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19th Hole

Raw rumours and unsubstantiated tittle-tattle

(See also Buried Burblings for past golfic musings and Technobabble for those geeky moments)

And so to warm the cockles of your hearts here is some light entertainment to illuminate your drab, wretched , winter lives (prior to being filed away in the world's greatest golf joke collection).


November 11th -- "The perfect golfing gift for him or her...."
For women, no more taking off your all to get your man.. For men, the perfect gift for the woman in your life: it'll make her really useful too, around the house, in the office, or in the great outdoors!

June 2nd -- "Play my ball would you? Take that!"

Natalie Carter, prosecuting, told Luton Crown Court, said: "Although golf is usually thought to be a relaxing pastime, on this day in September it was not."

Couldn't have put it better myself.

May 9th -- Q&A

Q - How did the pig get to New York?

A - The swine flew!

January 30th - Golfers 'play better when they don't think about it'

'nuff said really!

By the lack of burbling, this must be 2008

December -- GolfBag's battery is reconnected and he springs to life.

And so to warm the cockles of your hearts here is some light entertainment to illuminate your drab, wretched , winter lives (prior to being filed away in the world's greatest golf joke collection).

Existential Golf 101

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.

Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right.   The lowest score wins.
And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.

Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls.

If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.

Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.

The term "mulligan" is really a contraction of the phrase "maul it again."

A "gimme" can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers ...neither of whom can putt very well.

An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.

Golf's a hard game to figure.   One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.

If your best shots are the practice swing and the "gimme putt", you might wish to reconsider this game.

Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.

Golf is like marriage:  If you take yourself too seriously it won't work, and both are expensive.

The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.

David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex

#10... A below par performance is considered damn good.
#9... You  can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of  beers.
#8... It's much easier to find the sweet spot.  
#7... Foursomes are encouraged.
#6... You can  still make money doing it as a senior.
#5... Three times a  day is possible.
#4... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer  if you play with someone else.
#3... If you live in   Florida , you can do it almost every day.
#2... You don't  have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.

And the NUMBER ONE reason
why golf is better than sex.....

#1... When your equipment gets old you can replace it!

February - November -- nothing happens. Yawn.

January -- We begin with the 'Cully of the Day', miscellaneous musings from the blessèd Pat.

Four SAC players in the 'prime' of life were in the bar at Villarceaux after a typical round. They were a bit exhausted. A younger member asked, "Did you guys have a good game today? What are you having?"
The first fellow said, "Oh, I had three riders today."
The second said, "I had the most riders ever. I had five."
The third croaked, "I did OK, I had 7 riders, the same as last time."
The last wheezed, "I beat my old record. I had 12 riders today. Aren't you guys proud of me?"

After their drinks, and when they'd retired to the locker room, a local nymphette, who'd overheard the gents talking about their game, went to Younger member and said, "I have been playing golf here for simply ages (I have my Tee d'or, you know) and thought I knew all the terminology of the game... but prithee, young Sir, what on earth is a 'rider'?"

"Ah," replied Younger member (thinking to improving his score), "A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to get in the golf cart and ride to it."

October 1st -- A handy, self-help video in case Norman Thompson is not available:

Thanks, Malcolm, for this pointer to "The proper way to throw your club away" at http://tinyurl.com/yoxto9

Here beginneth 2007 that was

December 20th -- Again according to the Telegraph, here are the Top Ten (well twenty or more) worst Xmas Cracker Jokes.

November 13th -- According to the Daily Telegraph Online young golfers are starting to view their elders as leeches! Bloody cheek! Just because they're working so hard they can only play perhaps 20 times a year, while (we) oldies spend their lives on one (weather and health permitting)!

20th October -- The Great 2007 Matchplay Saga

 ... The Winners are ....
On form Sue Hall makes short work of Jill to take the 2007 Ladies Matchplay Trophy 4/3
James leads John Phillips a merry dance until the 18th, but John delivers the coups de grace at the 19th to become a worthy 2007 Men's Matchplay Champion

