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Golf N Swing
Best of both
A man was golfing one day and was struck by lightning. He died and went to heaven. Saint Peter told him when he arrived at the gates of heaven that the bolt of lightning was actually meant for his golf partner. But, because God doesn't want it known that he makes mistakes, the man would have to go back to earth as someone other that himself. Well, the man thought about it for awhile and announced to Saint Peter that he wanted to return to earth as a lesbian. Saint Peter asked the man why a macho guy like him would choose to return as a lesbian. The man answered, "It's simple really, this way I can still make love to a woman, AND I can hit from the red tees!"
What would Tiger do?
On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy."
The couple then makes passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband drops the phone and makes love to his wife a second time. When they finish, he goes back to the phone.
"What are you doing now?" she asks.
The husband puts the phone down and heads back to bed. Exhausted after the third lovemaking session, he shuffles back to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"
Mike and Bob had just finished the the first nine and it was obvious that Mike was having a bad day. "Gee, Mike, you're just not your old self today, what's the matter?" asked Bob. Mike, looking pretty glum, said, "I think Mabel's dead." "That's terrible," said Bob, "you think your wife is dead. Aren't you sure?" "Well," responded Mike, "the sex is the same, but the dishes are piling up."
The hardest part
A couple are playing in their club's annual mixed doubles championship. They are playing a play-off hole and the wife has to make a 6 inch putt to win. She takes her stance and her husband can see her trembling. She putts and misses and they lose the match. On the way home in the car her husband fumes, "I can't believe you missed that putt!" "That putt was no longer than my 'willy'." The wife just looked over at her husband and smiled and said, "Yes dear, but it was much harder!"
A golfer in a foursome was playing an extremely tough hole one summer day. He was making a very tricky putt as a funeral procession was going by. He holed out the shot anyway. Afterwards his partner said "You must have nerves of steel to sink such a tricky putt while that funeral was going by." "Yes, we would have been married 25 years today if she was still alive."
WIth age comes wisdom
One morning, an elderly man was out playing golf. He hit his ball into the woods and while searching for the ball he came across a frog.
The frog looked up at him and said: "If you kiss me I'll turn into a beautiful princess".
Not taking any notice, the old man bent down, picked up the frog, put it into his pocket, and continued looking for his ball.
A few minutes later the voice from his pocket shouted "Hey, didn't you hear me, I said, if you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".
The old man looked down and said, "Frankly, at my age, I'd rather have a talking frog".
Perfect Tee Shot
A guy stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity: looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the damn ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man," says his partner. "You'll never hit her from here."
"You think so much of your old golf game that you don't even remember when we were married." "Of course I do, my dear--it was the day I sank that thirty-foot putt."
What a stinker
A fellow goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, every time I swing my 7 iron I break wind extravagantly." He swings the iron in the doctor's office and farts loudly. He swings the 8 iron and nothing, he swings the 6 and nothing. He swings the 7 again the same loud sound is heard, followed by a very foul smell. The doctor says, "H'mm, interesting case, I'll have to look into it," and gets up and grabs a long, thin pole laying against the wall. "What are you going to do with that," the fellow asks nervously, fearing the worst. "I'm going to open the window and let some air into this room," the Doc replies.
Pace of play
"Caddie, why do you keep looking at your watch?" asked the golfer curiously. "It's not a watch, sir. It's a compass."
4 guys are discussing how they get their wives to let them play golf every Sunday morning. The first says, "Every Saturday night I take my wife out to an expensive dinner". The second says, "Every Saturday I clean the house for my wife". The third says, "Every Saturday I let my wife go shopping and she can buy whatever she wants". The fourth guy just looks at the other three and just shakes his head. "You guys go about it all wrong. On Sunday morning I get up at 5:00am, shake my wife and say 'golf course or intercourse?' To which she invariably replies 'Take a sweater!' and goes back to sleep!"
