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Golf Jokes

At dawn the telephone rings.
"Hello, Señor Jones? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Si Señor, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Jones that your parrot died."
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Señor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird... What did he die from?"
"From eating horse meat, Señor Jones."
"Horse meat? Who the hell fed him horse meat?"
"Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Señor Jones."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Si, Señor Jones, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Señor"
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the hell?!.... Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of some stupid candle?!"
"Si , Señor Jones."
"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Señor Jones."
"WHAT **** FUNERAL?!"
"Your wife's, Señor Jones... She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a burglar. So I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."

LONG SILENCE.............

"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deeper doodoo than you can possibly imagine..."

Creative Solutions to Snowy Saturday Blues

Bill and Bob met at the club for their weekly golf game. And for the
third week in a row, there was too much snow on the ground to play.
*Bill:* Well, Bob, what do you want to do now?
*Bob:* Darts?
*Bill:* Nah.
*Bob:* Shoot some pool?
*Bill:* Nah.
*Bob:* Cards?
*Bill:* Nah. Hey, I've got an idea. We can go over to my house and
fool around with my wife.
*Bob:* Whadaya mean?
*Bill:* Just what I said. We'll go to my house and we can fool around
with my wife.
*Bob:* What about me?
*Bill:* She's a sport. She won't mind at all.
*Bob:* Well... if you think it's okay...
*Bill:* Sure. C'mon, let's go!
<at Bill's house>
*Bill:* Honey, I'm home. Honey. SWEETHEART! Damn! She musta gone
shopping. Tell ya what, Bob. Let's go to YOUR house!

(Top)

Top Ten Caddie Putdowns
(Thanks to David RFW Edwards)

#10 Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddie: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

#9 Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddie: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

#8 Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddie: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

#7 Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddie: "Eventually."

#6 Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddie in the world."
Caddie: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

#5 Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddie: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

#4 Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddie: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

#3 Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddie: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

#2 Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddie: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

and the #1 caddie comment:

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddie: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

Immovable obstruction

There was a man who enjoyed playing golf, and could occasionally put up with taking in a round with his wife. One time (with his wife along) he was having an extremely bad round. On the 12th hole, he sliced a drive over by a grounds-keepers' shack. Although he did not have a clear shot to the green, his wife noticed that there were two doors on the shack, and there was a possibility that, if both doors were opened, he might be able to hit through.
Without hesitation, he instructed his wife to go around to the other side and open the far door. Sure enough, this gave him a clear path to the green. He stepped up to his ball and prepared to hit. His wife had been standing by the far door, waiting for him to hit through. After a moment, she became curious and stuck her head in the doorway to see what he was doing. At that exact moment, the husband cracked a three-wood that hit his wife square on the forehead, killing her instantly.
A few weeks later, the man was playing a round at the same course, this time with a friend of his. Once again on the 12th hole, he sliced his drive to the shack. His friend noticed that he may be able to hit through, if he was to open both doors.
"Nah", replied the man, "Last time I did that I took a 7."

Legacy

A wife asks her husband, "If I died, would you marry again?"
"I would!"
"And would you let her come into my house?"
"I would!"
"Would she be working in my kitchen?"
"She would!"
"Would she sleep in my bed?"
"She would!"
"Would she put her clothes in my press?"
"She would!"
"Would she have my Renault 4?"
"She would!"
"Would she use my golf clubs?"
"DEFINITELY NOT!"
"Why?"
"She's left-handed!"

Anniversary

Yes, and there's the one about the party of golfers who notice a funeral passing by on a road adjacent to the course. One golfer suggests to the others, "Why don't we pause a moment and show some respect for the dead." So they remove their caps and stand in silence as car after car goes by.
Finally, one of them remarks, "There sure are a lot of cars. That person must have been well loved." The first golfer replies, "Yes, we would have been married 25 years tomorrow."

Golf course

A German, Englishman and American are travelling on a train. They get bored and start telling each other about their families.
The German says “I have 4 kids, one more and they'll make a basketball team.”
The Englishman says “Huh! That's nothing I have 10 boys, one more and I'll be the world-champion soccer-team's coach.”
The American starts laughing. He says “I've had 17 wives and no kids!! But one more wife and I'll open a golf course!”

Lesson 1: the Grip

A "golf widow" concedes that if she is ever to see her husband she needs to learn the game. So she goes to the country club and signs up for lessons with the golf pro. They get out to the course and the pro instructs her to hold the club as she would her husband's organ. She hits the ball and the pro exclaims "Beautiful!! Great shot, right down the center of the fairway! Now, take the club out of your mouth and we'll go for distance."

Lesson 2: the Stance

Beverly had decided that she would learn to play golf, so she signed up for and took lessons. After six months of diligent effort she was ready to play eighteen holes with three of her friends.
Out on the course she was stung by a bee. Fearing an allergic reaction she hurried back to the clubhouse to find the pro.
“I've been stung by a bee! What shall I do?”
“Where were you stung?”
“Between the first and second hole!”
“Beverly, we need to work on your stance...”

The golf course

There was a man who had been stranded on a desert island for the last twenty years, when all of a sudden a beautiful girl steps up from the sea, wearing a wet suit.
She: "Would you like a cigarette?"
He: "Sure." (He takes one from the wet-suit, light it, and smokes it.)
She: "Would you like a martini?"
He: "Sure." (He gets the very special 007 shaken, not stirred, martini from her wet suit.)
Then she says, with a gleam in her eye: "Would you like to play around?"
He: "I don't believe that you've got a set of golf clubs in there!"

The Golf Course

A Scotsman was shipwrecked and finally washed ashore on a small island. As he regains consciousness on the beach he sees a beautiful naked nymphette standing over him. She asks, "Would you like some food?"
The Scot hoarsely croaks, "Och, lassie, I havna' ittin a bite in a week noo, and I am verra hungry!"
She disappears into the woods and quickly comes back with a heaving helping of haggis. When he has wolfed it down, she asks, "Would you like something to drink?"
"Och, aye! That haggis has made me verra thurrsty and I wuid verra much like a drink!"
She goes off into the woods again and returns with a bottle of 75 year old single-malt Scotch whiskey! The Scotsman is beginning to think that he's in heaven when the unclad nymphet leans closer and says, "Would you like to play around?"
"Och, lassie, don't tell me you'se got a golf course here too!"

Rubs of the green

Jesus and Arnold Palmer were playing golf. It's Arnold's turn to tee off, and he does so. It's a long drive straight up the fairway, and he's about a seven iron off the green. "Not bad," Jesus says. So He steps up to tee off, and his too is a straight drive up the fairway, but a little short.
Just as the ball comes to a stop, a gopher pops out of its hole, grabs the ball in its mouth and starts to run up the fairway. Before it can even get ten feet, an eagle swoops down out of the heavens and grabs the gopher in its mouth and flies off towards the green. Just as the trio gets above the hole, a lightning bolt strikes out of a cloudless sky and vaporizes both the eagle and the gopher. The ball drops straight down into the hole for a hole in one.
[a]
Arnold Palmer turns to Jesus and says, "Are you going to play golf or are you going to fool around?"
*OR*
[b]
After the gopher and the eagle disappeared and the ball went in, Jesus looked up and said: “Father please...I'd rather do it myself!”