October - John Phillips takes out Ian Jones - takes on James in the final
14th Sept --  On form Jill too much for Celia - she now faces Sue for the championshipp
14th Sept --  On form Jill too much for Celia - she now faces Sue for the championship
8th Sept -- Great excitement: Ian beats Bruno, James sees off Andrew and takes his place in the final
1st Sept -- Sue dethrones reigning champ Julie
29th Aug -- Lèse majesté or what? Defending champ Julie  takes out President Pam
11th Aug -- Mme Forrest beats Mme Murphy in thrilling quarter-final
4th Aug --  James undoes Simon
28th June -- Celia books place in semi-final with victory over Joan
23rd June -- Sue closes out Ladies' Matchplay 1st round with victory over Joyce, while Ian sorts out John "I really needed a stroke a hole" G.
13th June -- Bruno wins two up - 1 up on Mary by getting through the 1st round, and 1 up on Malcolm, who's left languishing at the starting gate - again!
11th June -- Sad time for twins! Pam shatters Murielle's hopes of getting into the second round!
9th June -- Marie-France silences the doubters and overwhelms Mary to make it into the 2nd round - FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME!!
29th May -- exhausted by the weight of carrying home the Spring Cup (and coping with a lightning-struck home), Monica succumbs to Jill 5 and 3; Olivier showing favouritism perhaps?
 28th May - Underdog Simon digs deep to come up with a  match-winning, three-final-hole streak that leaves Dougie reflecting on what might have been.
Only 2 weeks to go for the rest of the first-round.

Results only a click away Ladies' - Men's

June 28th -- Well they must be very good at cards then! According to a survey reported by the DT despite all the time they spend at IT, the French are very unhappy with their encounters - coming second last in the satisfactory sex stakes. However Jacques Waynberg, director of the French Institute of Sexology, who said the expectations in France were simply higher than elsewhere.

"France and Japan have a long erotic tradition and are thus more demanding," he said. "As they raise the bar very high, it's only normal that they are more dissatisfied."

Hmm. And Golfbag's a Dutchman.

June 21st -- For an up to date take on this old favourite:

"They sailed away for a year and a day,
To the land where the Bong-tree grows,
And there in the wood a Piggy-wig stood,
With a ring in the end of his nose"

Read no further than this - note that the ring is not for the end of the nose, and not primarily for Piggy-wigs - more fun though!

June 12th, 2007 - So God doesn't like pigeons? Well not in Norwich, at least according to Emily Hill. (If and when it happens - I'll be sitting next to her!)

May 26th, 2007 - Today was GolfBag's great return to the world of competitive golf, in fact his first full round since, as recorded below, March 18th, 2004, and the last competitive round was in fact the 2003 Autumn Vase. Hitching a ride as navigator to Malcolm on his specially tuned racing buggy, the pair of us were unable to focus on our own games as Monica holed out from every angle to run away with the pot for the Spring Cup Ladies' Best Net. All in all though, GolfBag was more than happy with a net 34 stableford......

September 3rd, 2006 -- Those who are in the habit of enlisting supernatural help in order to achieve their holes-in-one (or even their humble pars) could shortly be in for a shock if they are making use of Rumanian WSPs (Witching Service Providers). According to the Sunday Telegraph's Bucharest correspondent, the Rumanian Government believes that the casting of spells is a profession and that should be subject to the normal perks of professionalism, e.g. the privilege of paying income taxes - not to mention the dreaded VAT so beloved of the EC, which would inevitably lead to an increases in charges. (It turns out that only one of the 4,000 or so estimated practitioners actually pays taxes at the moment.) Examples of the cost of a spell are £9 for a Tarot reading and £58 for a love potion. On the basis that rectifying the lack of a hole-in-one could be equated to the curing of impotence, the cost would be a princely £90 - alternatively, for the same price you could get your leprosy cured!
Well you pays your money....

All the details may be found on the Telegraph's site.

5th August, 2006 -- "It gives me great pleasure...." is one of the classic openings for public speakers; however can the same be said when exponents of the art of onanism do "it" in public in a display of mass mas.... scheduled to take place today? What will people get up to when they're not playing golf? And golf only takes 4 - 5 hours while some of these folk will be at it for 8 1/2! Take a quick trawl through this article from the Guradian "More tossers on TV, or this one from the Register -"US degeneracy crosses the pond". On the other hand public discussion of the act, rather than the act itself, has a long history, if one is to believe Mark Twain (yes, that one) in this speech given in Paris in 1879.

Good grief!

4th August, 2006 -- One for the Ladies
Only "Nice Girls" will be allowed off the Ladies' Tees......

After the operation, GB scores 13...no Red tees for her!