After an enjoyable eighteen holes of golf, a man stopped in a bar for a beer before heading home. There he struck up a conversation with a ravishing young beauty. They had a couple of drinks, liked each other and she invited him over to her apartment. They they made mad, passionate love with no thought of time. Four hours later on the way home, the the man's conscience started bothering him mightily. He loved his wife and didn't want this unplanned indiscretion to ruin their relationship, so he decided the only thing to do was come clean. "Honey," he said when he got home, "I have a confession to make. After I played golf today, I stopped by the bar for a beer, met a beautiful woman, went back to her apartment and made love to her for two hours. I'm sorry, it won't ever happen again, and I hope you'll forgive me." His wife scowled at him and said, "Don't lie to me, you sorry good-for-nothing! You played thirty-six holes, didn't you?"
Drives her mad
Tom was sitting alone in clubhouse bar nursing a few drinks and some deep thoughts about his extra marital affairs. He's had a few and absentmindedly starts thinking aloud. "Not worth it," he muttered. "Never as good as you hoped. Expensive. And above all drives the wife berserk." A friend who was sitting close by at the time and overheard Tom's words leaned across and said "Come on, Tom, you knew what to expect when you took up golf."
An avid golfer goes to see a fortune teller to enquire if there are any golf courses in heaven. "I have good news and bad news," she tells the golfer. "What's the good news?" asks the golfer "The good news is that the courses in heaven are spectacular, without doubt better than anything you have ever seen on earth." "What's the bad news, then?" he asks. "You've got a tee time at 8 tomorrow morning."
During the weekly pre-natal classes class, the instructor emphasizes the importance of exercise, hinting strongly that husbands need to get out and start walking with their wives. From the back of the room one expectant father inquired, "Would it be okay if she carries a golf bag while she walks?"
It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Mike was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker - "Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee please back up to the men's tee, please!" Mike was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement - "Would the man on the women's tee kindly back up the men's tee!" Mike had had enough. He shouted, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot!"
A man and wife were playing in their club's annual "Guys and Dolls" tournament. At the 12th, while his wife went forward to the ladies tee to wait, he went back to hit his drive off the men's. Unfortunately, he wildly misjudged his shot and his ball flew like a rocket and hit his wife in the back of the head, killing her instantly. later in the hospital the doctor came to talk to the husband. "Mr. Davies, we found a golf ball lodged 3 inches into your wife's brain, which was the the cause of death. But, we have found something else that really puzzles us." "What is it?" asked Mr. Davies. "Well," said the doctor, "we also found a golf ball lodged 6 inches up her colon." The husband dismissed the doctor with a wave of his hand "Oh, that was just my Mulligan!"
Par 3 play
Standing on the tee of a relatively long par three, the confident golfer said to his caddie, "Looks like a four-wood and a putt to me." The caddie handed him the four-wood, which he topped about fifteen yards off the front of the tee. Immediately the caddie handed him his putter and said, "And now for one hell of a putt!"
Heard the one about the bad tempered golfer who bought a new set of Great Big Bertha Woods? After playing with them for a couple of rounds he returned to his pro shop and told the pro that these were the best clubs he had ever played with. In fact "I can throw these clubs 40 yards further than my old ones," he told the pro.
Get a grip
One day a blonde was walking down the street. The club pro saw her out and called out "Do you want to play golf?" and she said "No, I don't know how to - I don't even know how to hold the caddie!"
Fred had tried to be particularly careful about his language as he played golf with his preacher. But on the twelfth hole, when he twice failed to hit out of a sand trap, he lost his resolve and let fly with a string of expletives. The preacher felt obliged to respond. "I have observed," said he in a calm voice, "that the best golfers don't use foul language." "I guess not," said Fred. "What the hell do they have to cuss about?"
My wife says she's leaving me if I don't give up golf." "What are you going to do?" "I’ll miss her."
The laws of golf
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law 3).
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.
My first golf lesson
The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.
Is he a good dentist?
A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning.
His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before. "Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?"
"Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot," he said. "The ball most have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the stomach. That," he added, "was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."
A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning. Finally the pro asks her what she wants.
"I can't find any green golf balls," the blonde golfer complains. The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls.
As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her, "Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?"
"Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the bunkers!"
The problem with golf
The only problem with golf is that the slow people are always in front of you and the fast people always end up behind you.
When a struck ball unintentionally veers to the left it is known as a hook.
When a struck ball unintentionally veers to the right it is known as a slice.
When a struck ball does not veer but instead flies straight forward it is known as either a lie or a miracle.
A foursome is waiting at the men's tee when another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee. The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it, hacks it another ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically.