The hell of it

There was this man who died and appeared before St. Peter at the Holy Gates. St. Peter checks out his books and discovers that there is a problem. He says that there is no clear answer in the books on where the man is supposed to go, Heaven or Hell. He suggests that the man go to Hell and check it out, so that he may make the decision himself. If he didn't like what he saw there, he could come back to Heaven.
Well, this man had only one true vice while he was alive. It seems he had an uncontrollable desire to play golf at any opportunity. He had traveled the world playing all the famous golf courses.
When the man arrived in Hell, Satan welcomed him, but he too was surprised at the man's situation. He had assumed that since the question about the man's ultimate destination wasn't clear, the man would go to Heaven. The man could just see behind Satan a Most Beautiful Golf Course. It had beautiful trees, blue ponds, water separating the fairways, everything. The man fell in love with at at first site, and he couldn't control himself. He just had to play a round. The devil showed him a wonderful electric golf cart, a perfect leather bag, a matched set of clubs. Satan reached into his pocket and presented the man with a Golden Tee. The devil then said that only members could play. The man couldn't control himself. He just had to play there.
He goes back up to Heaven and tells St. Peter that he has decided to stay in Hell so he could play on the Beautiful Golf Course there.
When the man returns to Hell, he approaches Satan and asks for a tee time. The devil says that anytime at all, the man could play. No one else uses the course. Chuckling with glee, the man approaches the first tee. He gets out of his beautiful golf cart, reaches for his perfectly matched clubs and selects his driver, reaches into his pants pocket and pulls out his Golden Tee, then frantically searches everywhere for a ball. Satan comes up and the man asks him for a ball.
"That's the Hell of it," says Satan.

The lesson

It seems there was this priest who just LOVED to golf, but he had been very busy for many months and had not been able to get away to go golfing. Well, one Sunday morning he woke up and felt he just HAD to go golfing. The weather was just beautiful.
He called up the Bishop and claimed he had a really bad case of laryngitis and couldn't preach, so the Bishop told him to rest for several days. He then got out his clubs and headed off for the golf course.
He set up at the first hole, making sure no one was there to see him playing hookey, and blasted the ball with his wood. It was a beautiful shot! It went straight and true. It bounced, and bounced (right up onto the green) and rolled its way closer... and closer... a hole-in-one!! The priest jumped up and down in his excitement, praising the Lord and shouting hallelujahs!
He struts off to the green, collects his ball, and tees off at the second hole, repeating his performance on the first hole, much to his astounded delight.
All this time St. Peter and God have been watching him from the gates of heaven. St. Peter has finally seen enough to pique his curiosity. "Lord," he says, "this priest seems to be a real trouble maker. He ignored his congregation and even LIED to go golfing. And now you reward him with a hole-in-one! Why?"
God smiles and looks over at St. Peter and says, "I'm punishing him." St. Peter looks very confused and asks God for an explanation. God replies, "Well, after he finishes his game by himself, who can he tell his story to?"

Confession

A man went to Confession and said to the priest, "Forgive me, Father. I used the F-word this week."
"Ah, my son. Tell me the circumstances that caused you to use the F-word. After all, I can understand a person being provoke into using it."
"Well, I was golfing and I had just hit a beautiful tee-shot that sailed straight as an arrow for 280 yards, but then suddenly sliced into the woods."
"That is when you used the F-word. I can appreciate your frustration, my son, as I am a golfer myself."
"No, I stayed cool at that point, Father. I then hit a perfect shot out of the woods, but suddenly it landed in the sand trap."
"Now, I can understand you saying the F-word at that point."
"No, Father, I was calm even then. I got out my sand wedge and hit a perfect shot out of the trap right at the pin, but suddenly the ball stopped an inch from the cup."
"Ah, that is when you used the F-word. How frustrating!"
"No, Father, I was still cool."
"YOU MEAN YOU MISSED THE FUCKING PUTT?"

Magic ball

These two guys were approaching the first tee. The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, "Hey, why don't you try this ball." He draws a green golf ball out of his bag. "You can't lose it." His friend replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?!!"
The first man replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it."
Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced.
The friend says, "Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball?"
The man replies, "I found it."

Tricky dog

A man and his friend meet on the golf course and decide to finish off the round together. The friend has a little dog with him and on the next green, when the friend holes out with a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts yipping and stands up on its hind legs.
The Man is quite amazed at this clever trick of the dog's and says, "That dog is really talented! What does it do if you miss a putt?"
"Somersaults."
"Somersaults!!!! How many of them does it do??"
"Hmm. Well, it depends on how hard I kick it up the ass!"

Perfect partner

Jeb was an avid golfer his entire life. As he got into his sixties, his eyes started to fail him. He didn't want to give the game up, so he went to see the family eye doctor. The doctor said there wasn't much he could do, but he knew of a 97 year old man who still had perfect sight, could see like an eagle. The doctor gave Jeb the old man's name and suggested that Jeb could use him to watch where he hit his golf ball. Jeb, of course, didn't believe the doctor. The old guy was almost a century old, but could see like an eagle !!??
Well Jeb made arrangements to bring Wilbur golfing. On the first tee, Jeb drove his ball about 200 yards, but of course, he couldn't see where it went. He asks Wilbur, "Did you see my shot?" To which Wilbur replied, "Sure did."
Jeb asked, "Where did it go?"
To which Wilbur replied, "I forget!"

Priority on the course

A deaf mute steps up to tee off on the first hole of a golf course, when a large burly guy yells "Hey You!, Nobody tees off ahead of Big Joe". Being deaf the poor guy continues to prepare for his shot, so Joe runs up thinking the deaf mute is being obstinate, and knocks the poor guy to the ground, kicks his ball away, and prepares for his own shot. After Joe has hit the ball and proceeded down the fairway after it, the mute gets up brushes himself off, waits a moment, and again prepares his shot. The deaf mute then hits a beautiful shot straight up the middle of the fairway, striking big Joe in the back of the head, and knocking him unconscious. The mute then walks down the fairway rolls big Joe over, slaps him about the cheeks a couple of times, and just as Joe opens his eyes the deaf mute waves his hand with 4 fingers spread out in front of Joe's face.

Q&A

The worst golf player in history must have been Adolf Hitler.
He never got out of the bunker.

Blind chance

Two golfers, both several clubs short of a set in the brain department, are teeing off on a foggy par-3. They can see the flag, but not the green. The first golfer hits his ball into the fog and the second golfer does the same. They proceed to the green to find their balls. One ball is about 6 feet from the cup while the other found it's way into the cup for a hole-in-one. Both were playing the same type of balls, and couldn't determine which ball was which. So they put that result aside and after the round went to ask the pro's advice. After congratulating both on their fine shots, the golf pro asks, "Now which one of you was playing the yellow ball?"