15th May, 2006 -- Will 2 glasses give me stereo?
According to Jochen Schacht of the University of Michigan Medical School in Ann Arbor and his colleagues, moderate consumption of red wine or aspirin may fight deafness and hearing loss caused by loud noise or intake of certain antibiotics, say scientists. The delicate hairs of the inner ear, which are vital for hearing, can be damaged by the oxygen free radicals produced by normal cellular processes throughout life or in response to loud noise and exposure to antibiotics, reported the online edition of New Scientist.

"Make mine a double, just in case," says GolfBag, your aurally challenged host...

13th May, 2006 -- At last a worthy partner for Celia?

3rd May -- At two minutes and three seconds past 1am tonight - or early tomorrow morning, the time will be 01:02:03, on 04-05-06. This will not happen again for another century, although those not counting the seconds will be rewarded only 20 minutes later, at 1.23am on 4-5-06.

March 18, 2006 -- Today's the 2nd anniversary of GolfBag's last game of golf. It was at Rebetz, the location of the Winter season's Senior's inter-club closing friendly; a Greensome or Patsome with Christian Etancelin as partner. I remember we didn't do too well, including 2 balls in the water at the short 9th (tricky wind?), but were worthy companions and watchers of the eventual winners - a pair from L'Isle Adam if I recall.

March 17, 2006 -- A worthy find. Genuinely silly.

January 20, 2006 -- After a long absence, the Silly Corner returns with some not so silly advice....
I don't suppose you are among those who save their very best reds for the cheese course, of course not! If you do, stop it; science has proven that the most punters can't tell a Petrus from a Plonk after a bit of nibble of blue.

This reminds young GolfBag of the fact that there is real science explaining why one can't really tell Stork from butter; no matter what your first sandwich is made of - marg or butter, and it's actually quite easy to tell which is which, 4 times out of 5 you can't tell what a SECOND sarnie is made of - AND YOU MUST HAVE THE SECOND. Because the fats in the marg or butter in the first clog the taste buds, the second tastes the same as the first, no matter what! So, a note to the mean, serve a round of small butter butties first to whet the appetite followed by large seconds made with marg!

November 17 -- Have you ever envied those of great erudition, who can at the blink of an SMS, produce an uplifting bit from the classics, a little précis of Paradise Lost, say: "Devl kikd outa hevn coz jelus of jesus&strts war.pd'off wiv god so corupts man(md by god) wiv apel.devl stays serpnt 4hole life&man ruind. Woe un2mnkind." Altogether more illuminating than the version approved by Prof John Sutherland: "The devil is kicked out of heaven because he is jealous of Jesus and starts a war. He is angry with God and so corrupts man (who is made by God) with an apple. The devil remains as a serpent for the whole of his life and man is ruined. Woe unto mankind."

More classics available from the Telegraph here (in a new window).

October 27 -- The definitive Rules of Life as refined by Murphy and others (e.g. Frisch's Law: You cannot have a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.)

October 21 -- All the magic of Hallowe'en lanterns without getting your hands dirty!

October 10th -- Help the nice lady when she gets stuck. Give here a click and a nudge with your mouse. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink!

September 29th -- Today's Instructional Video Lesson is "Swing Easy and Get Birdies". Play it here.

September 26th -- Regretfully, today is not International Gall Day, in memory of the late Dr Samuel Gall, inventor of the Gall Bladder (according to Tom Lehrer, at least). However let me help you get over your disappointment by celebrating the exploits of those other esteemed practitioners of the internal organ - the proctologist - getting to parts no others can reach!

Go here for the music and words of their song!

September 16th --  Are you plagued by Stuck Tune Syndrome? Do you have a tune stuck in your head you just can't get out?
Take heart, the end is nigh! Visit http://prettypictures.com/maim/
for an instant cure!

September 8th --  Go on, pamper yourself
Armando Iannucci, writing in the Telegraph has some suggestions for getting free sessions at health spas - or at least a "bunch of fives".

August 23rd -- Shock! Horror! Chickens cheat!
Yes, indeed, no-one knows for what foul reasons chickens cross roads; but now we know that THEY CHEAT! Yes, scientists have now discovered that they carry compasses!

August 23rd -- It's a fact! Accountants are BORING!
Here's the proof direct from exotic Hong Kong.
However, a spokesman for the Institute of Chartered Accountants in England and Wales provided an instant rebuttal, "The area of tax accountancy is anything but dull."

