No, you see that's your problem. You should have been taking golf lessons instead."
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a round of golf and their wives went along as caddies. Whilst walking around the course the Englishman's wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground with her skirt over her head, revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers! The Englishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress. "Well darling, " she explained "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice, usually no one notices." With that the Englishman thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a tenner, go to Mark's and Spencer's and get some knickers.
Two holes further on the Irishman's wife caught her foot on a mole hill, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground with her skirt over her head, revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers either! The Irishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her lack of nether garments. "Well darling," she explained "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice, usually no one notices."
With that the Irishman thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a fiver go to Woolworth's and get some knickers."
Three holes further on the Scotsman's wife caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground with her skirt over her head, revealing that she too wasn't wearing any knickers! The Scotsman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her inadequacy in the modesty department. "Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice, usually no one notices."
With that the Scotsman thrust his hand into his pocket and said "Here's a comb, at least you can tidy yourself up a bit!"
They think of everything
A man got a phone call from his wife at work one day and she asked him to stop at the store and pick up some groceries. Reminding her that this was his golf league night he said he would be happy to go to the store after playing his round of golf.
After playing golf, he stopped at the store and picked up 2 bags full of groceries. He then proceeded to walk out of the grocery store to his Rolls Royce. Upon reaching his Rolls Royce he found it difficult to reach into his pocket to pull his keys out to open his trunk because his arms were full with two bags of groceries.
He saw a beautiful women walking nearby and he asked her, "Could you please do me a favour?" "Sure," she replied. He went on to say, "I can't reach into my pocket and get my car keys out to open my trunk and put my groceries away." "Do you think you could reach into my pocket and pull my car keys out?" "No problem," she replied.
When she pulled the keys out, two golf tees also were pulled out as well and fell to the ground. She bent over and picked them up. Looking at the golf tees in the palm of her hand, somewhat quizzically she asked the man, "Gee, what are these for?" He replied, "Oh, those are to keep my balls in the air while I'm driving." To which she commented, "Boy, those Rolls Royce people think of everything."
Considering my impediment...
A blonde is standing by the first tee waiting for her golf lesson from the resident professional. A foursome is in process of teeing off. The first golfer addresses the ball and swings, hitting it 230 yards straight down the middle of the fairway.
"That was a good shot," said the blonde. "Not bad considering my impediment," said the golfer. "What do you mean?" said the blonde. "I have a glass eye," said the golfer. "I don't believe you, show me," said the blonde. He popped his eye out and showed her.
The next golfer addresses the ball and swings, hitting it 240 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. "That was a good shot," said the blonde. "Not bad considering my impediment," said the golfer. "What's wrong with you?" said the blonde. "I have a prosthetic arm," said the golfer. "I don't believe you, show me" said the blonde, so he screwed his arm off and showed her.
The next golfer addresses the ball and swings, hitting it 250 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. "That was a good shot," said the blonde. "Not bad considering my impediment," said the golfer. "What's wrong with you?" said the blonde. "I have a prosthetic leg," said the golfer. "I don't believe you, show me" said the blonde, so he screwed his leg off and showed her.
The fourth golfer addresses the ball and swings, hitting it 280 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. "That was a wonderful shot," said the blonde. "Not bad considering my impediment," said the golfer. "What's wrong with you?" said the blonde. "I have an artificial heart," said the golfer. "I don't believe you, show me" said the blonde.
"I can't show you out here in the open," said the golfer. "Come around here behind the Pro-Shop." As they had not returned within five minutes, his golfing mates decided to go and see what was holding them up.
As they turned the corner behind the Pro-Shop, sure enough, there he was, screwing his heart out.
Only once a week
Maurie was not having a good day on the golf course. After he missed a twelve inch putt, his partner asked him what the problem was.
"It's the wife" said Maurie. "As you know, she's taken up golf, and since she's been playing, she's cut my sex down to once a week."
"Well you should think yourself lucky," said his partner. "She's cut some of us out altogether!"
I'm a hooker
A couple met at Hilton Head and fell in love. They were discussing how they would continue the relationship after their vacations were over.