Big Dick

Once there was an avid golfer named Dick who was playing golf at a very expensive, very exclusive golf course. On the eighth hole, he had the great good fortune to hit a hole-in-one. When he pulled the ball out of the hole, there was a whoosh and great gouts of smoke issued forth, to coalesce into a genie a few seconds later.
"Because this is such an expensive, exclusive golf course," the genie intoned, "the eighth hole has been equipped with a genie (me) who will grant players who hit a hole-in-one one wish."
The guy thought a few minutes, and said, "I wish my dick would grow longer."
"Done!" said the genie, and sank back into the hole.
The guy continued his game, but was distressed to find that his dick was growing but not stopping. By the tenth hole it had reached his knees, by the twelfth, his feet. Finally, he returned to the clubhouse and bought a bucket of golf balls, returned to the eighth hole, and started hitting balls from the green. Eventually, he hit another hole-in-one. He walked to the green, holding his penis (which was now so long it otherwise would have dragged on the ground), and retrieved his ball. The genie appeared as before.
"Because this is such an expensive, exclusive golf course," the genie intoned, "the eighth hole has been equipped with a genie (me) who will grant players who hit a hole-in-one one wish."
The guy immediately responded, "I wish my legs were a little longer."

The Amateur Rules of Golf

1. A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed in the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled in the rough. Such veering right or left frequently results from the friction between the face of the club and the cover of the ball, and the player should not be penalized for erratic behavior of the ball resulting from such uncontrollable mechanical phenomena.
2. A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific game. The player should estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree, and play the ball from there, preferably from atop a nice firm tuft of grass.
3. There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or near the course somewhere and eventually will be found and pocketed by someone else. It thus becomes a stolen ball, and the player should not compound the felony by charging himself with a penalty stroke.
4. In or near a bunker or sand trap, a ball rolling back toward the player may be hit again on the roll without counting an extra stroke, or strokes. In any case, no more than two strokes are to be counted in playing from a bunker, since it is reasonable to assume that if the player had time to concentrate on his shot instead of hurrying it so as not to delay the game of his playing partners, he would be out in two.
5. If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to maintain a position in the atmosphere without something to support it must drop. The law of gravity supersedes the law of golf.
6. Same thing goes for a ball that stops at the brink of the hole and hangs there defying gravity. You cannot defy the law.
7. Same thing goes for a ball that rims the cup. A ball should not go sideways. This violates the law of physics.
8. A putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as "you could blow it in" may be blown in. This rule does not apply if the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants to make a travesty of the game.
9. There is no penalty for a so-called "out of bounds" shot. If penny-pinching golf course owners bought sufficient land, this would not be a problem. The golfer deserves an apology, not a penalty.
10. There is no penalty for a ball in a water hazard. Golf balls should float. The fact that they do not is a technological problem that the manufacturers have not yet overcome. Again, the golfer should not be punished for someone else's shortcomings.
11. Advertisements constantly proclaim that golf scores can be markedly improved by purchasing the newest clubs, balls, shoes and other golfing accessories. Since this is financially impossible for the average golfer, 1/2 stroke per hole may be subtracted from the score for using old equipment.

PENANG Golf Club

1.    Ladies are prohibited from touching the gentlemen's balls either with hands or club.
2.    Players are requested to remain silent during the short strokes.
3.    All players with partners are requested to come together. When the lady partner comes first, the gentleman must not delay his strokes but continue playing.
4.    In cases where a long position is impossible, the players may so choose a new position.
5.    Players deciding on a new lay must start at least a club's length from the hole.
6.    Members are requested to stay out of any hole, showing signs of recent repair or undergoing monthly overhaul until the red flag has been lifted.
7.    All holes must be kept clean at all times.
8.    Members are also urged to use reasonable precautions at all times as the Management cannot be held responsible for balls lost in the bushes around the holes.

Booking hours (based on the five stages of age):
20 to 30 years:    It's once in the morning and once at night.
30 to 40 years:    He knocks off the morning and has it at night.
40 to 50 years:    It's now and then (anytime).
50 to 60 years:    God knows when.
60 to 70 years:    If he says he is still inclined, take no notice; he is out of his mind.
70 to 80 years:    If he can lift his club, go ahead.

The Rules of Bedroom Golf

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player on that course.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed mounds and bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players’ equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.
10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.
12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole.
13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.
14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner’s request.
15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

And the word of the Lord is...

One pleasant afternoon, a Priest and a Nun were out golfing. The father deferred to the Nun on the first hole, and she hit a nice ball towards the green. The Father tees up, then smacks the ball into the woods.
"GOD-DAMN IT!! #$*^&%$#%^@$# %#&^%&!$, I MISSED!" he cries.
"Father!" says the Nun, "You should watch your language. The Lord will not like it."
The second hole comes up. The father tees off, and the ball once again goes sailing into the woods.
"GOD-DAMN IT!! #$*^&^%$#%^@$# %#&^%&!$, I MISSED!" he cries.
"Father!" says the Nun, "Watch what you say! It is Blasphemy!"
Third hole. Once more the father tees up. Once more the ball sails wide, this time landing in the water trap.
"GOD-DAMN IT!! #$*^&^%$#%^@$# %#&^%&!$, I MISSED!" he cries.
As the Nun starts to speak, a great bolt of lightning sails down from the sky and strikes the Nun, reducing her to ash.
From the sky comes a booming voice:
"GOD-DAMN IT!! #$*^&^%$#%^@$# %#&^%&!$, I MISSED!"

Keeping one's eye on the ball

A golfer returning to the club house after the worst round of golf of his life, requested that his caddie give him his ball.
Upon receiving the ball, he threw it into the lake. The golfer then requested the caddie give him his clubs. The caddie asked what he was planning on doing with the clubs and the golfer replied he was throwing them in the lake, which he did.
The golfer then start walking toward the lake and the caddie asked what he intended. The golfer said he was going to drowned himself, to which the caddie replied, "You can't do that, you can't keep you head down long enough!"

Perfection doesn't come easy

I was out golfing the other day. The only good ball I hit was when I accidentally stepped on the rake!

Exhortation

What are three words frequently heard on a golf course, but never in a whorehouse?
Bite, you cocksucker!

Practice makes perfect

A golfer is having a bad time of it, his game is getting worse and worse. Soon he's so bad that he's embarrassed to be seen playing. He decides that he'll practice early in the morning so that nobody sees him and hopes to get better again fairly soon.
On the first morning he's quite nervous but he tees up the ball on the first tee and gives it a smack. The ball slices viciously and flies over the golf club fence. The golfer hears one bounce and nothing. He's so depressed he packs his stuff up and goes home.
The next day he decides to persevere and tee's up early again. Again he slices the ball over the fence but this time the ball narrowly misses a man walking his dog. The golfer rushes over to the man apologizing as he goes.
"You were here and did the same thing yesterday weren't you?" the man asks the golfer.
"Yeah, I seem to have a problem with golf right now." the golfer answers.
"Did you see where yesterdays ball ended up?" the dog owner asks.
"No," says the golfer.
"Oh it bounced off a lamp-post onto the main road. It caused a car to skid into a mother pushing a pram. Both the mother and baby were killed instantly."
"That's terrible," exclaims the golfer, "What do you think I should do?"
"You want to drop your left shoulder."