 Click here for some tips on recognising the accountant in its natural habitat.

August 15th -- Ever wondered what the quality of the sand used to make bunkers on the Moon? Want a map of the course? Wonder what the moon's really made of? (Hint, it's not green cheese!) Zoom all the way in on Google's Moon Map to find out the answer to these and many other questions you'd rather were not answered!

August 1st -- Repent! The end of the world is nigh!

July 18th -- Ever wanted to know what the Earth looks like from Google's point of view?  Well, here's how to find out.

June 15th -- A little while ago some of you might have needed help as Robin Williams did his Scots thing. Well help is at hand.

For instance: if you're having trouble communicating with your fellow countrymen, perhaps, for instance, this site could help you talk to a Scot? Comes out as:
If yoo're havin' trooble communicatin' wi' yer fellaw coontrymen, aiblins, fur instance, thes site coods help ye gab tae a scot?

or in Ali G speak:

If yous iz havin aggro communicatin wiv ya fellow countrymun, perhaps, fe instance, dis site could help yous natta to da scot? Is it coz I is black?

June 2nd -- What's the difference between D. de Villepin and C. de Gaulle? (Or what's in a name?)
It turns out to be a matter of syllables!

May 31st -- What's -this "Golf" thing anyway?
Well here's the true story told by R. Williams, Esq., who wouldn't come up with anything relentlessly silly, would he. (Non Scottish speakers might need a translator...)

May 27th -- When they're not playing golf, what do active oldies get up to?
Something like the goings on in this relentlessly silly movie link perhaps?

May 1st -- Ah, memories are made of this....
I remember this relentlessly silly link (or a similar one) from a good 7 or 8 years ago. A great help composing that letter of complaint..

April 29th -- Today it's not a silly link, but a serious warning.
There's a well executed, but highly fraudulent French inspired "Phishing" expedition doing the rounds trying to get you to disclose you're Visa banking details. Don't fall for it, but visit this real Visa link instead.

April 28th -- Yet another scientific one! This time it's a birthday.
And what a birthday. The Great Freeze would be 30 years old today, if it hadn't suddenly turned into the big bake! Oh well! Memories are made of this (by today's standards) relentlessly silly link . But which is the silliest that big freeze or today's man-made furnace of doom! The limits of growth tribe have simply changed their clothes. Long live the unscientific method!

April 25th -- The result of the PC vs Mac war, and could monkey's really type the works of Shakespeare given time?
The answer's here, in today's relentlessly silly link. Long live hthe scientific method!

April 19th -- Perish the thought, but what if PowerPoint had been invented 150 years ago, in 1863, to be precise.....
Great moments in history recreated for you, live, thanks to PowerPoint and this unrelentingly silly link of the day !

April 16th -- Shades of Monty Python and the Ministry of Silly Walks
This silly link of the day is well, silly! See, what did you expect? Just fiddle around with the sliders to see the male/female stereotyping in action.

April 14th - The silly link of the day is dedicated to keen golfers everywhere.
Just watch out for bear. So why was Villarceaux closed on March 5th?

April 13th - Google supplied today's not so silly link™.
n experimental service designed to help you find the nearest cab or shuttle in the following cites:  Baltimore, MD, Chicago, IL, Cleveland, OH, Dallas, TX, Houston, TX, Milwaukee, WI, New York, NY, Phoenix, AZ, San Jose, CA, St. Louis, MO, Washington, DC.

April 11th - Who's unerotic? Not me guv!
Today's silly link™ brought to you courtesy of the Telegraph.

April 6th - No worries! If you ever get caught short in the Outback (or the GABA to intimates) this link of the day will come in handy!
Hint, just take a GPS or a map with you!

April 6th - Problems with backup?
Today, watch the maestro Clease sort you out with this helpful silly link of the day! Tip - skip to the end after 4 mins, where you MUST NOT click on the 3rd button!.

April 6th - Brought to you by the makers of Garfield
Here's today's unrelentingly silly link.

April 1st - What do you mean it may not be a good investment?
Find the secret subtext - "Why spend £80 when you coud spend £300?". Golf equipment manufacturers compete in the luxury goods market where Price is everything. The higher the better. Read these two tales (this and that) live on the esteemed pages of the electric Telegraph.