"It's only fair to warn you Jody." he said. "I'm a golf nut. I live, eat, sleep and breathe golf."
"Well, since you're being honest, so will I." Jody said. "I'm a hooker."
"I see." he said. Then brightening, he smiled. "It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
The wrong tees
A fellow has a week off and decides to play a round of golf every day. First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round and soon catches up to the person in front. He sees that this is a woman and, as he catches up to her on a par 3, that, in fact, she's very attractive. He's interested and suggests that they play the rest of the round together. She agrees and a very close match ensues. She turns out also to be a very talented golfer and she wins their little competition on the last hole. He congratulates her in the parking lot then offers to give her a lift when he sees she doesn't have a car. All in all it's been a highly enjoyable morning.
On the way to her place, she thanks him for the morning's company and competition and says she hasn't enjoyed herself so much on the course for a long time. "In fact," she says, "I'd like you to pull over so I can show you how much I appreciated everything." He pulls over, they kiss and she gives him the best oral sex he's ever had.
The next morning he spies her at the first tee and suggests they play together again. He's actually quite competitive and slightly peeved that she beat him the previous day. Again they have a magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and playing a tight, competitive round of golf. Again she pips him at the last, again he drives her home and again she shows her appreciation.
This goes on all week, with her beating him narrowly every day. This is a sore point for his male ego but, nevertheless, in the car home from their Friday afternoon round, he tells her that he has had such a fine week that he has a surprise planned: dinner for two at a fancy candle-lit restaurant followed by a night of passion in the penthouse apartment of a posh hotel. Surprisingly, she bursts into tears and says she can't agree to this.
He can't work out what the fuss is about but eventually she admits the reason. "You see," she tearfully sobs, "I'm a transvestite." He is aghast. He swerves violently off the road, pulls the car to a screeching halt and curses madly, overcome with emotion. "I'm sorry," she repeats. "You bastard," he screams, red in the face, "You cheating bastard. You've been playing off the red tees all week!!"
Par for this hole
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate
their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession
to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one other guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods the golfer?"
"Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they get done, the
husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" says the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry. I was going to call room service and get some
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his
wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
"What are you doing?" she says.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."
The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife
one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to
the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"
No free lift
A man and lady golfer were betting and by the end of the first nine, it was obvious that the lady was no match for the man. Going into the second nine, the lady doubled the bet which the man agreed . At the end of eighteen holes the lady had lost both rounds. By then, it was getting dark and the lady suggested that they play a few more holes to judge her game. Obligingly, the man agreed. After teeing off, it was obvious that play would have to be halted due to the darkness. The man suggested that they walk back to the clubhouse for a drink and also to settle the bet which he had won.
Being a lousy loser, the lady decided to have one last bet. Looking around, she noticed that there was nobody on the course. "Look" said the lady to the man. "We will have the last bet of the day with an additional of 100 dollars bonus if either of us should win." Being the winner, he did not want to be called a coward and so he agreed. "Let's see who will pee the furthest." Both agreed.
The lady took off her pants and her knickers, squatted down and began. The man took the measurement and it measured a putter's length. After the lady finished dressing, the man began to unzip and with his right hand took out his prick to start.
At this juncture, the lady said, "No free lift!"
Mind your language
An Australian touring round Britain was playing on a small course in Devonshire. He was on the first green and about to putt when he was suddenly beset by a flock of seagulls.
"Piss off, will ya'," he cried, thrashing at the birds.
A sweet little old lady who was sitting knitting near the green came over to speak to him.
"Excuse me," she said. "There's no need to speak to the little birdies like that. All you need to say is `Shoo shoo little birdies!' Then they'll piss off."
I might be late
Frank joined a threesome; and as he'd had a very successful day he was invited back the next day for a game at 8 a.m.
"Look fellers, I'd sure like to play," said Frank, "but I could be ten minutes late!"
Next morning he showed up right on time, played another lovely round but this time he played every stroke left-handed. Again, he was invited to join the threesome at 8 a.m. the following day.
"Sure, I'll be here," said Frank, "but remember I could be late, but it will only be ten minutes!"