You remember George

A fellow comes home after golf one Sunday afternoon, falls asleep on the couch, and doesn't wake up until about 9 PM. His wife asks why he is so tired.
"Well, You remember George, my golfing buddy? He died today, on the fourth green."
"That's terrible", she says.
"It sure was," he said, "For the next 14 holes it was drive, drag George, chip, drag George, putt, drag George..."

Be prepared

Do you know why the golfer wore two pairs of pants?
In case he got a hole in one!

Swiftie

"I'm no good at golf. I know I'm going to hit another bad shot", Tom forewarned.

Getting out of trouble

Jim and Bob were golfing one fine day, when Jim, an avid golfer, slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. Jim takes his 8 iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine, in search of his lost ball. The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently for his errant ball. Suddenly Jim spots something shiny. As he nears the location of the shiny object, Jim realizes that it is an eight iron in the hands of a skeleton laying near an old golf ball. Jim excitedly calls for his partner Bob.
"Heh Bob, come here, I got trouble down here."
Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out to Jim, "Whats the matter Jim?"
Jim shouts back in a nervous voice, "Bring me my 7 iron. You can't get out of here with an 8."

Perfect partners

A couple has a whirlwind, 30 day romance and even though they don't know too much about each other, they decide to get married. After a couple weeks, the husband says, "Honey, I have something I have to tell you. I'm a golf fanatic and I must play every day."
"I also need to tell you something," she replies. "I'm a hooker, and I need to do it every day."
"That's OK," he said, "we'll just play dog leg lefts."

Any way you slice it

A golfer goes on a Las Vegas vacation where he golfs all day then gambles all night. One night he's on a great winning streak when he takes a drink. Next thing he knows, he wakes up in a strange hotel room. He looks to his left and sees a woman he's never seen before. He looks right and sees a marriage certificate framed on the bedstand with his name on it (along with a name he doesn't know). Just then she starts to wake up.
He says to her: "I don't really remember last night, but did we get married?"
"Oh, yes" she responds, "It was so romantic"
He replies, "I believe in the sanctity of marriage and I willing to stand behind my commitment, but I should warn you, I'm a golfer and while you'll see me in the evenings, during the daylight hours I'll be out on the course"
She says, "I appreciate your honesty, so I should be honest too. I'm a hooker"
"That's okay, just line a bit more left and open up your clubface a bit..."

Club selection

Two guys were playing a cart game of golf and were all square on the 18th. The first guy sliced his waaayyyy off the the left, and the ball came to rest on the cart track. His opponent smashed it straight down the middle.
"Oh well," said the 1st player, "I should get a drop off there."
"Hell no," said his playing partner, "we play the ball as it lies."
"OK," said the first guy, as he dropped his opponent off in the middle of the fairway.
The second guy found the green, and could not resist smiling as he saw sparks coming off the cart path for the practice swings. Finally the guy hitting off the cart path addressed his ball and swung it well, leaving a miraculous shot 3 feet from the pin.
Upon returning, the guy in the middle of the fairway commented, "That was a great shot.... what club did you use???"
"Your 6 iron," was the reply.

Fair exchange

A golfer ran into an old buddy at the driving range one day. They talked about their games, their swings, and all manner of things.
Eventually, one of them said, "How's the family?"
The other replied, "Oh, pretty good. I got a new set of clubs for the wife the other day!"
"Hey, good trade!" replied the old buddy!

Priority on the course

The same foursome played every day at ten o'clock. They were known as the three-hour gang, always finished by 1pm so they could play gin all afternoon. One eventful day, they ran into a foursome ahead of them, playing incredibly slow. The guys in the three-hour gang waved and waved at each tee, but the group ahead never moved aside to let them through.
After a frustrating five and one-half hour round, the gang came into the men's bar fuming. The slow group was at a table across the room and the whole bar could hear the cussing coming from the gang. Finally, the waitress approached the gang and said, "You guys should lighten up. That group you're cussing out?....they can't see. They're blind golfers and I think it's great they can even play!"
The first player in the gang felt terrible and told the waitress, "You're right, tell you what, send them over a round of drinks on me!"
The second guy told the waitress to put the blind golfers' lunches on his tab. The third guy sent a caddie to the pro shop for four sleeves of balls to present to the blind golfers.
Everyone looked at the fourth guy. "Screw 'em", he grumbled, "Tell those idiots to play at night!"

Q&A

"Noticed any improvements in my game, caddie?"
"Shined your clubs?"

New ball

I recently was paired with a young man for an afternoon of golf. The first hole was a long par four with water to the right and a deep ravine to the left. The man takes out a brand new sleeve of balls, tees one up and immediately hits it into the water on the right. Undaunted, he pulls another ball from the sleeve and hits it into the ravine. He now takes the last ball from the sleeve and hits it into the water. He reaches into his bag and pulls out another brand new sleeve of balls.
"Why don't you hit an old ball?" I asked.
His response: "I've never had an old ball."

Copy the pros

One day a prospective member came to an exclusive country club and wanted to try out the course before he joined. When he asked about a caddie, the club pro told him all were taken. But they did have three experimental robot caddies that looked like R2D2 from Star Wars.
He explained that each would follow you on the course. It would carry everything, including an umbrella and drinks, it would track your shot, keep score and find your ball, estimate the club that you needed based on your previous shots, and would warn you of all hazards and obstacles ahead of you.
The prospective member agreed to try one, and went on to shoot the best round of his life. He came back, joined the club, and made a tee time for the next week. When he returned, he asked for the robot caddie, but was told they were no longer available.
Of course, he asked what happened. The pro told him that one day, the sun reflected off the shiny surface of the robot into the eyes of a bus driver, who ran off the road and had an accident in which several children were injured, so they couldn't send them out again.
Well," the new member said, "why don't you just dress them with some of those clothes left in the locker room all the time to cover up the shiny parts?"
"We tried that," the pro replied, "but one thought he was Paine Stewart and wouldn't caddie for anyone unless they were wearing knickers, one thought he was Fuzzy Zoeller and wanted to just tell everyone about himself and his career, and one thought he was Greg Norman -- he keeps humming the theme from Jaws and we can't get him out of the water hazard on number 7."

