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New, innovative, web site lowers barriers, cuts handicaps, increases libido, solves world hunger, banishes global warming

Meudon la Forêt, March 1, 2003: -- The Standard Athletic Club Golf Section today announced that it was taking a giant step for mankind by launching an entirely new concept in intrusive consumer promotions.

"This web site has been entirely developed using the latest in bio-magnetic ink technologies," explains Hytec Luddyte, technical director. "One look at the site and the valued visitor is quite literally unable to leave because of this inherent attraction built into our content."

"This site is convincing proof of our commitment to our simple goal of solving world hunger while simultaneously lowering all barriers, eliminating handicaps and wrapping the world in love," raved Nutias A Fruitcake, in charge of marketing operations for the new site.

Lower barriers

A lot of our members are vertically challenged,  so it is absolutely essential that barriers be lowered, because that were so many that couldn't be seen over, let alone climbed over. Our web site offers a unique program of personal counselling and a confidential "Size Doesn't Matter" training video (available in discrete brown paper packaging for entirely anonymous distribution through the post "so your Neighbours Need Never kNow"(tm)). Thus, using these aids together with their own little step-ladders, our minuscule members are absolutely capable of looking at all but the very tallest in the navel on an equal footing.

Cutting handicaps

What better proof that this site really works that to take the case of Iain McJones (not his real name). Iain McJones was once a child. Then he grew up. Then he became a child again with a thirteen handicap. "I want to play with the big boys," he screamed to his Mummy. Mummy indulged this fine, wonderful, talented human being and child, and said "Yes, dear. Go and play scratch a couple of times, and come back when you've finished." And so he did. And the rest is history. And all of this before this site was fully developed. Just imaging what his handicap would now be if only poor Iain had had the benefit of all the bio-magnetic power of this site behind him!

Increased libido

It is a proven fact that visiting this wholesome site only five minutes every day for 45 days leads to a massive 67.8% increase in libido (or your money back). According to Hytec Luddyte this effect is due to "the truly amazing properties of our bio-magnetic ink."

For best results the user should approach his or her forehead to within 1 inch / 3 cm of the screen, without actually touching, unless a silk scarf is used as a protection. "The reason is simple," explains Hytec. "If the screen gets in the slightest bit greasy, it just wont work. One might just as well do it by hand."

Solving word hunger 

"It's amazing that nobody has ever thought of this before, but if everyone just just ate their four meals a day, including at least 5 servings of fruit or vegetables, they wouldn't be hungry any more, thus eliminating world hunger completely," enthused Emma K Razee, visiting professor of nutrition for the SAC Cyberweb project and Nobel nominee.

Facilitates walking on water

Properly applied using the instructions available on the subscription portion of the Cyberweb site, bio-magnetic ink radically changes the surface tension of the foot-water interface enabling the skilled practitioner to achieve walking speeds across the roughest water of up to 4.8 miles per hour. "We are working on a formulation that will allow people to hop across water at high speed too," said senior scientist John O'Cobblers.

Yes, bio-magnetic ink can really make a difference to people's lives. We invite users to obtain a free sample by loging onto the Cyberweb web site and experience for themselves first-hand the miraculous benefits of bio-magnetism.

Notes for Editors

Statements of support for the SAC cyberweb project  

"It's very good and very interesting."
Monica Redtree, deputy warden of Chavenay Open Prison

"Great idea, I use it everyday and twice on Thursdays."
Jas Saintli, Author and broadcaster, 'Closet Cryptomania and its effect on contemporary cybernetics and dance'

About the SAC

The SAC was founded by a bunch of British "businessmen" in the dying days of the British Empire and of the 19th Century, whichever came first. Famous throughout  subsequent history for the quality of its fine sports- and surgical underwear (notably for the nearly eponymous Standard Athletic Comforter), generations of genuine and pseudo athletes have practised sports both mentionable and unmentionable in the leafy glades of the forest of Meudon. Under pressure from local dignitaries and sensitive mothers, members of the SAC were asked to relocate some of their worst and most unsavoury pastimes, such as belabouring baby white balls with sticks, into faraway forests such that in the Vexin Français, where together with other likeminded characters they could indulge themselves to their heart's content far from the gaze of little children and the Municipal Police. 


Copyright © 2012 SAC Golf Section. Certain images reproduced with permission of AS Villarceaux.
Last changed : 09/11/12 01:13