"We'll wait," one of the golfers assured him. "But by the way, could you explain something that's been mystifying us all. Yesterday you played right-handed and today you played left-handed. Obviously you're proficient at both so how do you decided which way to play.'
"Ah well," Frank answered, "when I wake up in the morning, if my wife's lying on her right side, I play right-handed and if she's lying on her left side, I play left-handed. Simple as that."
"But what if she's lying on her back?"
"That's when I'm ten minutes late!"
Hold it like you would...
A woman is learning how to golf. She has been teaching herself to play for more than three months and she is really bad. She decides to consult a golf pro.
When she sees the golf pro, she explains how bad she is and he tells her to go ahead and hit the ball. She does. The ball goes about 50 yards into the brush slicing to the right. The golf pro says to the woman, "I can see that you have a lot of problems. Your stance is bad, your head is all over the place, and the worst thing is that grip."
When she asks what can be done to fix the situation, he suggests, "Grab the club gently, as if you were grabbing your husbands penis. When the feeling is right, go ahead and swing." She does just that and the ball goes off the tee perfectly straight for about 275 yards.
The golf pro says to the woman, "That is unbelievable, I didn't think you would do that well. But now on to the next problem. How do we get that golf club out of your mouth?"
It still hurts
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist: Please allow me to help.
I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me she told him earnestly.
Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes, he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him: How does that feel? To which he replied: It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell.
A businessman travelled to Japan to meet and play golf with a few Japanese business associates. Having nothing to do the night before his game, he decided to solicit the services of a prostitute.
Later, when they were in the throes of passion, she suddenly screamed out "Kawasaki!" Not knowing the translation, he figured it meant he was performing exceptionally well, and so he kept going.
Again she screamed, "Kawasaki! Kawasaki!" And again, he smiled proudly at this congratulation and continued.
Finally, she shrieked "KAWASAKI!" a third time, jumped out of bed and ran from the room. "Must have been too good for her!" he thought to himself, and went to sleep contented with himself.
The next day, while in the middle of his round of golf, one of his Japanese associates hit a perfect 6-iron off the tee right into the cup for a hole-in-one! Remembering his new word and wanting to impress his associates with his linguistic proficiency, the man yelled out Kawasaki!"
Perplexed, the Japanese golfer turned to him and asked, "What do you mean, wrong hole?"
Cost of a round of golf
It was a Sunday morning and four good buddies were at the first tee. Number one said, "This golf game is costing me dinner for my wife tonight."
Number two said, "That's nothing, I had to agree to my wife's parents spending the weekend with us."
"Ha!" said number three, "I had to give my old lady the credit card to go shopping."
Number four said "Boy are you guys ever screwed up. I woke up this morning and the wife asked what I was planning. I replied 'Golf course or intercourse?' She said, 'Take a sweater' and went back to sleep."
£50 for a ticket ?
Tickets for the British Open are hard to get and the touts have a field day. One keen spectator was offered a ticket for £50. "That's absurd," the enthusiast declared. "Why, I could get a woman for that!"
"True sir, but with this ticket you get eighteen holes!"
Paddy was playing golf at a very exclusive club in County Kerry for the first time, and on the sixth hole he hit a hole in one. Jubilant, he walked down to the green and, just as he was taking his ball from the cup, up popped a leprechaun.
"Sor," the leprechaun bowed politely and continued. "This is a very exclusive course which has everything, including the services of a leprechaun if you make a hole in one in the sixth hole. I will be delighted to grant you any wish your heart desires."
"Saints preserve us," said Paddy in shock. But seeing the leprechaun waiting so patiently he thought for a minute then admitted shyly that he did have a wish.
"I want to have a longer penis," he confided. "Your wish is granted, Sor," the leprechaun said and disappeared in a puff of green smoke down the hole.
So Paddy headed back to join up with his friends and as he walked he could feel his penis slowly growing. The golf game progressed and Paddy's penis kept getting longer and longer until it came out beneath his shorts and reached down below his knees.
"Hmmmm," Paddy thought, "maybe this wasn't such a great idea after all." So he left his friends and went back to the sixth hole with a bucket of balls and began to shoot. Finally he hit a hole in one, and by the time he got down to the green, he had to hold his penis to keep it from dragging on the ground. But he managed to take the ball from the cup and sure enough, out popped the leprechaun.