"I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn't help." One of the men immediately replies, "No, you see that's your problem. You should have been taking golf lessons instead."
Not enough allowance
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a round of golf and their wives
went along as caddies. Whilst walking around the course the Englishman's wife
caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground
with her skirt over her head, revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers!
The Englishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state of
undress. "Well darling, " she explained "you give me so little
allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice, usually no one notices."
With that the Englishman thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's
a tenner, go to Mark's and Spencer's and get some knickers.
They think of everything
A man got a phone call from his wife at work one day and she asked him to
stop at the store and pick up some groceries. Reminding her that this was his
golf league night he said he would be happy to go to the store after playing his
round of golf.
Considering my impediment...
A blonde is standing by the first tee waiting for her golf lesson from the resident pro. A foursome is in process of teeing off. The first golfer addresses the ball and swings, hitting it 230 yards straight down the middle of the fairway.
"That was a good shot," said the blonde. "Not bad considering my impediment," said the golfer. "What do you mean?" said the blonde. "I have a glass eye," said the golfer. "I don't believe you, show me," said the blonde. He unscrewed his eye, and popped it into her hand to show her.
The next golfer addresses the ball and swings, hitting it 240 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. "That was a good shot," said the blonde. "Not bad considering my impediment," said the golfer. "What's wrong with you?" said the blonde. "I have a prosthetic arm," said the golfer. "I don't believe you, show me" said the blonde, so he screwed his arm off and showed her.
The next golfer addresses the ball and swings, hitting it 250 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. "That was a good shot," said the blonde. "Not bad considering my impediment," said the golfer. "What's wrong with you?" said the blonde. "I have a prosthetic leg," said the golfer. "I don't believe you, show me" said the blonde, so he screwed his leg off and showed her.
The fourth golfer addresses the ball and swings, hitting it 280 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. "That was a wonderful shot," said the blonde. "Not bad considering my impediment," said the golfer. "What's wrong with you?" said the blonde. "I have an artificial buttock," said the golfer. "I don't believe you, show me" said the blonde.
"I can't show you out here in the open," said the golfer. "Come around here behind the Pro-Shop." As they had not returned within five minutes, his golfing mates decided to go and see what was holding them up.
As they turned the corner behind the Pro-Shop, sure enough, there he was, screwing her arse off!
Only once a week
Maurice was not having a good day on the golf course. After he missed a twelve inch putt, his partner asked him what the problem was.
"It's the wife" said Maurice. "As you know, she's taken up golf, and since she's been playing, she's cut my sex down to once a week."
"Well you should think yourself lucky," said his partner. "She's cut some of us out altogether!"
Not the done thing
A fellow has a week off and decides to play a round of golf every day. First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round and soon catches up to the person in front. He sees that this is a woman and, as he catches up to her on a par 3, that, in fact, she's very attractive. He's interested and suggests that they play the rest of the round together. She agrees and a very close match ensues. She turns out also to be a very talented golfer and she wins their little competition on the last hole. He congratulates her in the parking lot then offers to give her a lift when he sees she doesn't have a car. All in all it's been a highly enjoyable morning. On the way to her place, she thanks him for the morning's company and competition and says she hasn't enjoyed herself so much on the course for a long time. "In fact," she says, "I'd like you to pull over so I can show you how much I appreciated everything." He pulls over, they kiss and she gives him the best oral sex he's ever had. The next morning he spies her at the first tee and suggests they play together again. He's actually quite competitive and slightly peeved that she beat him the previous day. Again they have a magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and playing a tight, competitive round of golf. Again she pips him at the last, again he drives her home and again she shows her appreciation. This goes on all week, with her beating him narrowly every day. This is a sore point for his male ego but, nevertheless, in the car home from their Friday afternoon round, he tells her that he has had such a fine week that he has a surprise planned: dinner for two at a fancy candle-lit restaurant followed by a night of passion in the penthouse apartment of a plush hotel. Surprisingly, she bursts into tears and says she can't agree to this. He can't work out what the fuss is about but eventually she admits the reason. "You see," she tearfully sobs, "I'm a transvestite." He is aghast. He swerves violently off the road, pulls the car to a screeching halt and curses madly, overcome with emotion. "I'm sorry," she repeats. "You bastard," he screams, red in the face, "You cheating bastard. You've been playing off the red tees all week!"