The 10 minute rule

When the up and coming Junior Executive joined this exclusive country club he posted his handicap as a "2". When the top 3 members saw this they invited him to play the following Sunday AM. "We've a 7:00AM Tee Time, can you make it"? "Sure," said the man, "But I might be 10 minutes late."
The next Sunday the JE showed up on time and proceeded to devastate the course, shooting even par. His fellow members were ecstatic and asked if the JE would mind playing next Sunday, same time. The JE again said "Sure, but I might be 10 minutes late." But he showed up on time and shot 2 under par, and... this time played left handed.
At the clubhouse over drinks, the astonished members asked: "You're an outstanding golfer!.. Last week you played right handed, creamed us!...this week played left handed and shot our lights out! What gives? and what's this 10 minute thing?"
"Oh that's easy... On days I'm playing golf if I wake up and my wife's lying on her right side, I play right handed, If she's lying on her left side, I play left handed, and if she's lying on her back, I'm usually 10 minutes late."

Odd ball better ball?

A man was playing golf on his own, but he played in a funny way. First, he hits the ball, then kicks the ball a few yards and so on.
Another man asks-"What are you doing?"
"Well, I'm playing foursome with my wife."

Vocabulary

Golfers are renowned for their colorful language, used not only after a bad shot, but also during ordinary conversation, to wit: a drive that skitters along the ground is called a "worm burner" or a "worm raper"; if the ball is hit hard enough to get reasonable distance, regardless of how ugly it is, fellow golfers will comfort the driver with the observation that "That baby's running like a sailor's dick."

All strokes count

Watching from the Club house overlooking the 10 green, we saw a foursome approaching. Having marked their balls, suddenly one of the guys fell down and the three others started a fist fight.
The Golf Captain stormed out from the Club house to separate the fighting men.
"Why the hell are you fighting?" he asked "You see," said one of them, "my partner had a stroke and died just now, and these buggers want to add it to our score!"

Divine inspiration

A preacher is playing his usual round at the Hardscrabble Muny G.C. when he arrives at the 14th tee. This hole is a 152 yard par three with a lake in the front of the green. This hole is also the preacher's nemesis no matter how well or how poorly he is playing.
Upon arriving at the tee, the preacher tees up his ball, gets ready to hit and, at the last minute, looks toward the heavens and says, "God, I have been a good and decent man. Please, just this once, let me hit a shot which will carry the lake and get onto the green."
As he is about to swing, a loud, deep voice booms from the heavens and says, "Use a new ball, they go further."
The preacher steps back, thinks about the heavenly advice and goes to his bag and gets a new Titleist ProV1. He takes his stance and the heavenly voice booms, "Take a practice swing first."
The preacher is now awestruck by the heavenly advice, steps back from the ball and takes a practice swing. As he takes his stance, the the heavenly voice booms out again, "Use the old ball."

Ultimatum

"Wife says she's leaving me if I don't give up golf."
"What are you going to do?"
"Miss her like hell."

Look Familiar?

Jack and Fred were being held up all day by two women in front of them. By the 12th hole they could stand it no longer.
Fred said, "I am going up there and tell those women off and let them know we want to go through."
When he got halfway to them he came running back and said, "That was a close call--one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress."
Jack said, "Well, I'll tell them."
He started up the hill, came running back and said, "It's a small world, isn't it!"

Clancy on the Green

by Dick Emmons
with apologies to Ernest Lawrence Thayer

The outlook wasn't happy
For the Duck Hook Club that day.
The cross-town match was even
With but one hole more to play.

Their champion was Clancy,
And in him they placed their trust.
But somehow Clancy now was tied;
The 18th was a must.

When Clancy strode up to the tee,
His visage was enough
To tell his fans they'd naught to fear ---
But Clancy found the rough.

Some Duck Hook patrons groaned aloud,
But, pluckily, the rest
Clung to the hope eternal
That springs in the human breast.

They knew that Clancy didn't fear
Tall grass or hidden lies;
They knew his booming second shot
Would sear the summer skies.

So when his dread opponent split
The fairway with his drive,
The faithful smiled. They know it would
Make Clancy come alive.

There was ease in Clancy's manner,
And a grin caressed his face.
There was nonchalance aplenty
As he stooped to tie a lace.

His takeaway was classic
And his downward stroke was true.
At impact, no one doubted
Mighty Clancy had come through.

Majestically the shot took wing,
And, with uncanny sense,
Flew flagward through the gentle air
As Clancy's foe went tense.

But then, a sudden gust of wind
Sprang up and caught the sphere,
And dropped it in a trap, from which
It did not reappear.

A roar of pure frustration sprang
From all the Duck Hook lungs,
But Clancy raised his hands and stilled
The venom on their tongues.

Then Clancy's foe, upon whose lips
A sneer was clearly seen,
Drew back his iron and coolly struck
The ball --- well past the green.

A gasp of passionate relief
Escaped the choking throats
Of those who'd feared they'd have to write
Large promissory notes.

But happiness is fleeting
In this cruel and callous world;
The flags of hoped-for victory
Must sometimes be refurled.

O heartless fate! The dreaded foe
Produced a pitch-and-run
The likes of which the Duck Hooks
Had seen precious few --- or none.

The loathsome ball rolled to the cup ---
Look in --- and all but dropped.
A chill swept through the Duck Hook clan.
Their breathing all but stopped.

The hopes of Duck Hook sank.
In fact, they could not be much sunker.
Could Clancy get it up and down
When buried in the bunker?

They watched as Clancy ground his feet
Into the powdered loam.
Some Duck Hook members closed their eyes,
And some wished they were home.

Then Clancy's wedge was flashing high,
Then downward digging in!
The pellet came to graceful rest
Just two feet from the pin!

Up from a gladdened multitude
Arose a joyous yell.
They heard it up in Heaven
And, doubtless, down in Hell!

The Duck Hook members went berserk,
With handshakes, hugs and kisses ---
For Clancy had a two-foot putt,
The kind he never misses!

There wasn't even any need,
They knew, to hold their breath.
One simple putt, and Clancy then
Would win in sudden death.

A beaming Clancy doffed his cap
To the euphoric sound,
Then calmly stroked his putt
To its appointment underground.

Oh, somewhere in this favored land
The sky is warm and sunny.
A band is playing somewhere,
And the world is milk and honey.

And somewhere men are laughing,
And women also --- but
There is no joy in Duck Hook.
Mighty Clancy missed the putt.

Memories

"You think so much of your old golf game that you don't even remember when we were married."
"Of course I do, my dear--it was the day I sank that thirty-foot putt."

Q&A

Q: Where can you find 100 doctors all at the same place on any given day?
A: "A golf course!"

Language lesson

The Italian had never played golf before and so he asked for some tips before starting the game. The American decided to teach the Italian the proper way to putt a golf ball.
The American said, "You take this stick and hit the balls so that they roll into the hole". The American putted away and sank the ball from 20 feet in a single stroke.
The Italian replied, "In America, you leave your sticka outta and a putta your balls in da hole, but in Italia, we put our sticka inna da hole and leave our balls out!"