"Sor, this is a very exclusive course," said the leprechaun bowing once again, "and it has everything including the services of a leprechaun . . . oh it's you again.
Well what will it be this time?"
"Could you make my legs longer?" pleaded Paddy.
The club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a $100 bet on the side. "But," said the duffer, "since you're obviously much better than I, to even it a bit you have to spot me two 'gotchas'."
The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it. And off they went. Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100.
"What happened?" asked one of the members.
"Well," said the pro, "I was teeing up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, that jerk stuck his hand between my legs and grabbed my balls, then yelled 'Gotcha!' Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?"
A guy out on the golf course takes a high-speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance' is still a virgin in every way."
The doc said, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them. She says, "You'll be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."
He whips down his pants and says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"
The sailor and a priest were playing golf. The sailor was not very good at it, and uttered a loud "F***, missed!" each time he missed.
The priest tolerated him for a few minutes and couldn't take it anymore. "Do not swear thus, my friend, or God will punish you."
It didn't make a difference; the sailor continued unabated. One stroke after another, the sailor played badly, and followed up with "F***, missed!"
Again, the priest said, "Do not utter such profanities, or God will show you a sign." It didn't help, and the next stroke missed was followed by a loud "F***, missed!"
A bolt of lightning dropped out of the clouds and struck the priest dead. A voice was heard in the clouds: "F***, missed!"
My wife said to me, "Frank, it's about time that you learned to play golf - You know, golf. That's the game where you chase a ball all over the country when you are too old to chase women."
So, I went to see Red Miller and asked him if he would teach me how to play. He said, "Sure, you've got balls, haven't you?" I said, "Yes, but sometimes on cold mornings they're kinda hard to find." "Bring them to the clubhouse tomorrow." he said, "And we will tee off." "What's tea off?" I asked. He said, "It's a golf term and we have to tee off in front of the clubhouse." "Not at a bar somewhere?"
"No, no," he said. "A tee is a little thing about the size of your little finger." "Yeah, I've got one of those." "Well," he said, "You stick it in the ground and put your ball on top of it." I asked, "Do you play golf sitting down? I always thought you stood up and walked around." "You do." he said. "You're standing up when you put your ball on the tee."
Well, folks, I thought that was stretching things a little too far, and I said so. He said "You've got a bag haven't you?" "Sure," I said. He said, "Your balls are in it, aren't they?" "Of course." I told him. Well, he said, "Can't you open the bag and take one out?" I said, "I suppose I could, but damned if I was going to." He asked if I didn't have a zipper on my bag, but I told him, "No, I'm the old fashioned type."
Then he asked me if I knew how to hold my club. Well, after fifty years I should have some sort of an idea, and I told him so. He said, "You take your club in both hands." I knew right then he didn't know what he was talking about. Then he said, "You swing it over your shoulder." "No, no, that's not me. That's my brother you're thinking about." He asked me, "How do you hold your club?" I said, "With two fingers."
He said that wasn't right and got behind me, put both arms around me, and told me to bend over and he would show me how. He couldn't catch me there, because I didn't put four years in the Navy for nothing. He said you hit the ball with your club and it will soar and soar, I said I could well imagine.
Then, he said, "And when you're on the green..." "What's the green?" I asked. "No, then you take your putter? "What's the putter?" I asked. "That's the smallest club made," he said. "That's what I've got, a putter." "With it," he said, "you put your ball in the hole." I corrected him, "You mean the putter?" He said, "No, the ball. The hole isn't big enough for the ball and the putter." Well, I've seen holes big enough for a horse and wagon.
Then he said, "After you make the first hole, you go on to the next 17." He wasn't talking to me. After two holes, I'm shot to hell. "You mean," he said, "You can't make 18 holes in one day?" "Hell no. It takes me 18 days to make one hole and besides, how do I know when I'm in the 18 hole?" He said, "The flag would go up."
That would be just my luck.
Copyright © 2012 SAC Golf Section. Certain images reproduced with permission of AS