The worst caddie
Bill was 26 over par by the eighth hole; he had landed a fleet of golf balls in the water hazard, and dug himself into a trench fighting his way out of the rough. When his caddie coughed during a 12-inch putt, Bill exploded.
"You've got to be the worst caddie in the world!" he screamed.
"I doubt it," replied the caddie. "That would be too much of a coincidence."
A pretty terrible golfer was playing a round of golf for which he had hired a caddie. The round proved to be somewhat tortuous for the caddie to watch and he was getting a bit exasperated by the poor play of his employer.
At one point the ball lay about 180 yards from the green and the as the golfer sized up his situation, he asked his caddie, "Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?" And the caddie replied, "Eventually."
The worst course
Player: "This is the worst golf course I've ever played on!"
I prefer golf
"Well Caddie, How do you like my game?"
You've played before?
"Well, I have never played this badly before!"
Is my game improving?
"Caddie, Do you think my game is improving?"
Is it a sin?
"Caddie, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?"
The Scotsman's caddie
One day, a Scotsman went playing golf. After standing a while on the green he
asked the boy standing beside him: "Are you my caddie for today?"
Don't you recognise him?
After coming from a long round of golf, his wife kissed him and kissed their
son who came in a few moments later.
Golfer: "Notice any improvement today, Jimmy?"
It's a funny game
After a series of disastrous holes, the strictly amateur golfer in an effort
to smother his rage laughed hollowly and said to his caddie:
Do you understand oath's?
Judge: "Do you understand the nature of an oath?" Boy: "Do I? I'm your caddie, remember!"
Take your 5 wood
Then there's the one about the golfer and his caddie who enjoyed a good
argument, especially about what clubs to use. The caddie usually won but this
day, faced with a long short hole, the golfer decided that a 3-iron would be
That's not my ball
"That can't be my ball, caddie. It looks far too old," said the
player looking at a ball deep in the trees.
What's the line, caddie?
On the seventeenth of the Wentworth Club Course a very careful player was
studying the green. First he got down on his hands and knees to check out the
turf between his ball and the hole. Then he flicked several pieces of grass out
of the way and getting up he held up a wet finger to try out the direction of
the wind. Then turning to his caddie he asked:
Friendly golfer (to player searching for lost ball): "What sort of a
ball was it?"
You did it!
Caddieing for the elderly beginner had required great patience. He was doddery but he was dogged and he had sworn to break 100 before the summer was out. In fact there was a bottle of malt riding on it - his faithful caddie would receive it when the magic score had been broken.
Then arrived a day when dogged persistence seemed about to pay off for both player and caddie. They were on the green at the eighteenth and only 97 strokes had been accounted for.
Player and caddie were excited and in the grip of such emotion it was small wonder that the player sent his first putt racing three metres past the hole.
In a flash the caddie had dropped the flagstick, picked up the ball and was crying excitedly. "Well done, sir! You've done it! You've done it! Anyone would give you that."
Mulholland believed himself a superior caddie. He certainly had a superior
attitude towards the man whose clubs he carried. Why only last month he had
caddied for Lee Trevino, and now each time his client asked for a 5-wood, the
boy would sneer
He's not my caddie
Rich Texans are fabled for their grand style, but when one oil tycoon appeared at a local British golf course followed by a servant pulling a foam-cushioned chaise-longue, his opponents thought that this was taking style too far.
"J. R., are you going to make that poor caddie lug that couch all over the course after you?" he was asked.
"Caddie, my eye," explained J. R. "That's my psychiatrist."
How old is that caddie
"Caddiemaster, that boy isn't even eight years old."
I know the next shot
He'd sliced his drive and watched resignedly as the ball plummeted into the
woods. He followed after and found his ball - surrounded by thick undergrowth
and wedged firmly between two tree roots. He contemplated the situation for a
few profoundly silent minutes then turned to his caddie and asked: "You
know what shot I'm going to take here."
I don't usually play this way
"I want you to know that this is not the game I usually play,"
snapped an irate golfer to his caddie. "I should hope not, sir. But tell
me,sir," enquired the caddie, "What game do you usually play?"
Copyright © 2012 SAC Golf Section. Certain images reproduced with permission of AS