Upon reflection

Four ladies were out on the golf course, when a naked man burst out of some bushes lining the fairway on the left and ran across in front of them. As the streaker crossed and disappeared into the rough on the right, one lady cried out "My golly, who was that? Was that Dick Green?"
Another answered, "I don't think so, I think it was just the reflection."

Keep equipment in good order

Two golfers were sitting at the 19th hole discussing their games this year when one says to the other, " My game is so bad this year I had to have my Ball Retriever RE-GRIPPED!"

Experience shows

Sally and Eric were in their hotel room on their wedding night preparing to consummate their marriage. Sally says, "I have one thing to tell you before we get in bed. I've had sex with one other man before I met you".
Eric thinks a minute and says, "No big deal--one other man's not a big problem".
Sally replies, "I think you ought to know that it was a famous man and that you'd probably recognize him".
"Who was it?" asks Eric.
Sally informs him that it was Ernie Els. Eric thinks for another minute and says, "I don't mind that at all. In fact, I think it's kind of neat."
Sally and Eric happily get into bed and have a pretty good session. Afterwards Eric gets out of bed and begins to put on his underwear.
"What are you doing?" asks Sally.
"I thought I'd get dressed and get some coffee," Eric answers.
Sally says, "Ernie wouldn't have done that."
"No?" says Eric, "what would Jack have done?"
"He'd have climbed back in bed with me and done it again", says Sally.
"All right!" says Eric, "let's go."
They have another pretty good session, a little longer this time. Eric wearily gets to his feet and begins to put on his underwear.
"What are you doing?" asks Sally.
"I thought I'd get dressed and get some coffee," Eric answers.
Sally says, "Ernie wouldn't have done that."
"No?" says Eric, "What would Ernie have done?"
"He'd have climbed back in bed with me and done it again," says Sally.
A somewhat beleaguered Eric climbs back into bed and this time a virtual marathon takes place. Eric crawls to his feet, braces himself on the bed, and raises 1 foot to his underwear.
"What are you doing?" asks Sally.
Eric answers, "I NEED to get coffee."
Sally says, "Ernie wouldn't have done that."
"No?" says Eric, "What would Jack have done now?!"
"He'd have climbed back in bed with me and done it again," says Sally. Eric makes his way to the nightstand and picks up the phone.
"Who are you calling?" Sally asks and Eric replies, "I'm calling Ernie to find out what par is on this hole."

Handicap

A man is on holiday in Africa and is driving along in his jeep, when he comes upon a golf course. Happening to have his clubs with him, he decides to ask about whether he can have a round. Upon inquiring, the pro tells him that it is quite all right, just so long as the man uses one of the local caddies. Having no problem with this, the man sets out accompanied by the caddie.
Everything is going OK until the 3rd fairway, when, all of a sudden, a lion runs out of the jungle towards the man. With this, the caddie suddenly pulls out a rifle and shoots the lion dead before it reaches the man.
"I can see now why I need you!" exclaimed the man to the caddie.
Carrying on, they approached the 10th tee, when, suddenly, a leopard bounded towards the man from the undergrowth. Thankfully, once again, the caddie pulled out his rifle and kills the animal. Thanking the caddie once again, they moved on.
Three holes later the man was about to play his putt on the 13th green when a crocodile came out of the greenside pond and promptly bit his leg off. Writhing around the floor in agony the man angrily asked his caddie why on earth he hadn't got his rifle out again, to which the caddie replied, "You don't get a shot on this hole, sir!"

Success

A regular foursome of some 25 years was playing their weekly round of golf. They had teed off number 1 and three of them were down the middle. However, Jack was in the woods. While Jack was searching for his ball, the others started discussing what their sons were doing.
The first fellow explained that his son was a stock broker doing quite well. In fact, he had just given his best friend a 1000 shares of Big Blue stock.
The second fellow continued and explained that his son had gotten into real estate. In fact, he was doing so good that he had just given his best friend a 1000 acre plantation in South Carolina.
The third gentleman concluded that his son had opened his own Classic Car business and that he had just given his best friend a Chevy '63 Corvette. About that time Jack came out of the woods with his ball. They explained that they had been telling each other what their sons were doing and asked if he would like to join in.
He looked down with a disgusted look on his face and said that his son had told him that he was gay! The others immediately turned away and tried to look as if nothing was wrong. Jack continued and said that it must not be all that bad because his best friends had given him a '63 Corvette, a 1000 acre plantation and 1000 shares of stock!

Q&A

Q: What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A: A bad golfer goes: WHACK..."Damn"! A bad skydiver goes: "Damn"!...WHACK.

Pro shop

I was closing up the shop last night when Mrs. Richards walked in.
Mrs. Richards: "Douglas and I had a really big fight and I need to get him a gift to say that I'm sorry"
Me: "Well, he was looking at this new graphite driver over here that he really wanted to buy."
Mrs. Richards: "No, I think I need to say I am a little sorrier than that!"
Me: "Well, I overheard him say to the other guys that he liked these $1500 graphite irons."
Mrs. Richards: "No, you just don't understand. I need something more than that!!"
Me: "Let me tell you what, I've got this 14kt gold plated putter over here that runs about $2500 dollars. It also has a place for an inscription."
Mrs. Richards: "Perfect!" "But what would I put on it???"
Me (jokingly):  "Maybe you could put on it "Never up, never in!"
Mrs. Richards bursts out laughing! "But that's exactly what we were fighting about!"

Teamwork

The first player in a two-ball foursome drove his tee shot to the edge of the green on a par three. His partner, managed to fluff his chip and sent the ball over the green into a bunker. Undaunted, the first pplayer recovers with a fine shot to within one foot of the hole. The second golfer putts nervously, misses  and sends the ball 3 feet past the hole, leaving the first a tricky one to hole out, which he does.
"Do you realize that we took five strokes on an easy par three?" says the first golfer.
"Yes, and and don't forget who took three of them!" answered his partner!

Have faith

Q: What should you do if your round of golf is interrupted by a lightning storm?
A: Walk around holding your 1-iron above your head, because even God can't hit a 1-iron! (after Lee Trevino)

Course layout

Four men were playing on the fourth hole and about to tee off when a young lady appeared and wandered across their fairway appearing very confused. The youngest man walked out on the fairway and asked if he could help her.
"Oh yes, I am playing this course for the first time and I can't find the fifth hole."
The young man said, "I am one hole behind you on the fourth hole and your tee is over there." She said thanks and headed to the fifth tee.
On the thirteenth hole the young lady once again wandered into the fairway. When the young man asked if he could help her she said she was lost again. He said, "I am one hole behind you and you should be playing the fourteenth hole." She said that he was right and he told her to proceed to the right to the tee and the fourteenth was a dog leg left. She thanked him once again and proceeded to the tee.
When the foursome entered the clubhouse they saw the young lady having a drink. The young man walked over and asked if she had a good round to which she replied she did. He then asked what she did and she said she was a gynecologist to which he replied, "Then I'm still one hole behind you--I'm a proctologist."