March 20th - Trouble with firmness of the Club? An  Ode to the Oyster!
Conversations the other night dealt fleetingly with the relative merits and efficacy of the V substance and the newer C substance, delivered in brown paper bags to discerning adults desirous of improving their midnight putting strokes. Ah, but now comes relief from the tyranny of the pill! It comes in the form of the humble oyster, which in the spring veritably oozes libidinous substances; and according to the scientists involved, really does prove that Casanova's midnight putting ability may well have come from judicious ingestion of 4 dozen or so of nature's finest before a round or three. Details in the Sunday Telegraph.

March 17th - Hangover Olympics - what gives the worst hangovers? Or, what's the safest putting mixture?
Studies have found that the severity of different drinks' hangover symptoms decline in this order: brandy, red wine, rum, whisky, white wine, gin, vodka and pure ethanol.
Eric Albie, Hull, East Yorkshire, UK
From issue 2491 of New Scientist magazine, 19 March 2005, page 89

March 7 - Are you really serious about golf?
Test yourself. No cheating!

March 5 - See why you couldn't play today? Pretty though!
Photo 1, Photo  2, Photo 3, at the Villarceaux web site.

February 25 - Hurry! The last bottle of '37 Glenfiddich Single Malt is going on sale...
just so happens it's in Hong Kong, in the duty free any time now. Plan on upwards of I5,000 euros, according the this story.

February 20 - Seen in the Sunday Telegraph

Alert as airship set loose

Air Traffic Control were alerted by police after a helium-filled 'airship' promoting a new golf store was set loose by vandals.

The large balloon, measuring around 25ft in diameter, was attached to the top of American Golf in Carlisle, Cumbria, to mark the opening of the shop on St Nicholas Street.

But vandals cut the airship's ropes and the advertising feature began floating south towards Manchester.

American Golf spokesman Robert Kerr said: "No-one saw it happen, but from what we can tell someone has cut the cord and caused the balloon to float off into the atmosphere.

"There are quite strong southerly winds and it has floated off at a rate of knots, heading towards Manchester Airport."

Cumbria Police said: "We're confident that someone will spot a 20ft object floating in the sky."

National Air Traffic Services said that they were aware of the incident and that the airship was not posing a danger to anyone.

A spokeswoman said: "The balloon is away from major air routes. There is no disruption and there is no threat to safety."

Mr Kerr said American Golf would reward anyone who could return the airship in one piece.

He said: "If anyone returns the balloon they will be rewarded with a set of golf clubs. But it has to be in one piece, it can't be full of shotgun pellets."

February 18 - Live from Radio Free Wales. Yes, the Venerable David Edwards lives and send in this little contribution to golfing folklore:

Top Ten Caddie Putdowns

#10 Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddie: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

#9 Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddie: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

#8 Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddie: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

#7 Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddie: "Eventually."

#6 Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddie in the world."
Caddie: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

#5 Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddie: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

#4 Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddie: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

#3 Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddie: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

#2 Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddie: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

and the #1 caddie comment:

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddie: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

December 3 - Hot off the press, GolfBag got hold of an analysis performed by the FFG on (2197) cards entered in Stroke Play competitions (irrespective of tee) over the last 4 years or so. The big winners and losers are the 3rd which leaps up the difficulty tables to come in at number 2, just after current leader number 8. The big loser being the 10, which drops from most difficult on the back 9 to being easiest. Many will also be relieved to see the first finally having its difficulty recognised - or is it just that the better players too suffer from 1st tee shakes? All the gory details here.
As an aside, a very much younger GolfBag went through this exercise on Villarceaux's behalf some 20 years ago - just prior to the addition of the current 16th and 17th if memory serves.

December 1 - Regular Golfbag correspondent Chris Fewkes has suggested that golfers should use the long winter months is a good time to get in that little bit of extra fitness training that will add yards to their drives and take vital millimetres from their wasitslines. Accordingly, a new "Healthy Hints" page has been added to the site. Send in your favourite Healthy Hints and WIN PRIZES!