A punny thing happened today

There were three pieces of string sitting across the way from of an exclusive golf club, chatting about how much they wished they could play.
The first string gathered enough courage to enter the club house and approach the pro. "How much to play nine holes?" the string asked.
The pro pointed towards the door, "Out," he said, "We don't allow strings on the golf course."
The string went back to his friends and told them what had occurred. The second string gathered his wits and charged into the club house, "I'm playing golf today. My money's good, so issue me a cart and I'll be off."
"Out!" Shouted the pro, "We don't allow strings here. It's a private club and the members have made it clear - no strings." The string returned and explained all that had transpired.
The third string, being the smartest of the three, tied himself into a knot. "Now," he said, "shred my ends a bit." His friends did as he asked and he bounced into the club house. "I'm playing eighteen today," he announced. The pro glared at him a moment, but gave him a Tee time and a card. As the string handed his credit card, the pro asked:
"Are you a string by chance?"
"No, I'm a frayed knot!"

The hole truth

Tina warned George as he left early for the club "Don't be late home, we are due to leave for the Armstrong's party at six and we can't be late again" Well, George finished his game in plenty of time and was leisurely driving home when at the side of the road he saw a young pretty damsel in distress. Ever the gentleman he stopped to see if he could help. She had a blown tire which ultimately George was able to change.
"Thank you so much," said the young lady, "but you are now so dirty , would you care to come back to my apartment to clean up--I live just around the corner?"
George checked the time. It was only 2:30 and he was rather filthy so he thanked her and accepted. When he came out of the bathroom, the young lady, clad in "something more comfortable" offered George a glass of wine
"The least I could do," said she. One glass turned into another and finally the two ended up in bed!
George woke with a start, checked his watch & was horrified to see it was 5:45 . No way would he even be home by six. When he finally arrived home some 30 minutes later he was met by an irate Tina . George, who had never lapsed in his life, decided he could only apologize and proceeded to tell his wife the entire story, start to inevitable finish.
"You bloody liar," yelled Tina, "You played another nine holes!"

Have faith

The Pope met with the Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, leader of the Jewish nation.
"Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior by challenging you to a golf match."
The Pope was greatly disturbed as he had never held a golf club in his life.
"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "We'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres....we can't lose!"
Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match.
"I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.
"Second!?" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres!!??"
"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Palmer."

Wishful thinking

"I'd move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course," sighed Mac, the golfer.
"Try heaven," advised the caddie. "You've already moved most of the earth."

A work of genie

A couple went golfing one day at a very exclusive course lined with million dollar homes. On the third tee, the husband cautioned, "Honey, be careful when you drive. If we break one of those windows it'll cost us a fortune to repair". Of course, she teed off and promptly shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to watch out! Now we'll have to go up there and apologize and see how much that lousy drive is going to cost us." They walked up, knocked on the door, and a warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw glass all over the place and a broken antique bottle lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke the window?" "Uh yeah, we're sure sorry about that" the husband replied. "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself." "Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem", said the genie, "You've got it, it's the least I can do." "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world" she said. "Consider it done." the genie said. "And now," the couple both asked in unison, "What's your wish, genie?" "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife." The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?" She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering all that, I guess I wouldn't mind." The genie and the woman went upstairs where he ravished her for the rest of the afternoon. Both satisfied each other repeatedly, and afterwards, the genie rolled over and looked at the wife and asked, "How old are you and your husband?" "Why, we're both 35" she responded breathlessly. "No shit! Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

Bad vibes

Q: What's the SECOND worst sound on the golf course?
A: Your ball hitting a tree.
Q: What's the FIRST worst sound?
A: The voice of a woman!

The price of friendship

Two Scotsmen, Sandy and Angus, are playing golf one day and come upon a water hole. Sandy hits and drops it in the middle of the pond. He reaches into his bag and finds that he has no balls remaining. He asks Angus for a ball and promptly hits it in the pond. This goes on 3 or 4 more times and when he asks Angus for a 6th ball, Angus says, "Sandy, these balls cost me a lot of money," to which Sandy replies, "Angus lad, if you can't afford to play the game, you shouldn't be out here."

"The Perfect 10"

Your first golf shot of the day is never made to order.
Rarely down the middle, usually in the water.
Your second slices in the woods a place no man dare tread.
Your gutsy third comes whizzing back, almost takes off your head.
You chip your fourth back into play.
Your fifth lands in the beach.
Your sixth sprays sand but it's still there,
Your seventh just might reach.
Oh well, two putts for nine, it happens now and then.
Oh no! My ninth just rimmed the cup. Oh God!! I took a ten!

In the dumps

One mid-afternoon on a sunny day, a golfer teed up his ball. After a few practice swings, he steps up to his ball and gets ready to drive the first hole. Just before he swings, a woman in a wedding gown comes running up from the parking lot. She's got tears streaming down her face. Just as she reaches the raised tee, she screams out, "You bastard! I can't believe it! How could you leave me standing like that?"
The golfer calmly takes a swing and drives the ball straight down the fairway. He looks at the woman, as he puts his driver back in his bag and says, "Hey...I said 'Only if it's raining.'"

Definitions: Golf

A game in which the ball usually lies very poorly, but the player well.

Playing through

There was a hold up at the eleventh hole, but just as they were about to play off, a man rushed over from the the tenth green. "I beg your pardon, " he called, "But would you mind very much if I played through? I've just heard that my wife has been taken seriously ill."

The gorilla's tale

A conniving golfer decided one winter that he would train a gorilla to play golf. All winter long he trained the gorilla, and come spring was prepared to profit from it. He bets the local club pro $5000 dollars on a game of golf.
The pro tees off and drives 270 yards on the par 5; the gorilla take out his driver and slams the ball 500 yards to just feet from the hole. The pro throws in the towel, saying "No way I can beat this gorilla".
This goes on and the golfer profits handsomely from the gorilla, everybody giving up after that first 500 yard drive. Until the golfer and the gorilla meet up with Tiger Woods.
Tiger tees up and hits a 350 yard drive on the first par 5, the gorilla smacks a magnificent drive 500 yards to the green inches from the hole. Undaunted, Tiger then hits his next to within 15 feet of the hole, and makes the eagle.
The gorilla takes out his putter, and hits the ball 500 yards...

Man's best friend

An Englishman waiting to tee-off sees a funeral procession going by. It was a strange looking affair, the casket and the pall bearers were led by a man who had a dog by a leash and the rest of the people were walking in single file  behind the casket. Unable to resist his curiosity, he goes up to the man with the dog and asks "Excuse me for troubling you on such a sad occasion, but I have never seen such a strange funeral, what's with the dog and all the people walking behind?"
The man with the dog answers "This's my wife's funeral."
"But why the dog?" asks the Englishman.
"She died because this dog here bit her," said the man with the dog.
"Very sorry to hear that, would you mind if I borrow the dog for a while?"
"Sure!" says the man with the dog, "Get to the back of the line."

Takes one to know one

Two long time golfers were standing over looking the river. One golfer looked to the other and said, "Look at those idiots fishing in the rain."

Just think

Jim, an avid golfer, arrives at the gates of Heaven, where he is greeted by St. Peter.
"What do you like to do?" asks St Peter.
"I love to play golf", said Jim. "That's really what I like most of all"
St Peter says "Come on then, and we'll get you started."
On the first hole, Jim hits a perfect 260 yard drive, pitches onto the green, and makes his birdie. A par at the second, another birdie at the third. At the turn, Jim is four under.
"How often can I play?" he asks St Peter.
"As often as you like, and you never have to stop for food or drink, and there are more courses than you can ever play," St Peter replies.
Jim sits down and starts to cry. "What's the matter?", asks St Peter.
"Well," says Jim, "When I was down on Earth, my wife took great care of me, wouldn't let me smoke or drink, and watched my diet like a hawk. If it hadn't been for her, I could have been here 10 years ago!"

In loving memory

A man playing as a single at Pebble Beach was teamed with a twosome. After a few holes, the twosome finally asked why he was playing such a beautiful course by himself. He replied that he and his wife had played the course every year - for over 20 years - but this year she had passed away and he kept the tee time in her memory. The twosome commented that they thought certainly someone would have been willing to take her spot. "So did I," he said, "But they all wanted to go to the funeral."

The meaning of ritual

A rabbi and a priest go golfing with the club pro and his friend. Before the friend gets up to hit the ball, he crosses himself. With that the rabbi leans over to the priest to ask, "What does that mean?"
To which the priest replied, "Not a damn thing if he can't play!"

Oops!

A golfer is playing a round of golf with his buddies. On the sixth hole, a hole over water, he proceeds to flub nine balls into the water. Frustrated over his poor golfing ability, and about ready to hit somebody, he heaves his golf clubs into the water, and begins to walk off the course. Then all of a sudden he turns around and jumps back in the lake, his buddies apparently thinking he is going to retrieve his clubs. When he comes out of the water he doesn't have his clubs and begins to walk off the course. Then one of his buddies asks, “Why did you jump into the lake?” and he said “I left my car keys in the bag.”

Professional advice

I was playing at a nearby course which had caddies. My caddie was about 65 years old, halfway blind. We tee off on the first hole walk up to my ball and my Caddie says, "Oh Mr. Barnes Mr. Barnes Mr. Barnes, that was one of the finest shots I ever done see, did I mention that I caddied for Mr. Jack Nicklaus yesterday, and he hit the very same shot in the very same place as you."
I ask for my eight Iron, and hit it three inches from the pin, when we get there my caddie says "Oh, Mr. Barnes, Mr. Barnes, Mr. Barnes, that was one of the finest shots I ever done see, did I mention that I caddied for Mr. Jack Nicklaus yesterday and he hit the very same shot in the exact same spot as you did." I putt out and tee off on the second hole, and when we get to my drive, my caddie says "Oh Mr. Barnes Mr. Barnes Mr. Barnes, that was a fine shot if I ever done see one. Did I mention that I caddied for Mr. Jack Nicklaus yesterday and he hit his drive in the same spot as you." Then I say "What club did Jack hit here?" To this the caddie replied "Eight Iron", so I take my eight and hit it about fifteen yards short and then I ask "Where did Jack hit his eight Iron?" The caddie answered "About fifteen yards short."

Misdirection

The Pro at a very elite club was listening to yet another complaint about the newest member. He was always making atrocious bets with other members. It wasn't the betting that offended every one, it was the oddity of the bets and the behavior of the man. In fact, the member had just picked a caddie and was heading towards the first tee. The Pro decided to investigate the situation and grabbed his clubs.
He met the member in question, Joe, and asked to join him. Well, it didn't take long to discover the problem. On the first green Joe said, "If you make this putt, I'll bite my eyeball."
The Pro took a stern voice, "Sir, if you have been drinking too much, I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to leave."
Joe laughed, "I'll pay you fifty bucks on top of it."
The Pro had about a ten foot putt, so decided to put Joe in his place.
"I'll take your bet, but if you fail to pay up, in full, you'll double the money you pay me." The Pro sank his putt, and collected fifty dollars, "And your eye?"
Joe removed a glass eye and promptly bit it. Upset at being foiled, the Pro continued.
On the very next hole, he was in a sand trap, thirty feet off the green. Joe bellowed, "I'll bite my other eye if you can hit the green, and leave it on."
Well, the Pro knew Joe couldn't have two glass eyes and lured Joe in, "I can hit it, you know."
"Put another fifty on it!!" Joe answered.
"Same bet as before." The Pro sank his bet, collected another fifty and was ready to eject Joe when Joe removed his false teeth and bit his other eye. Furious, the Pro played on.
As expected, Joe made another offer. On the fourth green, the Pro had an uphill lie at about fifteen feet off. "Make that putt and I'll urinate into the cup from the cart. Well, the Pro saw the cart a good twenty yards away, and had him.
"From where the cart is now?"
"And not miss with one drop. And one hundred dollars to boot."
The Pro smiled, "Same rules apply." With caution, he sank his putt.
Joe handed him two hundred dollars, walked over to the cart, and got ready to fulfill the rest of his debt. Joe urinated all over the green, on the fairway, but no where even remotely close to the cup. Smiling, he handed the Pro another two hundred dollars. As Joe walked away, the Pro had to ask, "Why did you make that last be up one hundred free and clear, now you're down a hundred, are you sane?"
Joe winked at the Pro, and said, See him?" and pointed to his caddie, "I bet him a thousand dollars I could urinate on your green and you wouldn't get mad!"

Early tee time

The golfer went to the fortune teller with his one question:
"Are there golf courses in Heaven?"
Fortune Teller: "I have good news, and I have bad news..."
Golfer: "What's the good news?"
Fortune Teller: "The good news is that Heaven's golf courses are beautiful beyond anything you could imagine!"
Golfer: "How could there be any bad news with that?"
Fortune Teller: "You have a tee-time at 8:30 tomorrow morning."

Q&A

Q: What does a woman do with her asshole before sex?
A: She drops him off at the golf course!

It's called experience

A number of years after he retired, Sam Snead decided to play a round of golf with a young friend of his. As they were waiting in the tee box of the first hole, Sam's friend, who was rather large and strong, asked Sam's advice about the upcoming tee shot.
"Mr. Snead, do you think I can clear those tall pine trees over on the right?" Sam thought for a moment and replied, "When I was your age, I could clear those trees with no problem."
The young man, brimming with confidence, teed up his ball, took a few practice swings, and promptly whacked his ball right into the middle of the pine grove. He looked at Sam, stormed off, and disgustedly threw his driver back into the bag.
Sam coolly remarked, "When I was your age, those trees were only twenty feet tall."

Copyright © 2012 SAC Golf Section. Certain images reproduced with permission of AS Villarceaux.
Last changed : 09/11/12 01:13