November 26 - According to that august bastion of Really Useful Research, the  Cranfield University in Bedfordshire, the "high" table of French cheeses, ranked in order of rankness* and reported by the Daily Telegraph, is as follows:

  1. Vieux Boulogne: cows' milk cheese from Pas de Calais.

  2. Pont l'Evêque: cows' milk cheese from Normandy.

  3. Camembert de Normandie: cows' milk cheese.

  4. Munster: cows' milk cheese from Alsace-Lorraine.

  5. Brie de Meaux: cows' milk cheese from Ile de France.

  6. Rocquefort: sheep's milk cheese from near Toulouse.

  7. Reblochon: cows' milk cheese from Savoie region.

  8. Livarot: cows' milk cheese from Normandy.

  9. Banon: goats' milk cheese from Provence.

  10. Epoisses de Bourgogne: cows' milk cheese from Burgundy.

* - as far as one can tell, this applies only to the exterior

November 25 - Many section members were caught on camera hogging the limelight at the special Golfers' Trough at the SAC's Thanksgiving Pub-Night Dinner. 

November 22 - No it won't turn everything into grey goo. Nanotechnology is here to save golfers from straying from the straight and narrow according to this article in the hi-tech mag ZDNet. Actually why not go straight to the horse's mouth? Another hi-tech line in snake oil or the Second Coming? 

November 22 - Delicious plague! While a plague of locusts engulfs Cairo, on the other side of the world, a similar invasion again provokes a feeding frenzy - only this time it's the Ozzies eating the locusts. Biters bit, what!
Read all about it in this article from the Telegraph.

November 4 - Radio Free Wales lives! Spotted at the Network-Interop Expo at the Porte de Versailles this week in the Welsh Development Agency booth in the company of John Rees, WDA director, was our old friend, David (RFW) Edwards. It seems he hasn't yet departed for points East as threatened. RFW in fine, energetic form, still in clearly charge of Religious output. Every couple of minutes he would leap up to evangelise the merits of Wales to any passer-by too slow to escape!

November 4 - maybe it's a fools' month. What about this headline in the Telegraph "Lions 1 Christians 0"? A funny/unpleasant story of human folly.

November 1 - there isn't a November Fools' Day is there? It seems like it, with the spate of nonsense around. Here's another one from the Telegraph about the rebirth of Spam. Not to be confused with our very own of course...
Why not visit the SPAM home page or join the Spam Fan Club?

November 1 - Yet another unlikely tale from the Telegraph's (World's longest drive?) reported that somebody wants to build the longest course on Oz. It seems cheating to me if one's allowed to drive between holes. Much more appropriate is the guy (can't remember the reference off-hand) who wanted to do play across Siberia (or Mongolia, or China) - in the Summer, quand même, in 18 holes, the longest of which was a moderate Par 1500! And if memory serves, he only had a 5-iron.

October 31 - Watch it! You could be binge drinkers

According this rather unlikely report in the Telegraph today, elderly people's (over 60!)  daily tipple could develop into "binge drinking". Nannyism gone mad again?

August 1 - Latest research offers hope that "a bottle a day keeps the yips away"

Well at least it may lead to better course management. According to GolfBag's Sunday Telegraph the boffins at UCL have come to the conclusion that drinking up to 4 - 5 bottles of Chateau Plonkeau a week is highly beneficial to the brain cells. The benefits were most marked among women drinkers and, to the researchers' surprise, showed no sign of flattening out with increasing consumption (except that the increased likelihood of these researchees falling down flat drunk meant that researchers were unable fully to investigate the upper limit.)

So, by all means feed your lady partner or caddie a slug or two and listen to her advice on how to plan the play, but be careful to check that she can stay vertical long enough to take those all too critical putts.

July 8 - Tour de France Stage 5 Amiens to Chartres via the 12th at Villarceaux*

GolfBag and his loyal caddie Erin Doors were wandering around the Vexin on the day that the Royal Tour of France by his Majesty King Lance and about of 180 others passed close by Vill. Unfortunately GB and ED were trapped on the wrong side of the road while all of the pre-, during- and post-passage goings-on went on, and on. Then, around 4, desperately in need of a little something, they meandered over to Vill for a small slurp only to find the upstairs closed to all comers. The only sign of life being young Guillaume, who was fully occupied explaining to a couple of other seekers after refreshment that since it was dampish and not really July weather, and consequently there being no punters, the restaurant staff had buggered off hours ago.

Moral, if it's damp and cold and Thursday in the Vexin, pack a hamper!

* Well, within a 6000 yard hook from the tee, or thereabouts

For more mutterings from the beyond the bar, please visit the Buried Burblings page which reverentially houses the 19th Hole Archive Collection.


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